How to Deal With People (Concluded)

Third Reason for Success

JESUS achieved success with people be cause He was thoughtful of their feelings. We read (Heb. 4:15) about Christ that He is "touched with the feeling of our infirmities." And again, "A bruised reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not quench; He will bring forth justice in truth" (Isa. 42:3, Amplified Bible).* Referring to Christ's method of relating to people, we read in Steps to Christ: "He exercised the greatest tact, and thoughtful, kind attention in His inter course with the people. He was never rude, never needlessly spoke a severe word, never gave needless pain to a sensitive soul. He did not censure human weakness. He spoke the truth, but always in love. He denounced hypocrisy, unbelief, and iniquity; but tears were in His voice as He uttered His scathing rebukes."---Page 12.

As leaders we are in a position where we can help or harm, build or destroy, people. We can speak kindly and firmly or with anger and passion. It is not difficult to act out our natural characteristics. There are those who think "flying off the handle" is a sign of maturity and courage; but the adjectives immature and coward would be much more applicable.

Sometimes we hear men say, "I gave it to him straight from the shoulder. He deserved it and he got it." "I gave him both barrels." Maybe he did deserve it. What about your method? What about the spirit? In dealing with people, unloading even one barrel may be questioned. Strength of character is not revealed by pulling the trigger of the gun of emotion but rather from refraining even to take aim. It would be better to tell the truth from the heart rather than from the shoulder. I'm not at all convinced that people are helped much by this "shoulder to shoulder truth." "Shoulder truth" usually bounces off the shoulder of the other fellow and rolls off his back. Heart truth reaches the heart.

Dr. Wetherill in his book How to Get Leadership and Influence says: "From more than 25 years of careful observation I have become convinced that nobody needs to be taught how to scold. Nobody needs to be told how to hurt another person's feelings. It is one of the easiest abilities to acquire." When somebody's behavior falls short of proper standards, there is a wide range of possible counteracting steps that we can take. We can bawl him out, scold him, give him a tongue lashing, beat him up, or simply ignore him altogether, and this can be the worst kind of punishment. The Christian leader will take a personal interest by showing him how to correct his trouble and make him like it. This is the Christlike manner of dealing with our fellow beings.

Fourth Reason for Success

Jesus was successful in dealing with people because He looked for the best in people. No doubt He believed that---

There is so much good in the worst of us, And so much bad in the best of us, That it hardly becomes any of us, To talk about the rest of us.

Christ never magnified the weak points of human nature. He always tried to bring the best to the surface. Mary was a sinner. Simon was a sinner. Christ looked for the good in both. The good did come to the surface. Both became humble and sincere followers of the Lord.

It was Lawrence of Arabia who, when getting along so well with the Arabs, was asked how he accomplished this. He replied, "I treated every Arab as an Englishman." Looking for the good in others creates an attitude of wholesomeness. It leads to creativeness, new thoughts, new discoveries, and makes for better relationships.

Dorothy Canfield Fisher, noted writer and critic, said, "In all my relations I try first of all to understand people. Then I try to see what I can do toward getting them what they need for a fulfilled and satisfactory life." New Life, p. 46.

The first president of the General Assembly of the United Nations, Paul-Henri Spaak, said that he had only one rule by which he guided his actions. The rule is this: "Each human being has something in him which deserves attention, and when once discovered it becomes an enrichment of your own person. But you must seek the good in others continually. Nothing is gained by using this ability occasionally. Make it a permanent trait, and you have the key to understanding others." Ibid,, p. 49.

The following stanzas have been good for me:

"Not understood, we gather false impressions And hold them close as the years go by, Till virtues often seem to us transgressions; And thus men rise and fall and live and die Not understood.

Not understood. How many breasts are aching For lack of sympathy. Ah, day by day, How many cheerless, lonely hearts are breaking, How many noble spirits pass away Not understood.

O God, that men would see a little clearer, Or judge less harshly when they cannot see. O God, that men would draw a little nearer To one another. . . . They'd be nearer Thee And understood." THOMAS BRACKEN

Fifth Reason for Success

Jesus took into consideration people's emotions. To understand and to see the best in people one must try to understand the part that emotions play in life. Dr. William C. Menninger says, "Many times we come in contact with an intellectual genius. He has a very high I.Q. but is actually a 'social blacksmith.' He can't get along with people even though he is so brilliant; he makes the rest of us feel a bit uncomfortable because of his brilliance." Because he is brilliant is no guarantee that he is emotionally well balanced. We are all emotional creatures. Sudden expressions of emotions may not always reveal the inner self of a person.

