Pastor, I saw Joe helping himself to some money from the offering plate during the worship service. That's stealing, and you ought to do something about it."
"Well, Mary, thank you for telling me about it. Have you talked to Joe?"
"Certainly not; that's your job, not mine."
Whose job is it? Should anything be said to Joe? Maybe he was just making change. When someone comes to you with a problem, what is your usual response? What if it is an allegation of adultery? Do you go and talk with the couple?
How do you handle potential conflict in the church? Paul says, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted" (Gal. 6:1).* Usually we wait before we act, until the problem has spread and polarization is taking place. We then expend enormous amounts of energy solving a major problem that should never have been allowed to grow to such an extent.
The Bible gives a four-step method for dealing with conflict. When someone comes to you with a problem that involves another person, you should immediately ask the accuser if he or she has followed the counsel of Matthew 18:15'17. In most cases the answer is no.
Step 1: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you" (verse 15). We can prevent much conflict right here. However, most of the time we would much rather discuss the problem with anyone except the individual involved. Often a direct approach to the individual reveals that the real problem is just a misunderstanding or lack of communication. People do not always hear what we mean. Always give others the benefit of the doubt.
It is important that you ask if this first and most vital step has been followed. If it hasn't, then insist that it be followed before you become too involved. If the individual says the problem really isn't that important anyway, you have saved yourself some grief. However, if a person is unwilling to take this step and instead informs others of the problem, that person becomes part of the conflict and should be subject to church discipline for actions in violation of a direct command of Scripture.
Step 2: "If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses'" (verses 15, 16). If there is no resolution after a personal visit, then the persons involved need the help of a third party.
It is crucial to choose the right third person. Remember, the purpose of the visit is to clear up a problem, to help someone, or simply to communicate more effectively. If you take along one of your friends who has no special relation ship to the other person, all you do is further intimidate the one you visit. The third party should be one who has the mutual respect of both sides. The purpose of having a third party is to help bridge the gap between the two sides, to help in the listening process, and to filter out some of the emotional roadblocks that have developed.
This step may take some time and involve several meetings. It is amazing how effective having a third party present can be. Since both sides trust this person, they will listen to him when they are not listening to each other.
Step 3: "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church" (verse 17). Only after the first two steps are followed should anyone else be involved. Now it is appropriate to discuss it at an elders' meeting or a church board session. The group must develop comprehensive strategies so that the fellowship of the church is not hurt or destroyed. If you have followed steps 1 and 2, you will find that you do not have to worry so much about step 3. It is because the first two steps are often omitted that church boards have to spend so much time debating interpersonal issues.
Step 4: "If he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector" (verse 17). This is the final and most drastic step. If the situation deteriorates to the place where the very life of the church is threatened, and if no more help can be given, then to save the body the person or persons need to be disciplined, maybe even disfellowshipped. No one has a right to keep disrupting the body.
Yes, we do have a duty to deal with the faults of others, but to quote Paul again, we must do it "gently" and watch ourselves, or we might be tempted. We must go with the spirit of Jesus lest we add fuel to the fire. If we will pray for love and learn to love, we will find little need to be in conflict, for true love covers "a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).—J. David Newman.
