Ministering to one-parent families

A man came to Jesus asking for help; his son was possessed by an evil spirit. The man asked not only for the child but also for the parents: " 'If you can do anything, have pity on us and help us'" (Mark 9:22, R.S.V.). That request comes also from millions of single parents: "Pastor, if you can do anything, have pity on us and help us."

Today, 11.5 million children under age 18 live with one parent. More than 1.2 million homes will be dissolved by divorce; another 2 million will be affected by separation. Nearly half the children born in the mid-seventies will spend time living in one-parent homes before age 18.

In a day of rapid change and an unprecedented assault on the home, pas tors need guidelines for ministering to single parents and their children. They need more than just the facts; they need "handles" to help them. These guidelines are not the final answer but rather suggestions that will need to be adapted for your church.

1. The pastor does not have to have all the answers. There are few easy answers. Traditional proof texts and solutions must be understood in their contexts. Jesus noted it was the "teachers of the law" who were taking advantage of widows that day's predominant single parent (see Mark 12:38-40). Those who rely on legalism will miss opportunities for significant ministry, and may regret earlier counseling stances.

The absence of well-defined, black-and-white answers may well mean that we will struggle as we minister in this delicate arena. But the pastor who seeks the Lord's guidance and assurance and leans on the leadership of the Holy Spirit reaches people. Sometimes he may have to say "I don't know" to problems even Solomon could not solve. Such situations should send us to our knees, imploring wisdom from the One who does know.

2. The pastor doesn't take sides. Both ex'es and their children may remain active in your church. It may be tempting to support the offended (the underdog) and reject (directly or indirectly) the instigator. Veteran family counselors have learned to carefully weigh the testimony.

The public rationale for a divorce may be different from the private motivation. For example, Mary was branded "a back slider" after she initiated a divorce from her husband of twenty years. She was asked to resign from all her roles in the church. "How could you?" demanded the outraged pastor.

Mary endured the pain of the criticism until she moved. Although anxious to put her to work in the church, her new pastor had reservations and questioned her about the divorce.

"Do I have to say I've sinned?" she asked me. I raised questions about the marriage and then explained my understanding that divorce is sin. I shared God's willingness to forgive and direct us into the new. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us ..." (1 John 1:9).

"But I don't feel as though I've done anything wrong," she protested.

"Mary, by your own admission, you initiated the divorce," I replied.

"But I had to," she responded, "I had to."

After a moment, I asked, "Mary, was your husband a homosexual?"

She looked stunned, then burst into tears. "No one knows," she sobbed. "I couldn't tell anyone. We hadn't had sex in fourteen years. For years, I thought it was me. I tried to help him. I wanted him to go for counseling, but he wouldn't go, and there were times he stayed away from the house for days."

"What forced your decision?" I asked.

"I was afraid for the children. He didn't act right around them. So I told him, 'You have eighteen months to get some counseling. If you don't, I'm going to leave you!'"

The man appeared to be a model Christian: Sunday school teacher, board member, and good financial contributor. But eighteen months later, she left him. Mary paid a tremendous price for her silence.

3. The pastor knows things aren't always what they seem. While the pastor will be privy to a great deal of inside information, both sides have biases (and bruises from those biases). He must be careful not to be magnetically drawn into taking a side. Premature assessment or assignment of blame/responsibility creates a gulf between the pastor and divorcing members as well as those supporting each mate.

Dr. Mansell Pattison has noted, "The pastor's job is not to determine who is the culprit. . . . Rather, he should help each to see their own contribution to the problem and responsibility for its resolution."¹

Don't allow the parties to put words into your mouth. Initial separate sessions might help you gain an overall picture. As pastor you are an authority figure for many members and you must guard your influence.

4. The pastor will carefully assess any participation in the litigation.

Occasionally, attempts are made to involve the pastor in a custody battle, particularly when moral questions are involved. Suppose the ex is living with a woman, and the mother refuses to let the children go on the scheduled weekends. A court may or may not agree with that decision. What do you counsel?

Some may want to enlist you as a character witness or to reveal details reported to you in counseling. Courts sometimes discriminate between information gained in confessional counseling and that gained in other settings.

An ex may be making unrealistic financial or emotional demands on the other. (Some mates believe that the ex should "pay" for freedom or indiscretions.) Some ex'es collect the money but pay an enormous emotional penalty: ulcers, colitis, severe headaches, fatigue.

5. The pastor respects confidentiality. The situation may nourish small talk or congregational gossip. Some members will seek your commentary. If you choose to remain silent, they may seek to deduce your opinions, particularly in those cases where things "don't add up." You may have at your disposal information to complete the puzzle. Do you "share" what you know?

Pastors create close friendship within the body—with those they trust. But what if that person breaks the confidence? How could you explain that to the offended? How would you repair your relationship with that counselee?

In addition, can you be absolutely certain of the accuracy of your information? What you say as a pastor on any controversial issue will be quoted and requoted. By the time your comments make the circuit, they may differ consider ably from the original. The hurt may be further inflamed. Tragically, the violation of confidentiality may preempt another couple's invitation to help them in their crisis.

In the trying moments of separation and divorce, the pastor must be Christlike in his relations with the wounded, the injured, the alienated—and the instigator!

6. The pastor understands the cyclical nature of grief. The pastor must have an acquaintance with the grief system as well as realizing that some problems are influenced by seasonal factors. For many, holidays such as Christmas evoke an annual crisis.

Shared custody during the holidays is painful, particularly when distance is involved and especially during the first year. Financial realities probably reduce the spending habits of previous years. The single parent feels depressed. However, some parents engage in a financial duel to outspend the other or "to make it up" to the children for the tensions. And children may play one parent against the other.

