When a shy young woman and a timid young man approach the pastor requesting that he officiate at their wedding service, they present to that minister an opportunity for premarital counseling that can make all the difference between a successful marriage and a failure. Some ministers have made it a rule not to marry any couple with whom they have not had a premarital interview to discuss the basic conditions of a successful Christian home. Young people who earnestly desire assistance in creating a happy marriage will respond heartily if they know the minister to be qualified, understanding of their problems, and really interested in helping them without breaking their confidence.
Today when divorce and family breakdown are rampant and when thousands of outwardly successful marriages are tottering and remain standing only because of social and economic pressures or religious beliefs, it is the duty of the minister to fit himself by careful reading and study to give this much-needed help. To assist young people in their preparation for and participation in Christian marriage should become an absolutely indispensable part of pastoral work.
Every couple, as they anticipate the profound experience of wedded life, hope that their union will be successful and enriching. They are interested to know their chances of success in marriage when so many homes are unhappy and so many marriages fail. When the young people first ask him to perform the ceremony or when they come to discuss plans for the wedding, the minister can suggest discreetly that he is available for such talks and counsel. Of course, the value of these proceedings would naturally depend on the voluntary participation of the young people who are to be married. In his book Pastoral Counseling, Carroll A. Wise says:
"In this approach the minister makes himself emotionally available to the couple. He tries to develop a relationship that gives them confidence and freedom to bring forward a question if they care to do so. But he accepts them as they see themselves. He does not probe or preach. If the couple belong to his church he should have already built up this relationship through his pastoral contacts. If the couple are strangers to him, it might be well for him to state that he would be glad to talk with them about . . . marriage adjustment if they cared to do so." (Emphasis supplied.)
With such a relationship established he can invite their confidence at a time when their need of guidance is great. He thus has an opportunity to meet wisely the questions that the young people possibly have hesitated to ask. The judgment of ministers as to how much or how little should be said concerning the more intimate physical aspects of marriage will vary. Personally I think it is by far the better procedure to direct the young people to a physician whom you know to be a Christian, preferably one of our own Seventh-day Adventist practitioners who is married and has children. He will be ready to give all necessary advice regarding physical fitness for marriage and sex relationships. I usually advise both the man and the woman to have a general physical examination when they go for the blood test that is now required in many places before marriage. If you can make a working arrangement with a suitable doctor who is willing to cooperate in this plan, and who will charge a reasonable fee, much good can be accomplished in helping potential newlyweds.
I prefer to have two interviews with the prospective bride and groom before the wedding rehearsal. The first conference should be at least a month before the wedding service and the second some two weeks after the first. Having established a relationship of informality and relaxation wherein the couple may feel free to talk of whatever concerns them most, I encourage them to break into the conversation at any point during the interview to ask any question they desire. At the close of the first interview, as we rise from prayer, I hand to each of them a good book on marriage and request that they read both books before the second interview. Helpful volumes for this purpose are:
The Adventist Home, by Ellen G. White, Southern Publishing Association, Nashville, Tennessee.
Building Your Marriage, by Skidmore and Cannon, Harper and Brothers, New York.
The Good Housekeeping Marriage Book, edited by William Bigelow, Prentice-Hall Inc., New York.
Happiness for Husbands and Wives, by Dr. Harold Shryock, Review and Herald, Washington, D.C.
Successful Marriage, edited by Morris Fishbein, M.D., and Ernest W. Burgess, Ph.D., Doubleday and Company, Inc., Garden City, New York.
At the second interview I mention some of the matters that are dealt with in the two volumes they have been lent and thus open up the way for them to raise any questions that might have grown out of their reading.
Then on the day of the wedding I usually give the bride a copy of the book Harmony in Marriage, by L. F. Wood and R. L. Dickinson, nicely wrapped, together with a wedding certificate, in a white wedding-gift box.
Suggested Interview
The following is suggested as a typical counseling talk, covering matters that might well be discussed at an interview. Of course this would be broken up by various questions that the couple should be encouraged to interject in the course of the conference. It might be introduced, after a season of prayer in which the groom and bride-to-be are encouraged to take part with the pastor, by the words of Matthew 19:4, 5: "Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?"
