Adam was a perfect man in a perfect world. He literally walked with God. Nothing stood between them. We can imagine that when Adam rose from the dust from which God had just made him, God was standing there smiling into his face. Perhaps they shook hands. Maybe they clapped each other on the back. But they surely talked and talked—after all, God was a God of words. Yet even in this paradise of beauty, diversity, and challenge, even with this open communion with the Creator, Adam felt a need. Something was lacking.
I'd like to suggest that the God of three Persons—the triune God—knew what it was, for God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone." God made us in His own image. And what is that image? I suggest that it is an image of fellowship, for our understanding of God suggests that the three Persons relate to one another in a deep, intimate, companionable way.
Within a few hours of his creation Adam realized that he needed that kind of relationship, he needed somebody like himself. Of course, it was the beginning of time, and this beautiful new earth was empty. So God gave Adam not only a companion but a wife, and instituted marriage.
In light of this initial pattern, how can I say, "Single is Biblical"? The New Testament seems to throw a different light on the matter. As 1 Corinthians 7 points out, the apostle Paul approved of the single life style and practiced it. He urges us to consider staying single. His instruction sounds a little contradictory to the Genesis record of God's institution of the first marriage. Let's look at the Old Testament briefly and try to resolve this contradiction.
The day that Adam and Eve sinned they did not run out to meet God for their usual evening visit. The Lord had to find them, confront them, and explain the consequences of their sin. Those consequences included pain, separation, and death—a rather gloomy picture. But God tempered this darkness with a ray of light. Some day, He promised, a Child would be born who would deliver them (see Gen. 3:15). This promise was plain enough to Eve that she no doubt looked upon each of her own newborn children and thought, Maybe, maybe this is the One! And throughout the Old Testament the birth of a son was like a match struck in a dark night.
As time passed and the nation of Israel emerged, birth by birth, the family came to have an ultimate significance. Marriage was more than an expression of love between a young man and a young woman. Marriage was the way that you linked arms with your forefathers and moved the human chain forward a few steps toward the future, toward the coming of Messiah. In this context, staying single was heresy; it was regarded as a waste and a tragedy.
Paul, in the New Testament, wrote on the other side of Messiah. Link upon link, generation upon generation, Israel had finally reached that horizon of hope. Messiah was born. The match that would never go out had been struck, and Messiah, Jesus, walked among us. He opened a new era in which marriage is no longer compulsory. As Christians we have freedom to choose. Marriage is a gift of God, but remaining single is an option. It is acceptable in God's sight. You can probably imagine how Jews must have reacted to the idea of permanent singleness. It was radical—an unthinkable idea! And so Paul found it necessary to argue in favor of singleness.
One illustration he uses in 1 Corinthians 7 is circumcision. Paul reminds Christians that circumcision is no longer necessary to prove that you are in the right relationship with God. In the same way he says that marriage does not place you in a better relationship with God. It's your heart that matters. Being a practical man, Paul also goes on to say that staying single does have some advantages. Without family responsibilities you may be more free and flexible to serve God. The work of God's church in the new era is not to populate the earth, but to preach a message. And so Paul tries to establish a favorable climate in the church so that single people can be accepted for themselves. The church, of all places, should be open to and supportive of single adults.
We should not read into Paul's words that marriage and family are out and that singles are in. Nor should we think that Paul says single people are better or holier than married people, as some have interpreted him. But Paul does break the barriers of the past. We are acquainted with Galatians 3:28, where Paul exclaims, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul seems to expand that list. In effect he is saying that in Christ there is neither single nor married. Of course, this does not mean to Paul that we have no ethnic origins, no social, sexual, or marital distinctions. Rather, these distinctions among us are not to be the source of bias or discrimination.
In summary, the Old Testament gives prominence to marriage, children, and sons. And the New Testament provides solid endorsement for singles. Single is Biblical, if you will. It is viable. It is OK. But these things should be brought in contact with the Creation story. For in Creation we learn that because we are made in the image of God, we are made for fellowship.
It interests me that God is not pictured in some type of marriage in the God head. The relationship of the members of the Trinity seems to be much more basic—a mutual, satisfying interaction on a deep, personal level. The Creation story is an endorsement of marriage. But, more deeply, it says that we human beings have a need for fellowship, for personal relationships that have broader grounds than our sexual drives. All of us realize that it is possible to survive without marrying. But infants die without human love. And adults may be warped or depressed if they don't have significant friends. God is complete in three Persons, and I would suggest that we become complete and healthy only when we are in a fellowship of three—ourselves, God, and at least one other human being.
In New Testament times a new kind of family was created that would sometimes transcend sexual relationships or blood ties. This new family is the church. Paul describes the church in 1 Corinthians 12, using the metaphor of the body. Jesus is the head; we are the other body parts. Some parts, like the eyes and the ears, come in pairs. But other parts are single parts—the head, the nose, the heart. Paul calls each part important, no matter what its function. The head should not say, "I can do without the feet." The church would surely be handicapped and incomplete without each of our contributions. So Paul visualized the church as an oasis, a place where our particular gifts are recognized and valued, where we can feel welcome and at home, whether single or married, and where we can find significant, intimate friends. We are truly the children of God, made in the image of fellowship. We need our Creator, but we also need one another.
Paul suggests in 1 Corinthians 7 that some folk have the gift of being single. In our world we tend to discount this idea. We may share the view of a conference president who recently told a single seminarian, "If you're not married by now, there's something wrong with you." We discount singleness partly because we are Protestants. Protestants protest the idea that celibacy is better than marriage, and rightly so. Ever since Martin Luther we've been trying to establish the respectability, the okayness, of marriage, but in doing so we have tended to neglect single people. Marriage has become so important in our thinking that we suppose unmarried people are abnormal.
