WELL honey, how did it go?" The pastor had studied well, prayed much, and given himself fully as the messenger for the worship hour. He was anxious for feed back from a pew sitter's point of view. How was his sermon accepted? Now driving home after church he awaited his wife's reply. A moment of silence and then it came, hesitantly, "It was a wonderful text, dear."
Was this answer a putdown, a squelch, an ego buster, a humility adjustment, a help, or a hindrance? What has happened here, and what are the results? What will be the dynamics at work in the minister-wife relationship after a series of come backs like this? Was the pastor soliciting praise? Is it a cardinal sin for a wife to give honest, sincere commendation if a job is well done?
Feedback Is Needed
Everybody except the secluded hermit needs some sort of reliable feedback. This is necessary so that a person may know how to continue. Should he modify his behavior (approach, style, et cetera) in order to achieve the results he desires? He needs to know when he is on course (positive feed back). He needs to know when he is off course (negative feedback).
In a sense it might be said that Jesus was requesting feedback from His disciples in texts found in Matthew 16:13-16, when he asked, "Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?" Not that He needed information from them for "he knew what was in man" (John 2:24, 25). Notice, however, that at first the feedback was negative, for His disciples were not aware of His need. They answered, "Some say . . . Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets." Then came the positive feed back from Peter, "Thou are the Christ, the Son of the living God."
Much information as to "How am I doing?" is given unconsciously. One minister confides that a glance at his wife during the sermon lets him know exactly how his presentation is going. A wife may have an expressive face and her moods and reactions are not difficult to read. The pursed lips, the titled head, the eyes, the ever so slight nod of the head, all communicate clearly.
There are times when something needs to be said—when verbal feedback should be offered. Constructive criticism and commendation from the minister-evangelist wife is valued far more than that given by the elders, deacons, and congregation. However, due to her intimate and permanent relationship to him, what she says may have more power to wound him. The wise wife does not cut her husband down with squelches or puff him up with excessive praise.
Room for Commendation
There is always a time for praise—a few well-chosen words of commendation. In the parable of the talents, the good and faithful servants were told that their job was well done. The minister should not be given excessive praise or flattery and should discourage it, but it is encouraging to have the one he loves and respects, the one he knows will tell him the truth, say, "Your sermon was a blessing to me, and I feel it touched the hearts of others."
Preachers are many things to many people, but basically ministers are people, too. Each person, except the grossly retarded, holds within his thinking a self-image he attempts to project to the society around him. A minister called to preach sees him self as a preacher. Much of his behavior, his dress, color of car, et cetera, is involved in maintaining or enhancing his image of himself as a preacher. To many, after basic needs are met, the maintenance of self-image is the principal preoccupation. Much of a man's behavior consists of testing or sampling responses from others and modifying his behavior in accordance with his feedback. A person feels ill at ease unless he can periodically have someone significant to him validate his identity, or to confirm, in concurrence with his view of himself, who he is. This confirmation, coming from someone who cares, reinforces the self-image and makes the person feel confident and secure.
A Normal Trait
This is not a sex-linked trait. The need for expression of appreciative confirmation is a human need. Any wife who tries to be a good cook will agree that nothing will tend to increase her effectiveness in the culinary arts like simple, sincere commendation from her husband. "Honey, the bread is delicious," or "I like this stew."
The same can be true of the minister and his preaching. We all appreciate some occasional wifely positive feedback. Three hundred members coming by the door all saying they appreciated the message do not equal, in meaning to the preacher, one loving wife saying it. It is a principle of life, which applies even in animal training, that the way to increase desirable behavior is to reward it when it occurs.
When mistakes are pointed out they should be mentioned but not harped on or majored in. Criticism is best accepted and utilized when directed by the wife to the mistake itself rather than at the preacher who made the mistake, or perhaps even at herself. For example: "I didn't understand the illustration about the swimmer;" or, "The sermon seemed rather lengthy to me;" or, "The word ambivalence is pronounced thus and so." Undue emphasis on mistakes can make a speaker uneasy, tense, self-concerned, and ineffective.
Ellen G. White has much to say about ministers being praised, flattered, and pet ted (see Evangelism, pp. 494, 495, 630, 679). The dangers of praise and flattery must be recognized as a snare of Satan, especially when offered by gushing, beguiling women. She does say that in the home, in the close intimacy of the family, commendation is a needed ingredient. Another thought gleaned from her pen is that a minister must not become too obsessed with his own self-image. His mind should be more on the people he is trying to serve.
In Testimonies, volume 4, page 65, she counsels, "Give due credit to every good purpose and action of those around you. Speak words of commendation to your husband, your child . . . and to all with whom you are associated. Continual censure blights and darkens the life of any one." (Italics supplied.)
Reassurance and encouragement, appropriate praise, honest and sincere approbation imparts a corrective and healing emotional experience. The little lady in the parsonage, due to her close relationship, has the blessed opportunity to be implicit in her reassurance.