Jessie S. Nirenberg in her book Getting Through to People says: "The way to make a person comfortable when he expresses intense emotion is to accept it without judgment or condemnation. Never point out that he ought not to feel that particular emotion. The fact is that he does feel it and he can't control the way he feels. Emotions are not controllable. One can control what one does about emotions, but the experience of emotion itself can no more be controlled than the secretion of gastric juices or the circulation of the blood." Page 61.

Jesus gave us a good example of how to deal with persons who explode emotionally. Standing in the court of Caiaphas, Christ heard Peter cursing and making vehement denials. He heard him not only once, or twice, but three times. Christ knew that this blowing the safety plug of the emotion boiler was not the real Peter. Jesus looked at His poor disciple. Peter looked at Jesus. Their eyes met. Peter read deep pity and sorrow on the countenance of Christ. There was no anger there. Christ probably felt like saying, "Will the real Peter please stand up?" After shedding sincere tears of repentance in Gethsemane, the real Peter did stand up. All through life he faithfully stood for the cause of Christ.

When we are tempted to unleash our emotions we do well to remember the advice of Daniel Webster: "Keep cool; anger is not an argument." We must get people who are emotionally upset to talk, but not to argue. Why is the individual angry? Concerned? Worried? Frustrated or whatever? Get him to talk about his feelings. Accept the emotions but don't criticize them. Remember that there are many factors which can trigger emotions. The difference between emotionally mature and emotionally immature people is in all too many cases the difference between a congested liver and a normal one; or a hyperthyroid condition and a sound one; or a low blood pressure and a normal one; or chronic food poisoning and a guided diet; or it is the difference between a man with a shrewish, nagging wife at home and one whose wife is a good companion; or a man who does not marry because of a mother fixation and one no longer tied to his mother by too much affection; or a man harassed by the anxiety of supporting numerous children or in-laws on a small pittance and one without money troubles.

Someone said that the older he grew the more convinced he became that "digestion is the great secret of life, and that character, talents, virtue, and qualities are powerfully affected by beef, mutton, pie crust, and rich soups."

Sixth Reason for Success

Jesus knew how to deal with critics. What about the person who criticizes and maligns us? What do you do? First, a leader must be willing to pay the price of leadership criticism is a large part of it. If he thinks the price is too high he should step down where criticism is not so costly. I'm not suggesting that one should invite criticism, but when it comes, and come it will, he should not be surprised and lose his equilibrium. Criticism usually comes without listing it on the agenda and asking the committee to vote it.

A minister was asked by a Quaker woman, "Dost not thee think that we can walk so carefully, live so correctly, and avoid every fanaticism so perfectly, that every sensible person will say, 'That is the kind of religion I believe in'? He replied, 'Sister, if thee had a coat of feathers as white as snow, and a pair of wings as shining as Gabriel's, somebody would be found some where on the footstool with so bad a case of color blindness as to shoot thee for a blackbird.¹ "

Jesus said, "Blessed are ye, when men shall . . . say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." If it is a blessing to be accused falsely I'll not do anything to avoid getting the blessing. Mark Twain, after giving one of his readings, was criticized severely. A friend of his asked why he didn't reply to the critic. He said, "I did. I hit him with a huge chunk of silence."

I was interested the other day in reading how Jesus replied to the sneers, the taunts, and the ridicule of His fellow workers at the carpenter's bench. Ellen White says: "He would begin to sing one of David's beautiful psalms; and His companions, before realizing what they were doing, would unite with Him in the hymn." The SDA Bible Commentary, Ellen G. White Comments, on James 3:2, p. 936.

When critics give us uneasiness we may not always be able to deal with them in song. In fact, we probably wouldn't know enough hymns by memory to even sing. The principle, however, of not meeting criticism with criticism, like with like, is a Christian one.

The people who sought help from the Lord came from all classes and professions, from all walks of life. We are told that none who came to Him went away unhelped. There flowed from Him a stream of healing power. The people who came were made whole.

For this kind of inner strength we should very earnestly pray. The fruits of the Spirit love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance these have been promised to "who soever will." The Spirit and the bride say come and take "the water of life freely." Having this Spirit, we will then pattern after Christ in our dealing with people. What a wonderful thing it would be if it could be said of us, "None who came went away unhelped." People should not only feel better because of our dealing with them, they should be better. They should know we are interested in their good and that we are not only sincere but honest; that we are considerate of their feelings, and always look for their good qualities which so many times are hidden from view.

In spite of our best efforts we will still fail because we are human. However, if we love people, if our motives are pure, our methods Christian, our efforts of sufficient magnitude, we will be a source of strength to those with whom we communicate.

In my office there hangs framed a quotation from a great American. For my own encouragement I look at it quite often. It reads: "I do the very best I know how . . . the very best I can, and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference."---ABRAHAM LINCOLN.