Wife's Place in Conference and Church

Advice for Minister's wives.

By BERTHA WALTON FEARING, Minister's Wife, Glendale, California

A minister and his family were leaving the city of his first charge, and the minis­ter was engaged in bidding an old lady parishioner good-by. "Well," she said sorrow­fully, "you'll soon be packing your things, I guess."

"Oh, yes," he replied; "in fact, we are almost finished."

"There's one thing you won't be able to pack —you'll have to leave that behind," said the old lady.

"Whatever is that ?"

"You can't pack your good influence, pastor," she answered quietly.

Yes, the minister, his wife, and his family have a great influence in their relationships with their fellow workers, their church mem­bers, and the neighbors in the community in which they live. How careful they should be that their conduct and influence are always right.

I believe the wife's foremost responsibility, and that which has perhaps the greatest benefit to the conference and church program, is in making a happy home for her husband. In his public work he must share other people's cares and problems. What a blessing for him to have a home where happiness and Christian fellow­ship are mutually shared, a home where prob­lems are worked out in a quiet, normal manner.

The minister's wife must be unselfish, not complaining because her husband's hours are irregular and oftentimes long. She should be understanding, keeping in mind the important work in which he is engaged, and doing every­thing possible to encourage him. They two should be able to plan together for the best in­terests of the church and the family.

There are cases where a minister's usefulness has been marred and even ruined because of his companion. Such things are tragedies. The min­ister's wife should profit from her knowledge of such experiences. Never should she nag, or say unkind things about her husband, or be impatient if he is at times unable to do something for her because it interferes with his work. She should be affectionate, neat and tidy about the house and her person, a good cook, and able to administer the household finances capably. She should remember that her husband usually knows other women at their best ; he should not know her at her worst.

It is said that more than one minister has been rejected for larger responsibilities because of his wife. That being true, each wife should examine herself to make certain she is an asset and not a liability.

The book Pastoral Work, by Andrew W. Blackwood, is doubtless to be found in many libraries of those who read these pages, for it was in the Ministerial Reading Course not long ago. From the chapter "The Place of the Pas­tor's Wife" I quote the following :

"At recent conferences of ministers the writer has held a good many interviews with bewildered pastors. Most of them have wished counsel regarding their wives. Doubtless there was another side to each story. Even so, the happiest and the most useful ministers in each assembly were those whose wives made home seem like heaven."

Surely a Seventh-day Adventist minister's wife should desire to make the home a happy, loving, peaceful place, where the angels love to dwell, that God's blessing may truly rest upon it. Mrs. E. G. White has this to say regarding the relation of ministers' wives to their hus­bands:

"They can cheer them when desponding, comfort them when cast down, and encourage them to look up and trust fully in God when their faith fails. Or they can take an opposite course, look upon the dark side, think they have a hard time, exercise no faith in God, talk their trials and unbelief to their companions, in­dulge a complaining, murmuring spirit, and be a dead weight, and even a curse to them."—Evangelism, p. 677.

Upon inquiring from a few ministers what they considered the wife's responsibility is in connection with her husband's work, one re­plied, "Tell her not to baby her husband." Well, I don't believe very many ministers are "babied," but I believe I know what he meant —she should not encourage him in the thought that too much is expected of him, that the con­ference does not appreciate his talents and capa­bilities, or that he is being taken advantage of because of youthfulness or lack of experience.

This leads to the wife's relationship to the conference. Her attitude should never be criti­cal of conference decisions or actions. It is well for her always to uphold the conference officers to the church members and fellow associates. Some might come to her with criticism, ques­tions, and insinuations; but she should not en­courage them in their statements, but correct their attitude if at all possible.

The minister's wife should be well read. She must keep her mind active. In her reading of church literature and other magazines and newspapers, she should be alert for information useful to her husband, and may even help by keeping a file of such materials.

What should be the relationship between the pastor's wife and the members of the church? First of all, she must love them, not honoring one above another. She should be all things to all people, and be at ease with educated or lowly, rich or poor. She should remember she is not "the grand lady of the church," that she is placed there "to minister, not to be minis­tered unto." In one sense, the pastor's wife is the hostess of the church, and she should con­sider her position an honored one to look after the welfare of her church guests. She will need patience, tact, adaptability, hospitality, and again—she must love them.

The minister's wife should become acquainted with the members in their homes ; however, it is not well for her to visit with her husband all the time. She should go as often as possible, and especially where sorrow or illness is in the home, but occasionally the members should be able to have the pastor visit alone.

Good health is a great asset to the minister and his wife, and she should study to guard their health. It is important that she be able physically to perform her home duties, for the minister cannot carry on his work properly if he is burdened with household tasks as well.

A minister's wife should not be guilty of offi­ciousness and interference. Even though she may be qualified to care for certain matters, she will greatly strengthen her husband's hands if she refers such matters to him as should come under his jurisdiction. If her husband is coun­seling with someone, she should not join them. If a person comes to the home for counsel, she should greet him graciously and be friendly for a few moments, then excuse herself from the room.

The minister's wife may be asked to hold a church office, and it may be well for her to ac­cept under certain conditions. But in many cases it would be better for a layman to hold the office, leaving the wife free to help wherever she is needed most. Thus the church members are trained, and there is no great gap in the church program if the minister's family is transferred.