Finances do affect emotions in single-parent families. If the father gets behind in support payments and the bills stack up, to whom does the single mother turn? Some ex'es put strings on their financial contributions, causing added resentment.

Financial burdens or uncertainty affect the spiritual state of the single parent. The church must give spiritual comfort and encouragement and go beyond "I'm sure everything will work out."

7. The pastor acknowledges the presence of unresolved issues. Divorce is not as final as many would believe. One of the major sources of irritation after the divorce is unresolved issues, some of which keep the income rolling into the competing attorney's offices.

Bev, a mother of two, complains that her former husband is prospering with his new family and job, while she struggles to make ends meet. Few divorce settlements include escalator clauses for financial prosperity, and many men pay only what the court requires them to pay.

Bev angrily demands, "How could God let him prosper after all he's done?" Her pastor has grown somewhat weary of trying to explain the grace of God.

The pastor's most challenging task may be to help the wounded person "let go." It is too easy to suggest, "Just give it to the Lord." Suggest "tithing" as an alternative. Ask the counselee, "Would you be willing to give the Lord 10 percent of this problem? Then, if the Lord deals with that 10 percent, would you offer Him another 10 percent, and another, until the problem is gone?"

For some, the enemy uses the struggle to tithe, or contribute financially, to challenge the profession of faith, particularly when a person was able to give more in previous years.

Carol's pastor expects her call during her children's annual two-week visit with their father. Instead of enjoying the time by herself, she frets about what her ex is putting into their minds. "I know he's trying to turn them against me." The father wants his children to have a good time while they're with him, and he is financially overindulgent and lax in discipline.

Ex'es may conflict over values. The types of entertainment the father permits, for example, may offend the mother, or vice versa. In cases with polarization on religious values, one parent may fret because the children don't go to church when the ex has them. When she gets them ready the next week, they protest, "We didn't have to go to church at Daddy's."

This conflict between parents on religious values in strict families upsets sensitive children who may be torn by "honoring mother and/or father." Who is right?

Jane, a 45-year-old mother of three, sulks because another church "lets" her ex (who initiated the divorce) sing in the choir and do solos. In talking with the children, she dismisses the "spirituality" of the church they attend when they visit their father.

Some of these emotional hot spots are firmly entrenched. They have been care fully nurtured into their current status.

They will require time (and occasional prodding) to dissolve. Problems are solved when people face them and assume responsibility. A commitment to work on the problem is a starting point. Dr. Isaac David Rubin says that although some problems will not be solved, we eventually will become reconciled to them. ²

Occasionally the pastor must confront the wounded person and ask, "Are you willing to sacrifice your health and sanity for the luxury of being right?"

8. The pastor supports the children. The welfare of the children must be considered. You help the children by helping the parent.

Single parents have the following primary tasks: (1) income production; (2) home maintenance; (3) child care; and (4) personal growth. These are demanding tasks for two-parent families, and in most cases one-parent families must accomplish the same tasks. That gets tiring, and burnout occurs much easier.

Single parents require spiritual undergirding. You can help the single parent press toward what is ahead (see Phil. 3:13) by letting go of the past.

When the children are members or attenders of the church and the parents are not, the child may be the initiator in counseling—caught in the crossfire, and tired of choosing sides. Remember that a child from a non-Christian background may have to make sense of his homelife through a budding theological/spiritual awareness. The child may turn to you for consolation and support. He may share confidences that cannot be repeated.

9. The pastor is sensitive to the realities of single parenting. There will be times when something you say in conversation or preaching will have abrasive connotations for single parents. The pastor must be sensitive to their feelings.

One pastor discovered that perspective when his wife had to be away for three weeks with her mother, who was quite ill. As a temporary single parent who had to manage the church, the parsonage, and three children, he gained an insight that years of pastoring and counseling had not given him.

Ask yourself, "How would I respond if I suddenly became a single parent?" Consider the child-care or home-maintenance responsibilities you share with a mate or that your mate performs. How would you accept them if they became your permanent responsibility?

When you attempt to raise money, leave room for the widow's mite or the divorcee's dollar. In a building fund or special offering, challenge everyone to give some thing. However, don't use the widow's mite as bait to solicit other contributions. "If this poor divorced woman, Mrs. Jones, can give $25, I believe some people ought to give $100!"

Suppose parents are slow in signing up to send their kids to camp. For parents who have the money and need to be reminded, a pep talk is appropriate. But what about those who want to send their children but cannot afford it? How will they feel during your pep talk?

While there are places of service for the single parents in every local church, we must be sensitive in our time expectations of the single parent. Time to be a Sunday school teacher may be either an overload or an obedient sacrifice.

10. This ministry has high dividends/risks. Ministry with single parents is risky. We must never forget that the passage that deals with divorce (Matt. 19:1-12) is followed by Jesus' interaction with the children (verses 13-15). Is that only coincidental, or does the placement in Scripture speak to us?

Some fine leaders in the evangelical community have come from broken homes. At the time of first contact with the church, some were not as acceptable as they are now. They were hostile, angry, mean, irritating, attention-seeking, and hurt but a church loved them. Often that meant a Sunday school teacher or pastor saw through the facade of boisterous misbehavior to the struggling and developing emotions of the child.

In these cases, the church has stood with the children from the one-parent home in their childhood, through their adolescence, in their college years, and as they established their own homes and professions. The church is richer (not just financially) because of that investment. These Christians dispel some myths about the effect of divorce on children. The church can make a difference.

The pastor may not desire to get involved in the problems of the single parent. However, by the very nature of his calling, his Lord occasionally leads him into the fires of marital tension and hopelessness. The One who calls you enables. As a pastor, you can make a difference!