I am encouraged by MINISTRY'S request for an article dealing with sexuality and the pastor. At last it seems our church is able to use language and discuss topics that once seemed almost unblessed. It is good to know that finally we can talk about what God created with carefulness and intent.

I am especially encouraged by the fact that I am to address the ministers—that splendid, mostly male rank who lead God's flock week by week. This appears to be a positive change. Too often in the past, the shepherdesses were charged with taking care of all the matters of marital relationships. These remarkably patient women have been told many times that they must meet the social and sexual needs of their busy husbands, that they must be the sacrificers, that they should be understanding and responsive to avoid being the cause of infidelity.

In speaking to groups of ministers' wives, I have often heard women express both frustration and fulfillment, anxiety and pleasure, at being part of the pastoral team. The challenges of parsonage life are very real, and maintaining a positive sexual experience is a mutual responsi bility that both parties need to consider important.

The current problem

Are marital difficulties a significant problem among ministers? Statistical information is elusive. Lyle Schaller estimates that the divorce rate for ministers has at least quadrupled since 1960. In an article in Christianity Today, Robert J. Stout mentions Schaller's estimate and refers to G. Lloyd Rediger's statement that 37 percent of the clergy his organization works with are considering divorce. * Based on precedent, Rediger estimates that nearly half of these will actually divorce.

Even though these figures suggest that clergy divorce is becoming more common, we cannot assume that sexual problems are always the cause of the schism. But we do know that when wives and husbands have developed a sexual relationship that is both physically satis fying and emotionally bonding, they are usually highly motivated to work out other problems. And here Masters and Johnson's statement that at least one half of married couples are not satisfied with their sexual relationship suggests that we are dealing with a truly epidemic situation of dysfunction that does its share to incite divorce.

Positive developments

Our society has seen several positive developments in relation to sexuality. For example, because of our society's openness, information about sexuality is much more readily available now. We have learned, among other things, that sexual response is not simply a haphazard mixture of emotions, hormones, and muscles. It entails an orderliness, a rhythmicity, a certain predictableness.

This information boom is a boon because a couple's understanding of physiology, response patterns, and expectations enhances their mutual enjoyment of sexuality. Further enhancement can come from awareness of the emotional components that can lift sexuality from the physical level to a plane of total intimacy. More good literature is available now than ever before to help a couple grow in these ways.

In another positive development, much of our society no longer considers men who express their feelings to be soft and weak. Now a man can admit that he likes to be caressed, cradled, stroked, and cuddled. Skin hunger is becoming an acceptable term. We are realizing that the desire to be touched does not disappear at school age—although all too often this is the time when touching between parents and children diminishes.

Other positive developments include a growing health consciousness and the interest churches are showing in education for marriage, including sexual communication. Many church programs regularly include marriage enrichment activities. We need to continue to help our parishioners see such activities not as an admission of a problem, but as a realization that all good things need to grow to remain good. Because ministers and their wives are taking a leading role in these activities, their own marriage relationships are benefiting.

Negative developments

But the news is not all good. We are still having to put to rest many myths that trouble sexual relationships. Remaining ministerial confusion about sexual roles surfaces at times, causing personal and counseling problems. Too often we apply Paul's instruction to avoid defrauding one's spouse sexually (1 Cor. 7:5) only to the woman. We need to understand that lack of tenderness, consideration, and loving preparation for marital sexuality can also defraud one's partner. True sexual union is an act of mutuality, not merely one of personal satisfaction.

Some people feel that the new freedom that allows men and women to work together in offices, shops, and institutions is a negative development. They feel that if women would get back into the homes "where they belong," we would have fewer incidents of infidelity.

This problem is particularly relevant to ministers, who are taught to be empathetic and compassionate listeners. These traits may make the pastor seem irresistible to a parishioner whose spouse exhibits no such graces. The counselor who is experiencing marriage difficulties can be very vulnerable to the "if my spouse only understood me like you do" messages from the counselee. Only a good, stiff dose of intellectual commitment and a rich measure of God's grace can keep a counselor from falling prey to such a temptation.

A minister can buttress his line of defense against temptation by building his relationship with his spouse. If either has any leftover feeling of resentment, withdrawal, or rejection, if they have not made a study (and what wonderful course work this can entail) of treasuring touch and employing warm and loving phrases in daily contact, the result can be trouble in the parsonage. But if their commitment is firm, frequently pro claimed, and invariably lived, then the message given to parishioners is "All is well with us—we've caught a glimpse of God's plan for husband and wife in marriage." Portraying such a message is never accidental. It takes deliberate effort, total dedication, and plenty of time spent together. But isn't that what leaving and cleaving (Gen. 2:24) is all about? Isn't that what everyone wants when he or she enters the marriage experience?

Reenacting courtship

We should share much tenderness, touching, cuddling, snuggling, and caressing that is not intended to be part of a sexual act. We greatly desired these activities when we were courting; have we all too soon relegated them to memory? Why must every touch become sexualized? Women particularly resent this.

And we communicate all too few verbal messages of warmth and desire. Every minister's home should have several books of love poetry husband and wife can read aloud to each other. Start with the Song of Solomon in its entirety, each reading the appropriate parts for the bride or groom—with perhaps a sip of sparkling fruit juice to toast each other at particularly expressive places. (The New King James Version and the New International Version divide the dialogue into parts designated for the bride and the groom.)

God did not mean for sexuality to be only a ho-hum, tension-reducing activity. He designed its sheer enjoyment to draw a man and a woman so close to each other on the emotional and spiritual planes that moments of uncertainty and languor will be overshadowed.

Because of their busy schedules, ministerial couples will have to make sure to protect their intimate time together. Sexual experiences that regularly take the leftover minutes will become routine and lifeless. Couples must plan for and guard opportunities for this bonding experience. They can also add to the joyousness by finding creative ways of initiating, of wooing, and of accepting.

By providing a shared enjoyment, marital sex helps unify a couple. In a way it reenacts the courtship drama. It does not remain static. It is not forever starting over. With communication and rehearsal it continues to grow. I believe that this comprises one of the strongest reasons for lifetime fidelity. Over the years couples become familiar with and treasure the rhythm and cadence of their sexual relationship.

Does this all sound a bit idealistic? I hope so, for I am very much in favor of ideals. Idealism is behavior or thought based on a conception of things as they should be. I believe God wants His ministers to make this part of their lives so joyous, so pure, and so winsome that their spirit of loving might just march right out of the parsonage and infect the parishioners.

"Come, my beloved,

Let us go forth to the field;

Let us lodge in the villages.

Let us get up early to the vineyards;

Let us see if the vine has budded,

Whether the grape blossoms are open,

And the pomegranates are in bloom.

There I will give you my love" (S. of Sol. 7:11, 12, NKJV).