Editorial

Home "Sour" Home or Home "Sweet" Home?

THE increasing number of marital problems among Adventist clergymen prompts this editorial. I recently received a letter from a minister whom I have known for a number of years. The content is heartbreaking. He is no longer in the work and has little hope of ever coming back into the ministry. As far as I know, there are no charges of immorality on either side. It is another case of inability to get along together. . .

-Editor of Ministry at the time this article was written

THE increasing number of marital problems among Adventist clergymen prompts this editorial. I recently received a letter from a minister whom I have known for a number of years. The content is heartbreaking. He is no longer in the work and has little hope of ever coming back into the ministry. As far as I know, there are no charges of immorality on either side. It is another case of inability to get along together.

After my friend and his wife separated he secured a position that occupied his time and attention night and day in order to escape thoughts of his past problem and present loneliness.

"I was always on the road," my friend wrote, "until I was too tired to go on. . . .It has been difficult for me to live alone and also to be forced to drop out of denominational work. I have not preached a sermon now for about four years.

"Sometimes I wonder about my future, but see no way to return to the ministry again. I can't go back alone and I don't suppose I'd have a chance if I married again. Anyway, there are lots of fine young men to take my place in the ministry.

"Strange how things can get all mixed up in life. The old devil has surely cut me down. My real concern is not to get back into the ministry but to be saved when life is over."

To receive this type of letter a few years ago would have been quite unique. Today it is a rare thing to attend workers' meetings or camp meetings without some minister or minister's wife talking with me about family problems.

It should be recognized that marital difficulties among our lay people are increasing at an alarming rate. The sanctity of marriage vows has been undermined by the world. The seeing eye and the hearing eye are constantly being confronted with husband-wife relationships that are foreign to Biblical concepts. It is Satan's studied plan to destroy the home the foundation of society.

The basic problem of a disintegrating minister's or layman's home is a lack of union with Jesus Christ. Every broken home has as its root cause the rebellious nature of man. James described it clearly: "What causes wars, and what causes fightings among you? Is it not your passions that are at war in your members?" (James 4:1, R.S.V.).

Literature racks and bookstores are flooded with every conceivable type of literature dealing with the home, husband and wife relation ships, parent-child relationships, and sex relationships. Much of it is pointless; some is nothing more than printed pornography, and some contains excellent material. But the vast majority of all literature dealing with family relation ships deals with symptoms and not with causes. For instance, there are pages of advice written by marriage counselors to the effect that the wife must stay trim, neat, beautiful, and appealing. She should never take her husband for granted but maintain that seductive mystique which is certain to keep her husband from wandering on forbidden paths.

I am happy to acknowledge that within certain limits this is excel lent counsel. Of course, it is ridiculous to expect our wives to dress in formal wear while giving Baby Sue a bath or while doing spring house cleaning. We don't want to carry this being dressed-up business to the extreme.

But the point is, there are some husbands, ministers included, who may be married to a ravishing 24-hour-a-day beauty queen and yet still run off with their neighbor's wife. There are, of course, also some wives who are married to cultured, handsome husbands and yet still yearn for forbidden fruit.

Another element which muddies the break-up of the home picture is the usual defense for the spouse who has a paramour. "I don't blame him (her) for leaving his (her) wife (husband). She (he) had an awful temper," or "she (he) is a terrible nag," and so on. True, there may be two sides to every divorce problem, but there are many cases where the two sides are not divided on a 50-50 basis but on a 95-5 basis!

The fall of man has brought with it the fall of marriage relation ships, home, and parent-child relationships. The root of every social and moral problem we face is traceable to the fact that we are sinners with evil natures. It is an old, old story, and how I wish I could write it with new force and persuasive power. So many feel that one is simplistic in his approach if he stresses this point of man's fallen nature. They are looking for some involved formula which, if followed, will bring peace and happiness in home relationships. But you can follow all the advice the marriage counselors give you, and certainly good advice is to be sought and is most helpful in solving problems, but the solution of all solutions is a commitment to Christ. The only sure and permanent remedy is a thorough conversion to Christ on the part of both husband and wife.

I am in no way suggesting that making the home the most attractive place in the world, keeping up the early attentions, et cetera, are unimportant. Absolutely not! A happy home does not come by accident- Eternal vigilance is the price of both liberty and a happy marriage. It takes planning, programming, promotion it takes ingenuity, energy, watchcare it takes every ounce of skill a husband and wife have in order to create and maintain a happy marriage and home. But the sure foundation on which these elements must be built is the rock of conversion to Christ.

Here are words that express this point beautifully. Read them care fully! "Hearts that are filled with the love of Christ can never get very far apart. . . . Religion is needed in the home. Only this can prevent the grievous wrongs which so often embitter married life. Only where Christ reigns can there be deep, true, unselfish love. . . . Unless you have an ear nest desire to become children of Cod, you will not understand clearly how to help each other." The Adventist Home, pp. 94, 95.

To approach the problem in any other way is like trying to treat the leaves of a sick shrub when the problem is really that worms are attacking its roots.

To those ministerial couples who may be experiencing continual difficulties, may I suggest that you examine carefully your Christian experience. Are you a fully committed Christian? Do you have a daily prayer experience? Do you sincerely study ways and means to make your partner happy? Do you take time to study Christ's life, which inevitably will soften and subdue obnoxious traits in your own life? Do you pray for God's Spirit to make you a loving and lovable person and to increase your love for your life partner?

When Christ through Paul commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, He meant it! Man's love for his wife is modeled on the love of Christ for the church, which, if necessary, will lead him to sacrifice his life for his partner. Woman's love for her husband is modeled on the love of the church for Christ, which shows itself in respect and submission to the husband. This type of union can be blessed of God. We need more of them!


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-Editor of Ministry at the time this article was written

June 1974

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