Should She Divorce Him?

ELDER, don't you think my husband and I should sepa­rate for the sake of the children? We quarrel all the time about anything and everything. No ma ter what I do or don't do, it never pleases him; and he gets on my nerves too. We are both supposed to be Christians, but our children hear more fussing around the home than any­thing else. And it is getting worse and worse. Don't you think everyone would be better off if we got a divorce?"

Now what should the pastor say? He cannot answer Yes, for everyone would not be better off. Studies have revealed that quarreling, as bad as it is, is not so damaging to a child as divorce. It is something like a storm at sea, which may be unpleasant and disagreeable to all the passengers aboard, but the worst storm is not so tragic as for the ship to go down. The light of the home may be dimmed by the argu­ing of the parents, but divorce extinguishes the light completely, as far as the children are con­cerned.

Another thing, a divorce seldom ever appears to solve the problem for the adults. More often than not it adds to the confusion and increases the sorrow and distress of both the husband and wife. According to the personal testimony of thousands of men and women, divorce gained them nothing. Even the innocent party often feels that in some way, somehow, he failed.

Although divorce may be necessary in cer­tain cases, it is entirely too common for the good of society or the strength of the nation. The appalling breakdown of the home is an­other sign that the world is ripe for destruction. Satan, the archenemy of God, is doing all in his power to wreck every marriage he can and ruin the church, but the watchmen on the walls of Zion are to sound the alarm and fight the enemy at every turn.

The minister is to protect the home and pre­vent divorce, if possible, but has the pastor done his full duty by declaring to this sister that she should not get a divorce but allow her fam­ily situation to continue?

This woman does not need a divorce, but she does need to know how to solve her problem. Now, if the pastor is a marriage counselor, and we certainly hope he is, he is not concerned with who is to blame but rather with what is to blame. Trying to find out whether the husband or the wife or the mother-in-law is the culprit is not only a waste of time but damaging to the home. Often the very investigation tends to fo­cus the attention on the shortcomings and to magnify the faults of the companion. This alien­ates affection and suggests separation. The situ­ation is thus made worse.

On the other hand, discovering what is causing the difficulty points to a common goal and suggests a way for closer unity in the home.

The Christian marriage counselor who has studied God's plan and purpose for the home realizes that the home is to supply many of our daily needs—physical, social, emotional, and spiritual. When the home for any reason fails to supply these basic needs, one begins to lose in­terest in that home and may even fight against it without being aware of the cause of his animosity.

If the wife never has time for a chummy con­versation with her husband, but constantly bombards him with her discontent and the needs of the family, he is often "driven" to seek companionship elsewhere. If the husband is too busy to give his wife a little affection, a lit­tle of his time, she is often tempted to accept it from strangers. Satan is ready to enter the home at any time the door is left unguarded. Each member of the home is to contribute to the welfare of the others as well as to receive benefits. When one is more concerned about what he receives than with what he contributes, he can never be satisfied. He is doomed to dis­appointment. But when one studies how he can add to the success of the home and to the hap­piness of the family, he finds an ever-flowing stream of joy and delight.

What are some of the things the pastor can tell this wife who feels that her home is a failure and the only "way out of the dilemma is divorce? Without wasting time lamenting the fact that her husband is set in his ways and will not go to anyone for counsel, the pastor can suggest cer­tain simple things she can do that may change her husband and make her home a happy, de­lightful place. That which one can do to make his home a success is often so simple, so matter of fact, that its importance is overlooked. In the endeavor to find a solution to our home prob­lems we often pass by the very remedy that would unlock our difficulties with ease, and we begin to probe into the mysteries, the compli­cations, and become lost in a fog of uncer­tainty. The longer we grope in psychological phrases the more hopeless the situation often appears.

What are some of the things this sister can do to make her home more desirable? For one thing, she can be there. This is something so simple that it is often overlooked. But no man likes to come home to an empty house. It is hard for a husband to love someone who isn't there. The wife who desires to be loved and appreci­ated will be there when her husband comes home. The pictures on the wall may be ever so rare, the carpets ever so soft, the furniture ever so elegant, but the house is desolate and bare without the wife and mother.