Should the minister's wife attend church board meetings or committee meetings if she is not a member or is not invited to sit with them by vote ? That can be answered by one word : No. In my limited experience I have known of some who have done this. They may never have known they were criticized for doing so, but such was the case.

The minister's wife is responsible for her talents, and apparently Mrs. E. G. White thinks being a minister's wife is a talent in itself, for she has written : "A responsibility rests upon the minister's wife which she should not and cannot lightly throw .off. God will require the talent lent her, with usury. She should work earnestly, faithfully, and unitedly with her hus­band to save souls."—Testimonies, vol. 1, p. 452.

There are many ways in which the minister's wife may strengthen the church program, ways which may be particularly her forte. I shall suggest a few.

I. A visitation program organized whereby the minister's wife visits the entire female mem­bership of the church, not with her husband this time, but with one of the sisters in the church, perhaps a different one each time, some­one she thinks will be of strength as a friend to the persons whom they visit that day. These should not be gossipy, frivolous visits, but warm, friendly, Christian visits to draw the women of the church closer together in the bond of fellowship.

II. The minister's wife may be a strength to the church socially. I do not mean in planning social gatherings only, but in simple friendli­ness. She should seek out those who are more retiring and reserved, but yet are true jewels in the church, for she will miss much if she does not cultivate their friendship. Her friendli­ness may cause an air of good fellowship to permeate the entire church, and help to dissi­pate any ruffled feelings which might exist.
 
III. The minister's wife may strengthen the health-education program of the church, en­couraging cooking and health-education classes. If there is no qualified dietitian or nurse avail­able, the minister's wife may organize such classes herself if she is willing to study. There is a wealth of material available along this line.
 
IV. It is almost superfluous to say that the minister's wife should respond to as many calls as she possibly can in all places where the women of the church are called to work. How much more effective will be her husband's ap­peal for the women's services for Ingathering, benevolent work, ad infinitum, if the minister's wife responds along with the other women of the church.
 
V. Her very presence may make a difference in the atmosphere of the groups which she en­ters. One Dorcas Society leader told a minis­ter's wife how very much she appreciated her faithful attendance at the group meeting, for, she observed, "The atmosphere is so different when you are there; they show a much better spirit, and even their conversation is changed !"

If her husband is carrying on active evange­listic work, there will be many other ways in which the minister's wife may assist. She may find that her services are needed in the role of Bible instructor, and some of her happiest hours may be spent in this way.

When the evangelist opens a series in a new city he may have an entirely new corps of work­ers associated with him, who are not acquainted with his methods. While he is on the platform, his wife may associate with the organization in the background and be of help until the workers and laymen are familiar with the operating routine of the program. Thus his mind may be at rest because someone who has worked with him previously is available to help out in an emergency.

She knows how the ushers and usherettes are to function. Or it may be the literature band needs special instruction as to how to proceed with its work. She may also be of assistance with the book displays. In all this it is desirable to have laymen in charge, the associate workers having the oversight of the various depart­ments, the evangelist's wife merely counseling or filling in a vacancy when needed. She should be careful not to be officious in any way.

A young evangelist, conducting his first cam­paigns, may have no help at all from associated conference workers. It may be that the wife will play the piano while her husband directs his own music, or she may be qualified to lead in the music direction herself, relieving him of this extra task.

The evangelist's wife may find she must act as her husband's secretary, helping with the correspondence, radio mail requests, and other things. It may be she is qualified to act as treas­urer of the campaign thus saving an associate worker many hours of time in the paying of bills, making up of reports and bank deposits.

Should I add that the minister's wife must be a keeper of confidences ? She will, if she has the love and respect of the members, receive many confidences, and have many troubles poured into her heart. Woe be unto her if she breaks their faith by discussing their affairs with others ! Whether or not she has been asked to keep her knowledge to herself does not make any difference. She must have the intuition to sense what is told her in trust. Because of her position she will observe and hear many things which she must have the judgment to ignore and keep to herself.

Now to add something just a little on the personal side, and I say it a little softly : Church members want to be able to respect their pastor, his wife, his family. A church member was overheard introducing the minister and his family to her visiting friend not long ago. After they had turne away and were talking with others, the woman said, rather proudly, "They have such well-behaved chil­dren."

I remember, too, a fine Christian woman in a small church in Virginia. She met her new pastor on the street downtown one day and said, "Brother ________________ , I must tell you how glad we are to have a minister of whom we can be proud. We loved dear Brother ______________  but it's so nice to have a pastor I can introduce to my friends. Your appearance is always neat, and you know just what to say." Now I don't . believe it was improper for that woman to de­sire a representative Christian gentleman as her pastor, do you?

A young wife must proceed slowly until she senses her place and responsibilities. God will guide her and bless her with wisdom, judgment, and -the talents needed as time goes on. There is little in print which she can study. She should read what the Spirit of prophecy has to say, of course. The Shepherdess, by Arthur Wentworth Hewitt, is one of the few books on the subject, for, as the author himself says, he has pioneered in the field. The book I Married a Minister is a compilation by wives of noted ministers giving their experiences and opinions. The articles which appear from time to time in THE MINISTRY are greatly appreciated. But most impor­tant of all, the minister's wife may sit at the feet of Jesus each day and learn of Him.

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By BERTHA WALTON FEARING, Minister's Wife, Glendale, California

February 1949

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