There is definitely an art to raising kids in the parsonage—just ask any pastor who is trying to do it! Raising children is hard enough under optimum conditions, but put your family in a fishbowl and surround them with the diverse and unrealistic expectations of an entire congregation, and you're in for some special challenges!
Parenting in the parsonage will never be easy, but it can be successful. I've talked to hundreds of pastors and their children, and here is their advice.
1. Let kids be themselves. Everyone seems to expect PKs to be perfect, talented, intelligent, and friendly. But preachers' kids are, first of all, kids! They go through the same stages that teachers' kids go through—and mechanics' kids, manufacturers' kids, and . . . Just being born to pastors doesn't mean that a halo of rational maturity automatically is be stowed as a birthright.
Larry's folks had just moved to a new parish, and because Larry was an only child, the church members were eager to make him feel welcome. "Larry," the youth activities leader asked, "how about leading out in the song service next week?"
Larry groaned. He couldn't carry a tune.
"Larry, we need someone to tell a story at children's church. Can we count on you? Or would you rather have the prayer?" someone else asked.
Larry's reaction to each of these requests was "No thanks—that's not for me." Getting up in front of others just wasn't his thing.
What Larry wanted most of all was simply to melt into the background. He wanted to be just like all the other kids.
He would find his place of service eventually, but he hated it when everyone assumed he would be musical, a story teller, or a prayer person just because his dad was.
And he resented his "pushy" parents even more—even though they didn't mean to be pushy at all. They just wanted to encourage Larry to participate in as many activities as possible. "Larry, why don't you say yes? What will the people think if you don't cooperate? It would do you good to get up in front once in a while. How will you ever know if you can lead music or tell stories if you never even try?" Their pleas went on and on. Mom and Dad were just trying to be helpful, but it made Larry feel as if he would be accepted only if he did what they wanted him to do, and that made him angry and resistant—and it nearly ruined relationships within the family.
2. Praise them. Let them know they are special. Every child has special needs, skills, talents, and abilities. Let your kids know that you appreciate them.
A pastor's wife, who was a preacher's kid herself, once said: "My dad believed that I'd be conceited if he praised me. He always told me that pride was one of the things the Bible mentions that God hates, and it was too easy for me to get attention because I was the preacher's kid, so he didn't want to contribute to a feeling of pride by praising me. I do not remember my dad ever complimenting me for anything I did. That's probably why I don't have a very good feeling about myself today. Now that I have children, I don't want to make the same mistake, so I make sure that I notice the special things they do and let them know that I approve. Preachers' kids need words of appreciation just like other kids—and maybe even a few more because they are so often the brunt of criticism."
3. Give them space. Living in the parsonage can be like living in a goldfish bowl unless you make a real effort to preserve your family's privacy. One pastor said that the wisest move he ever had made was when he traded homes with the church maintenance man. The maintenance man moved into the parsonage next to the church so he could keep the building and grounds in order, while the pastor and his family moved to the country so they could have a life of their own.
Shelly, the daughter of a pastor, said that every time she left the house on a date, she felt the eyes of the neighbor hood following her. It wasn't that she was embarrassed to be seen with a fellow or that she would be intimidated by what ever stories might be circulated about the hours she kept, but she resented the fact that she couldn't have the privacy other kids did. The saving factor for her was that her father believed in weekly vacations. Once every week the family took a day off, left the parsonage, and went shopping, picnicking, boating, or whatever else the kids wanted to do. Shelly felt the trade-off was worth it—six days in the goldfish bowl for one day of her own.
If you feel you're living in a goldfish bowl, don't add to the problem by telling a story in a sermon that might embarrass someone in your family. Be sure to ask permission before telling anything about the family. And don't be defensive about your children's behavior. When some one criticizes, just smile, and with a twinkle in your eye say, "He's a special kid. What a challenge—and what a delight! Aren't you glad that God is not finished with any of us yet?" The idea is to let the criticizing person know that you are tuned in to your kid and won't stoop to demeaning talk about a family member. We all have faults!
4. Take time to talk to your kids. Pastors and their wives usually spend a great deal of time counseling others. Since so much of their day is spent talking, they sometimes cherish their time at home as a time of solitude—a time for reflection and study. Jake says that he remembers running up to his father's of fice in the attic, bubbling over with some neat piece of information, only to be scolded for interrupting. Yet seconds later his dad answered the phone and could be heard saying to someone else, "Oh, no, you're not interrupting any thing; I was just sitting here reading." Jake said that if there was one thing he wished he could change in his father, it was that his dad would have time for him in the same way he had time for others. Contrast this dad with Abraham Lincoln, who, I understand, gave his son Tad unlimited access to himself during his working hours. He was first of all a father, and second the president.
It's easy for children to feel that they aren't very important to dad if he spends more time with others than with them. And since pastors are known for being gone long hours, it becomes all the more important for them to plan daily time with their kids so they can talk without interruption. One evangelist I know planned bedtimes for his children at halfhour intervals so he could spend 30 min utes with each one individually on nights when he was home.
5. Make your home fit your kids and not the kids fit the parsonage. Too many pastors feel that their home has to be a showcase for visitors, and the kids get crucified anytime they leave a mess in the living room, put fingerprints on the sliding glass door, or run through the house whooping and hollering. It's no fun to grow up in a museum. Homes are to be lived in.
Chris was a collector. He loved rocks and shells, stamps and baseball cards. But his folks never complained about his cluttered shelves his room was his own. If he chose to open it to friends, that was his decision, but his mom never embarrassed him by parading parishioners past his highly valued, yet often disheveled, treasures. He respected his mom and dad for respecting him.