The highest happiness known on earth is found through marriage in a Christian home. But such happiness does not come by chance. It comes to those who bring to their wedding day a determination to succeed and to make the building of a Christian home their primary interest in life together.
Surrounded by the good wishes of your friends, the first few miles of your journey together will be most entrancing. But the honeymoon will soon dip into life's restless sea. The scene will shift from "moonlight and roses" to "daylight and dishes." Then you will face the sterner realities of life.
Happy marriage, the kind of marriage God intended for you, is not something that you can expect to stumble into accidentally. It is not something that just happens. It is rather a tremendously precious prize, to be won with God's help by thoughtful, prayerful, unselfish living—each for the other.
It has been truly said that when a man and woman are united in holy wedlock, their union may take place on one, two, or three levels of life: the physical; the physical and intellectual; or the physical, intellectual, and spiritual. It is God's plan that your marriage, for fullest happiness, should be on all three levels.
When real love comes to you it is so rich and deep that it takes all that you are and all of your life to express its full meaning. True love hallows and helps to control the sex impulse. We must always remember that God created sex, and anything that He created for us is clean and wholesome, sacred and beautiful, when rightly understood and used. Of course, it is true that sex can be low and debased, but it need not be. And if you are going into marriage, friends, without an adequate understanding of God's truth about sex, then you are not really ready for marriage. One thoughtful Christian writer has stated that sex has three purposes to fulfill in life: first, to ensure the reproduction of the human race; second, to give pleasure and satisfaction to husband and wife as they share in mutual expressions of their love; third, the unification of husband and wife as it promotes harmony between the two and binds them together as one.
But this union on the physical level alone does not suffice to make for an ideal happy married life. Your mutual interests should naturally embrace the work of the husband, the upkeep of the home, intellectual development, music, recreation, friends, and many other matters. It is to interests of this nature that I referred when I spoke of union on the intellectual or on the social and cultural levels. It is usually true that a husband and wife who have many interests and friends in common will find themselves tied together more firmly and find life more absorbingly interesting. While a wife should run her home smoothly and efficiently she should also widen her horizons so that she is able to talk intelligently on a wide variety of subjects. The wife needs good common sense, a generous dash of ambition, and the ability to understand her husband's job. Most men do not realize how important their wives are in shaping their future. Some employers will not hire a man if they do not think his wife will be an asset. One leading businessman said recently, "Behind every successful man there is a woman who understands at just what point a man needs to be pushed and when he wants to be coddled. She should encourage him when he is down in the dumps and tighten the rein when he shows signs of wandering into aimless pursuits. She must be interested in her husband's career, realizing that it is her career, too, and that she can make or break it."
But above all remember this, that your marriage cannot be at its best with God left out. Marriage is a divine institution. Therefore take God into the home you are establishing. Read God's Word together and pray together every day. It is very true that "the family which prays together stays together." I have never known of a couple who regularly prayed together who have asked for a divorce. Therefore let your deepest bond of union be in that inward region of the soul where conscience and true ideals dwell. Then God's protecting hand will guide you and by His eternal love the love you hold for each other will ever be strengthened.
Marriage is the closest and the most intimate of all human relationships, therefore it is a process by which man and woman live together and adjust to each other. Because no two people are the same, it is only to be expected that when two persons of different traditions, temperament, and training fall in love and marry, differences will arise and adjustments will have to be made. And because of these factors it is perfectly normal for couples to have strong differences of opinion. Sometimes such conflicts will actually ease tensions, and marriages can even be strengthened by these differences when they are properly handled. Of course, it must always be remembered that there is a distinction between productive and destructive disagreement. You will not always agree, so it is well to learn how to differ in a spirit of love. An old philosopher has given us this good counsel for such occasions:
"Never both be angry at once.
Never talk at one another, either alone or in company.
Never speak loud to each other unless the house is on fire.
Never taunt the other with past mistakes.
Never meet without a loving welcome.
Never forget the happy hours of early love.
Let each one strive to yield oftener to the wishes of the other.
Never make a remark in public at the expense of the other.
Never let the sun go down on any anger or grievance."