Another thing—she can be attractive in her personal appearance. A sad, tired face with languid eyes peering out from under a faded bandana has little chance to be queen of the home. A wife in a sweet little dress, a rose in her hair, and a smile on her face, who welcomes her husband at the door when he returns from work, has already won the argument.

Now, there's a little secret that everyone knows, but so many are not aware that they know it. A neat, tidy house says to our emotions, "Welcome. Sit down and enjoy yourself." A dirty, disorderly house says, "I don't like you. Go away. Don't stay here." It matters not who messed the things up—the children, the neigh­bors, the husband, or the wife—the effect is the same. The husband does not want to stay, and neither does the wife, although neither may re­alize why they wish to leave.

Of course, we don't want to go to the other extreme and turn the house into a museum, only to be seen but never used. We want every­one in the house to feel at home. Wives may be surprised to see what a few minutes of tidying up the front room before his return will do to the husband's disposition (and her own).

A poor cook is a poor homemaker. A Chris­tian wife will take her cooking seriously and seek to improve her culinary arts to the best of her ability. After all, we are told that there is religion in a loaf of bread. The physical, emo­tional, intellectual, and spiritual welfare of the family is affected by the food they eat. Serving good nourishing food in an appetizing manner in a congenial atmosphere is one way of strengthening the family bond. One way a pas­tor can teach practical Christianity to the mem­bers of his church is to sponsor a cooking school.

Now here is a secret that is practically un­known to the majority of people, rich or poor, ignorant or learned. The secret is this: The wife holds the key to the success of the home, but many a woman does not recognize the key that is in her hand until a marriage counselor identifies it for her. This key is called inspira­tion. Seldom does any man accomplish any­thing worth while, be he poet, musician, artist, or politician, without the inspiration of a woman. God saw that "it is not good that the man should be alone." Therefore He gave him the woman to inspire him.

Now inspiration has nothing to do with nag­ging, scolding, criticizing, trying to reform him, ever prodding or pushing him. The wife who inspires him tells him what a wonderful man he is to her. Without flattery or hypocrisy she lets him know that she does appreciate his moral courage or dependability or whatever trait she does admire. A man who feels that his wife admires his courage will be more coura­geous. If he feels she admires his judgment, he will be more careful in his decisions. A woman who is proud of her husband's work is giving him the greatest aid possible. It is as valuable as a refresher course at a university.

Usually the quality of a man's work is a reflection of his wife's inspiration. If she is proud of his skill, he will be more skillful. If she is proud of his dependability, he will be more de­pendable. If she thinks he is a poor workman, he is far more likely to make mistakes. If she is ashamed of his job, he stands a good chance of being fired. The wife holds the key to her hus­band's success and to her own happiness.

But the home is not a one-sided affair. The husband also can do much to make home a happy, delightful place to be. He too must be at home some of the time if he is to benefit the family. A head that is separated from the body is useless. If the husband is the head of the house, he must be connected with the home positively. There is something about mowing the lawn, painting the house, setting out the shrubbery, that creates a deeper, personal interest in the place.

He does not want to see the inside of his home littered with ugly frowns or spoiled with thorny, unpleasant words either. Instead, he prefers to cultivate courteous expressions such as "Thank you," "Please," "That's fine," and "I beg your pardon." Small as these tender plants may be, they make the home fragrant with their breath and happy with their sound.

Whether a man has married a queen or a housekeeper depends mainly on the husband. The man who takes everything for granted, never tells his wife how wonderful the dinner is, never notices what dress she has on or how neat the house is, has married a housekeeper. But the man who lets his wife know what a delicious pie she has baked, howT beautiful her eyes are, and how lovely she looks in her blue dress has married a queen. A woman can do her best, look her loveliest, and be her sweetest when she is loved and appreciated. An intel­ligent husband keeps his wife at her best by let­ting her know in word and deed that he does love and appreciate her. Every day in some way he tells her that he loves her.

He remembers, her birthday and the wedding anniversary. He refrains from comparing her unfavorably with any other woman, relative or neighbor. He lets her know that she is the queen of his heart and of his home.

The strength of the church is determined by the strength of the home. The pastor as shep­herd of the flock will lead his people in a way that will assure them happy, successful homes.