6. Lengthen the apron strings—allow your kids to grow toward independence on their timetable, not yours. One of the most difficult aspects of parenting preachers' kids is to allow them to make their own decisions even though their immature choices might embarrass the pastor. In some homes "father knows best" is more than just an old TV series. It's not wrong for father to know best, but it is wrong for him to make all the decisions. "Dad was so afraid I'd make a bad decision and tarnish the family name that I never had a chance to make any choices until I went away to college," said one PK. "Because my father never trusted me to make decisions, I didn't trust myself, so I tended to lean on others to make decisions for me, and I got into some pretty tough jams because of it. I'm trying to be more deci sive, but I wish I had had an opportunity to practice making decisions during my growing years. Then I could have learned by my mistakes while my folks were still around to rescue me, and decision making wouldn't have been as frightening as it is now."
Training for independence should start early. Good decision-making is a developed skill. It takes practice. Too often Christian parents, particularly parents in church leadership, erroneously feel that they must be restrictive to be conservative. However, Dr. Roger Dudley, a professor of Christian education at Andrews University, has found in his re search that one of the major reasons teenagers give for rejecting religion is that adults are too restrictive. Rather than being allowed to grow toward independence, teens feel they have to rebel to be able to make their own decisions, and rebelling against adult authority too of ten means rebelling against what their parents stand for—the church and a relationship with God.
7. Teach them to be polite though not perfect. Learning how to treat people with respect is one of the most important lessons children can learn. It is especially important for preachers' kids because they are constantly in the presence of others. You can expect children to make innocent mistakes like laughing at a baldhead or telling a fat lady she should be on a diet. They should not be punished for such mistakes. Instead they should be encouraged to treat others as Christ would. Teach your children how to greet strangers, how to shake hands with a firm grip, how to respond to a compliment with a smile and a genuine thank-you, how to give up their chair for an older person, and how to politely ask for something with a "May I, please?" Your children may not be perfect, but if they are polite it will hide a multitude of sins!
8. Never discipline in public. Cory was seated beside her mother—the pastor's wife—in the front pew of the church. Her father was halfway into his sermon when Cory's wiggling and whispering got the best of him. He stopped the sermon, looked at Cory with a stern face, and said, "Cory, I've had enough. Either you be quiet and sit still or I'm going to have to take you out and spank you myself." Cory slid down into her seat and wished she, like Peter Pan, could disappear. She told me that something happened to her that day. Her father had been her idol—her hero—and for him to say that to her in front of the entire congregation was worse than sudden death. Thirty years later she still didn't think she had fully recovered from the humiliation she suffered that day.
The moral is: Never discipline your children in front of an audience. Even an audience of one can cause overwhelming pain. If your children misbehave—and you know they will—wait to discipline them when you are alone. Maybe you'll have to excuse yourself from a committee meeting, maybe you'll have to cut your sermon short, maybe you'll have to ask someone to substitute for you while you talk to your child privately. But whatever you do, don't get impatient and discipline in public.
9. Don't let them take the credit for ruining your reputation; let them ruin their own. Most parents would give anything if they could make sure their children would choose to be saved. But you can't make that choice. Every child must develop his or her own value system and ultimately make his or her own decisions. You should not feel guilty about your children's choices. If you do, you are not being fair to them. Don't blame your self for how your children behave. The longer you continue to blame yourself, the less responsibility they will feel for their behavior. It's too easy for kids to cop out and say, "If you'd only spent more time with me I wouldn't be a drug gie. If you wouldn't have been so strict I wouldn't have had to cheat and lie. If you hadn't spanked me so much I wouldn't be such an angry person." Don't accept those excuses. Chances are that you were the best parent you knew how to be. Sure, you made mistakes; all parents do. But if you are sorry for those errors and ask forgiveness, then it's up to your children either to forgive you and choose not to allow those mistakes to ruin their lives, or to choose to remain bitter and continue to suffer. The sooner you can place upon your children the responsibility for their own behavior, the sooner they will learn to make mature decisions.
10. Never say no because they're preacher's kids if you would say yes if they weren't. Kids are kids. They want to be treated fairly. Too many PKs complain that their folks are always saying, "No, we can't let you do that because your father's a pastor." Millie and her brother begged their folks for a pool table. They had played on one at a relative's house and really enjoyed the game. They had plenty of room in the basement, but their dad said no. He felt that some of the church members might criticize. The kids resented his decision.
The older children become, the more they can understand the importance of example and choose on their own to be like the apostle Paul, who chose not to do things that might lead others astray. But during those growing-up years, having a different set of standards imposed on them just because they happen to be living in the parsonage doesn't seem fair to them. If you're not careful, kids will re sent your negative attitude. One pastor said he and his wife carefully considered questionable behavior and activities, and if they would have said yes to the kids if they had been in a different profession, they said, "Yes, but . . ."to their children. "Yes, you can go if you choose to, but some people may not agree that this is an acceptable activity," Then they would ask their kids whether they thought it was worth taking the chance. Many times the children themselves chose a more suitable alternative, but if not, the children weren't made to feel guilty.
It's not easy to live with God's kids in a parsonage. But you can be a successful pastor and a successful parent at the same time. You may not be perfect, but God says to love one another, to not provoke your children to wrath, and to do good when it's in your power to do so (John 15:12; Eph. 6:4; and Prov. 3:27). May God bless you as you minister to those special children living with you in the parsonage.