Protestants have correctly brought back a Biblical concept of marriage. And in the Seventh-day Adventist Church we express support for families through baby dedications, wedding ceremonies, tributes to mothers and fathers, engaged encounters, family-life workshops, marriage-enrichment programs, and other programs for the family. But marriage is not the only life style the Bible endorses. In fact, a large number of people in our congregations are not married. I'm single and I'm aware of singles, but the statistics surprise even me. As many as one third of our adult members are single. One out of every three or four grown persons sitting in your church is likely to be single! And yet some churches use 100 percent of their time and resources for just 65 percent of the members. In the past five or ten years I suppose I've heard five or ten sermons about some aspect of family life, but I'll have to admit that I've heard only two on singles, and I've preached them both myself. I believe, however, that the church has greater openness than ever before to singles.
It is important to recognize that singles are not a homogenous group, just as married people aren't. I hear about good marriages, marriages made in heaven, marriages on the rocks, of newlyweds, of couples with children, of those without, and of couples whose children have left the nest. Single adults can also be differentiated. And their needs vary with their situations. Here is what five types of single people have told me about themselves:
The first group is made up of widows and widowers. Death sometimes dissolves marriage with a swift and cruel blow. Surprisingly enough, the survivors have some things working in their favor to help them cope with being suddenly single. For example, they usually have enjoyed the social approval that comes in our society with being married, and many of them have a strong network of friends. A man on our Andrews faculty, speaking of the support he received when his wife died suddenly, told me, "I realized how precious friends are." A woman told me that when her husband passed away she returned from the hospital to find people standing on the porch waiting to welcome her home, to share her grief, and express their com fort.
The second group, those going through a separation or divorce, often get a different response. Some learn how cold a cold shoulder really is, especially if they are seen as the guilty party. Friends tend to rally around widows and widowers. They tend to vanish from the divorcee like dew before the noonday sun. The divorcee returns to singlehood not only with little support from friends and the church but often with their condemnation. It's difficult for someone to survive the loss of a marriage for which he had high hopes, but it is devastating to be shunned by those whom he or she had believed were friends.
If possible an even more difficult transition lies ahead of the third group—the single parents. The single parent has a double grief: his or her own loss and the grief that the children feel. And in cases of separation or divorce, the single parent must attempt to put behind his own failed relationship and yet try to help the children maintain a successful relationship with that absent parent.
The fourth type of single considers himself or herself as temporarily single. The church probably has the most positive view of these. Their biggest problem is how to date and mate.
And there is an important fifth group—singles who choose not to marry—not now, at least. They come to this present choice out of many circumstances. Some feel that in their present situation, getting married would be the wrong thing to do. A young man among my colleagues at the university sent me a note saying, "Some people don't seem to realize a person can be an adult without being married.. . . They don't know that life can be fulfilling without a spouse. This is not to say I am not planning marriage, it is just that at this time in my life I don't think that it would be best."
Others choose to be single because they take seriously the Seventh-day Adventist Church's strong stand against dating or marrying anyone who doesn't share common religious beliefs—and there aren't enough Adventist partners to go around. And finally, in every generation there are a few singles like Jesus, like Paul, who for the sake of the kingdom commit themselves exclusively to God's work. I wish the church could welcome them and their unique gift.
Now let me conclude as I think Paul might. Let me say something now to singles, to marrieds, and to the church and its institutions at large.
To the singles, I exhort you to value yourself as God does. The shepherd went out not to find a couple, but a single, sheep. Remember that you are an important part of the body of the church. You help to make it complete. Without the heart, the stomach, how could the body live? Let no one despise your singleness. Jesus is a worthy example. The Bible proclaims that marriage and singleness are options. Choose freely.
Be friendly. You cannot live a happy life without human love. Actively search out friends who are kindred spirits. Invite other singles and couples and families to eat with you, to go out with you, to play and pray with you. You must have a support group, people who like you and will share their inmost selves with you.
Also, be aware that although you have friendship motives that are as pure as the driven snow, there will be times when you may be misunderstood. Not all married people are as secure and happy as they appear to be—some will be unable to tolerate the threat that you unknowingly pose. Be kind to them. And have other couples among your friends so that the loss of one will not overwhelm you.
Finally, singles, share your success as singles with others. We must, as singles, learn from one another and help one another.
To the married folk, Thanks to the many of you who have opened your hearts and homes to singles. A widow told me, "I love to be invited to my married friends' homes; and I especially appreciate it when they tell me that I can bring along a friend, and then at a table of couples I am not alone." Personally I've been blessed by many married people who have consciously determined to widen their social circle to include singles. A retired librarian taught me how to play racquetball recently. A lawyer in the city where I used to live is helping me build a grandfather clock. Willingly a couple whose children had left home let me adopt them as my parents. Many a Friday I call to say, "Hey, I'd like to come over this week end," and they never turn me down.
And now to the church and its institutions. To you I say, Continue to support marriage and family life. But realize that you have tended to forget your New Testament roots. Care for all the sheep in your flock. Let your announcements, your prayers, your Sabbath school lesson quarterlies, and your books at least mention singles. It helps us know that you know we exist and that we matter. Provide for singles in your policies. Continue to include them in your family-life programs. Singles will always be sitting in the church's pews. Consider groups and seminars for singles of different ages and personal circumstances. With your encouragement, singles will often lead out in this needed work. Plan a pastoral ministry for singles. It will not only help the singles already in the church but could be a means of outreach.
And finally, I urge the church and its institutions to aid us in recognizing capable singles. We need role models. Singles we can look up to and emulate. Christian singles. Give them public responsibilities. Let single people pray and preach and administer. Give them your blessing, for a small investment in your singles may produce a large return.
