Preparation for Marriage

PERHAPS the greatest single neglect in the whole human experience is proper preparation for marriage. Yet whether we realize it or not, people are being prepared for marriage. It is my firm conviction that the tragic results evident in so many homes are the product of this preparation.

Next to preparation of children for the kingdom of heaven, preparation of the child for marriage is doubtless a parent's greatest single responsibility. Everything that he says and does actually contributes to this whether for good or for evil. This is a fearful reality, and all parents need to be aware of it.

When does this preparation be gin? Some time ago I saw a sermon title that intrigued me, "Life After Birth." Of course, this was speaking of the new birth, and was in contrast to the familiar evangelistic topic, "Life After Death." Of the two I think the first is the more important, for the preparation begins at birth or even before, and continues on "till death do us part."

What Must the Child Be Taught?

What are the things that must be taught if proper preparation is to be made? The child must be taught:

Self-control. This is vital and requires among other things, careful, prayerful but firm discipline. "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth" (Heb. 12:6), and parents will too.

The development of right habits. These do not come about by accident. They must be learned and daily practiced.

The lesson of dependence. You will notice that I have not said in dependence, but dependence. Dependence upon parents, others, and God, is something that must be taught. My experience indicates that independence is a much greater barrier to happiness in marriage than dependence. For among other things the capacity to make a person, husband or wife, feel not only wanted but needed is an essential stimulus to personal growth and development in marriage.

We have been told that it was when his first son was born that Enoch began his walk with God. As he observed the utter dependence of the little infant upon his parents and his complete trust in them, he learned the lesson of complete dependence and trust in God. This is the ultimate in the walk with God and of righteousness by faith.

How to share--in every way.

How to work and relate to responsibility. Children should be taught from the earliest years to accept assignments and carry the responsibility of seeing that a job is well done. The parent has the responsibility of seeing to it that the child does his appointed task.

How to grow up. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I under stood as a child, I thought as a child [I played as a child, I acted as a child]: but when I became a man, I put away childish things [including the pouting, childish disposition]" (1 Cor. 13:11).

How to get along with people. How to relate to people in all cultures, under varied conditions, is a vital lesson to be learned by everyone. But it is especially vital in preparation for marriage.

How to receive as well as how to give. This is a gracious art and needs to be well developed.

How to express love. This must be learned. It does not come merely by doing what comes naturally.

How to express appreciation. This is one of the great things that will be evident in the life of the one properly prepared for marriage. It stimulates love.

How to relate to problems, abuse, criticism, anger, unkindness, prejudice, hate. This means the temper must always be under control.

How to relate to temptation. "My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not" (Prov. 1:10). "But thou, O man of God, flee these things" (1 Tim. 6:11). "Cease to do evil; learn to do well" (Isa. 1:16, 17). "Overcome evil with good" (Rom. 12:21). "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Prov. 15:1). "When lust hath conceived [and given time it will], it bringeth forth sin" (James 1:15). In other words, keep the passions and emotions under control.

How to worship and maintain a truly joyous experience in Christ. Each person needs to learn to appreciate the joy and happiness of a better world.

These lessons should be, and are being taught day by day, consciously or unconsciously, positively or negatively.

The School's Responsibility

In limitless ways, the school must sense a responsibility of seconding the work done in the home in preparing our young people for marriage. In the important areas of learning good habits, getting along well with others, learning to work and play together, and the many other avenues of self-expression in a group setting, our schools have a priceless privilege.

What better place to teach our youth to study and pray together. Through meaningful classes in areas of physiology and body care, as well as in the development of right attitudes and practices, our schools may make a major contribution to our youth.

Our schools can also be helpful in the vital areas of proper relationships between the sexes. In classes in homemaking and responsibility sharing, in parent-child relationships, in child-to-child matters, and later in youth-to-youth relationships much can be presented to our young people that will make a major contribution to their future security and happiness.

The Christian school, together with the Christian home, can be used of Cod in giving guidance to our youth that will help them to be able to approach marriage with good reason to expect success and continued happiness.

In our colleges, and perhaps in the later years of academy, courses should be offered that will set forth the basics essential for the establishment of a happy home. If the home fails in this area, and so many do, then the school must not fail. This may be the only hope that some of our youth have of ever receiving proper training for the second most important decision of their lives.