You will soon make the discovery that "The kindest and the happiest pair Will find occasion to forbear; And something every day they live To pity and perhaps forgive."
There is a story told of one husband and wife who were always disagreeing and even quarreling. They finally hit upon a plan that brought peace. They decided that when things had gone wrong at the office and he felt like exploding when he came home, he should pull his hat down over the side of his face and his wife would know. Whatever he said, she was to keep quiet and not say a word in reply. And on the days when things had gone wrong at home, and she was feeling upset, she was to tuck up her apron, and when he saw this he should say nothing to her, no matter what she might say to him. They followed this plan, and everything was going along fine. It seemed to work out well. But one evening he came walking up the garden path with his cap pulled down and as she came to open the door he noticed that her apron was tucked away up. Now what was going to happen? What should they do? They did the wisest thing possible—had a good laugh together.
Friends, if there is one self-evident truth it is this: A successful marriage is the result of a definite purpose on the part of both parties to make it succeed. We have to learn how to live with a husband or wife. Do not expect perfection in the beginning. Marriage is the product of a slow growth and its happiness does not just happen. You will both have to work at it. People do not just get married and automatically live happily ever after. It is true that at first romantic love enters largely into the picture and you have a deeply stirring emotional experience when physical attraction draws you to each other. But after a while there begins to emerge in your relationship a conjugal love that is a stable, dependable depth of devotion that is built between you in the wear and tear of daily life together. Both types of love are necessary. They should blend and be complementary to each other. Romantic love is desirable, but conjugal love is absolutely essential if marriage is to last.
Problem Areas
There are some areas of the marriage relationship where problems are likely to arise unless we are on our guard. A most common cause of trouble in any partnership is money. It is said that nine tenths of the disputes between married couples are about finance. One rock on which some marriages are wrecked is that of extravagance. Living within the family income is hard for some wives—and some husbands—to learn. A tight, niggardly husband who saves money in the bank and constantly keeps his wife short is heading for trouble, as is the man who is selfish and spends a disproportionate amount of his earnings on himself. You should both have some money that is your very own to spend without accounting to the other. After some experimentation in the handling of money it might be found that the wife is the more capable of the two in this respect, and she should naturally assume control of the purse, or vice versa.
Another problem area is in relationships to your in-laws. Though you may not realize it now, yet it is true that when you marry you marry not just the one you love, but his or her whole family. So take a good look at your prospective in-laws. Get to know them and learn to appreciate them. This does not mean blind agreement or obedience to all their wishes. Keep your private affairs to yourselves. Solve your problems by yourselves if possible. Do not discuss your conflicts with your parents or friends.
Dr. Clifford R. Adams in his book Preparing for Marriage suggests some questions that you might like to ask yourselves:
"Do you have many common interests and things you like to do together?
Are you proud of your prospective partner, with nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for?
Do you have a strong desire to please him or her even if it means giving up your own preferences?
Do you have absolute faith and trust in what he says and what he does?
Does he have the qualities that you want for your children, or does she?
Do your parents and your close friends admire the one you are considering, and approve of this match?
Can you disagree and still be agreeable and love and respect each other?
Do you have a good many friends in common? Have you found yourselves already thinking in terms of you two rather than just of yourself alone?
Do you already, at least in your own mind, have the wedding planned and the home figured out?"
These questions are a good test of one's preparedness for married life, don't you think?
Well, time is passing quickly. But before you go I must tell you a story that I heard the other day—a story of a certain bride and groom. They were opening wedding presents and they came to a box containing a handsome pair of men's shoes and a pair of lovely ladies' slippers. To their amazement the box also contained two pairs of old shoes. "Why, those are my old shoes!" said the bride. "And mine, tool" said the groom. He opened the enclosed envelope and took out a twenty-dollar bill and a letter from his father, which said: "Dear Son,
These new shoes I give to you and your wife to tread your way along the path of married life. In the beginning, marriage like these shoes can be a tight fit and may pinch after the first excitement. But as the days, weeks, and years pass you will find that your marriage grows more satisfying, more perfect—and as comfortable as the worn old shoes. I wish you both a pleasant journey."