What a great thing it would be if in the setting of the spiritual exercises and classes this kind of work could be done. This would help to undo the tragic training of the street, and the mass communications media, and set forth in a delicate but appealing way the great love of God for His children, and His desire for them in wholly satisfying home relationships.

The Church's Responsibility

Some ask, What can the church do in this area? By faithfully instructing, supporting the home and school, and initiating such programs as home health, home relationships, parent-child work shops, and home care, it can make its great contribution to our youth and to our future homes.

No pastor who has a shepherd's love for his sheep will want to neglect any opportunity to render such service to his people. In in formal classes, in formal training programs, in arranging for group activities and group sharing, he may assist our youth in the development of right attitudes and practices.

Many of our youth come from divided homes and do not attend our schools. Their only hope is for the church to step in and fill the need. By pastoral counseling and personal interest, by using his own home as a place where proper ideals and concepts are demonstrated, the pastor can set the stage for limitless assistance to our dear youth.

Through sermons on the home, on child training, on the sacredness of the family ties and the marriage vows, by presenting God's counsels on divorce and remarriage, by sharing the beautiful concepts and inspired counsels of the Spirit of Prophecy, the concerned pastor can help our interested and needy young people.

There is another way in which the church can make a major contribution. It is in the service offered by its pastor in prayerfully counseling those who are having problems in the home. If this is done in the spirit of Christ and by sharing the counsels of Scripture, he may be able to assist troubled partners in marriage in solving their problems and enjoying the true happiness that God intended for the home.

In the home, the school, and the church, our most creative minds should be developing up-to-date, meaningful help both for the homes of the church and of the community. We may be a great source of support for troubled people that will enable the church to meet the staggering problem that exists in our society today.

Joint Responsibility

The bride and the groom should seek to learn together that which will contribute most to the success of their marriage and to their ultimate happiness, both in this life and in the life to come.

God's beautiful plan is the development of holy, healthy, happy people. He wants them now and He wants them with Him through out eternity.

God's original plan has not changed. Marriage is still sacred. Marriage is still for keeps, "till death do us part." Death is the only dissolving factor in God's ideal plan. We must constantly stress the fact that divorce is a very, very poor substitute, even at best, and should be avoided like the plague.

It is vital that thorough and practical preparation should be made before marriage in the home, in the school, in the church, in individual relationships, both separately and jointly.

The marriage relationship, if entered into in harmony with God's ideal and plan, contributes vitally to the wholeness of the individual. Man is not complete in God's plan without the woman. Neither is the woman complete without the man. It is still "not good for man to be alone."

Marriage pays rich dividends in health, in happiness, and in holiness if both partners seek and endeavor to follow God's purpose and plan. I have been greatly impressed by reading "A Parent's Prayer" by Dr. Garry C. Myers, taken from Highlights for Children. Blessed is the child who is prepared for life and marriage by such a parent whose prayer is answered.

"Oh, God, make me a better parent. Help me to understand my children, to listen patiently to what they have to say and to answer all their questions kindly. Keep me from interrupting them, talking back to them and contradicting them. Make me as courteous to them as I would have them be to me. Give me the courage to confess my sins against my children and to ask of them forgiveness, when I know that I have done them wrong.

"May I not vainly hurt the feelings of my children. Forbid that I should laugh at their mistakes or resort to shame and ridicule as punishment. Let me not tempt a child to lie and steal. So guide me hour by hour that I may demonstrate by all I say and do that honesty produces happiness.

"Reduce, I pray, the meanness in me. May I cease to nag; and when I am out of sorts, help me, Oh Lord, to hold my tongue.

"Blind me to the little errors of my children and help me to see the good things that they do. Give me a ready word for honest praise.

"Help me to treat my children as those of their own age, but let me not exact of them the judgments and conventions of adults. Allow me not to rob them of the opportunity to wait upon themselves, to think, to choose, and to make decisions.

"Forbid that I should ever punish them for my selfish satisfaction. May I grant them all of their wishes that are reasonable and have the courage always to with hold a privilege which I know will do them harm.

"Make me so fair and just, so considerate and companionable to my children that they will have a genuine esteem for me. Fit me to be loved and imitated by my children.

"With all Thy gifts, Oh God, do give me calm and poise and self-control."*