Whose shoes? On trading places

Do laypersons understand what it is like to walk in our shoes? For more than two decades in the minis try I have sensed frustration in myself and my fellow ministers. Some express it this way: "People do not understand what I am going through. If they only knew what it was like. Just once I would like for some of them to have to put up with what I put up with every week." We do not want sympathy. But we could benefit from empathy.

For the most part, our people see only the tip of the iceberg of our ministry and our life. On a couple of occasions I have attempted to help laypersons come to a deeper understanding of what it means to be in ministry. In small groups I have used a little exercise I call "You Be the Pastor." Using some real and some made up situations as the basis, I challenge the group: "Now, you are the pastor in this situation. What are you going to do?" After much discussion, most groups respond, "We didn't really know what it was like. Now we know a bit better."

Once, in a church filled with professionals and middle-management people, I made an offer to spend a day with anyone who wanted me to understand more fully what their job involved. Growing up in a parsonage, never working much in the secular world, I confessed I needed to know what it was like in the market place in order to preach to the needs of people more effectively. For a day I drove around town with a salesman. For a couple of evenings I rode with an FBI agent. But no one ever said to me, "Turnabout is fair play. We want to spend a day with you so that we might know what it is like to be a minister."

We all need to be understood, supported, and appreciated. In a word, pastors need pastors too.

One of the best stories I have ever heard has been attributed to Norman Cousins, longtime editor of the Saturday Review. A famous nuclear physicist was persuaded to deliver a series of speeches across the country after World War II. Being a rather modest man, he was uncomfortable standing before large audiences. In spite of his reluctance, his speech was excellent. He varied it little each time it was given, so before long he became bored with both the speech and the routine of giving it. A chauffeur drove him from place to place in a limousine, and he and the chauffeur became good friends. Eventually the boredom became so burdensome that the physicist suggested to the chauffeur that they trade places one night. He realized that few people knew what he looked like, so to break the monotony they would exchange clothes and the physicist would drive the car and the chauffeur give the speech. They anticipated no problems, since the driver had heard the speech so often.

Everything went well. The chauffeur delivered the speech exactly as he had heard it. Then something happened on which they had not counted--the hosts suggested that a discussion period follow the speech. An arrogant professor asked the first question, one so elaborate, technical, and pompous that it took nearly five minutes to ask. After a moment of silent thought, the chauffeur said, "I'm very surprised at that question. The answer is so very obvious and simple that I would expect about anybody to know it. Just to show you how easy it is, I'm going to ask my chauffeur over there to answer your question!"

Trading places. Knowing what it is like to fill another's shoes, to be in his place, to feel what he feels. Sometimes circumstances force that change of roles upon us.

Last fall my wife went to Canada for two weeks to visit her sister. That meant my 12-year-old son and I were left on our own. I discovered quite quickly how challenging it can be to work 60 hours a week, to be a homemaker, father, "mother," and tutor. I developed a new appreciation for those in our congregation who have to fulfill all the expectations laid upon them.

In the same way, I yearn for persons within my congregation to know what life is like for me. The church will never fully be the church of Jesus Christ until there is a willingness on the part of lay persons to understand and support the pastor. Nelvin Vos, in his book Seven Days a Week: Faith in Action, encourages that kind of support for the pastor when he writes: "Pastors are human beings and they have real needs. That should be self-evident, but from many pastors and their families one hears of feelings of loneliness and isolation. There is no more urgent ministry than a ministry to church leaders. To encourage and support them, to pray for them, to be in conversation with them if there are differences, to be a listener, to be a sounding board or a critic if the need arises--all these are ways in which laypersons can help their pastors. ... Pastors need more than an occasional comment from us as we shake hands at the end of the service. As individuals and as families, they need friends. They need people who care for them, who serve and love them in the name of Christ."¹

People need to care

Why have we ministers been so hesitant to solicit that support and care, and so reluctant to open ourselves to it? Mutual ministry and care for one another is biblical. Recall what Paul wrote to the Corinthian church: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" (2 Cor. 1:3,4).*

That is another way of saying we should do unto others as God has graciously done for us. There are any number of opportunities for laypersons to minister to those who have ministered to them. It should not be optional for our people to respond to us in that way. Such ministry is at the very heart of what the church is all about.

In The Tender Shepherd, by John Killinger, there is a chapter titled "Turning Sheep Into Shepherds." Killinger believes we ought to "turn every new Christian into a pastor. ... It is necessary therefore for the real pastor to be always working at the task of turning sheep into shepherds." ² That is something of what it means for us to reverse roles and trade places: Comforting and supporting others with the comfort and support with which we ourselves have been comforted, as Paul put it.

I am convinced that not only are many ministers in great need of empathetic support from the laity, but also that the laity are hungry to show it and give it. How can we see that it happens in our congregations?

First, let us be honest with our people. We may complain that the common attitude is that we are paid not to have problems, to constantly "put on a happy face," but we may be guilty of giving subtle consent to that false image and expectation. How often do we honestly and openly "let our hair down" with our people?

We should not play "poor me" when we are misunderstood and unappreciated for the good we do. But neither should we continue to keep all our frustrations and problems to ourselves. After all, how would we feel if our people were that dishonest with us? Would we want to be denied the opportunity to minister to the real needs of people simply because they chose not to share them with us?

In one congregation I served I used the personal laments of Jeremiah as a basis for what I called "A Conversation With God." I allowed my people to overhear my prayer/conversation with God--much as we are permitted to listen in on Jeremiah's laments. The people listened intently as I quoted and then paraphrased such passages as:

"Thy words were found, and I ate them,

and thy words became to me a joy

and the delight of my heart;

for I am called by thy name,

O Lord, God of hosts.

I did not sit in the company of merrymakers,

nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because thy hand was upon me,

for thou hadst filled me with indignation.

Why is my pain unceasing,

my wound incurable,

refusing to be healed?" (Jer. 15:16- 18).

I spoke openly of the loneliness of the ministry, the disappointments in the ministry. The people responded in beautiful, sensitive ways! We began to be more honest with one another. Their support was given and received.

Let them care

Second, when we allow and encourage our laypersons to address our need for care, we are giving them the opportunity to use their God-given gifts for shepherding. We are not the only ones within the congregation called to shepherd the sheep. Each Christian is given that responsibility. Many congregations have elaborate programs for shepherding among the membership; those programs should exclude neither the pastor nor the laity. It is beneficial for the laity to have the opportunity to fulfill their ministry too. In Proverbs we read, "One man gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. A liberal man will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered" (Prov. 11:24, 25).

Some experiences of the Christian faith and life can never be ours until we begin to use our gifts and share with others our compassionate concern. To paraphrase a line from a famous song: "People who know they are needed by people are the luckiest people in the world!" We grow as we attend to the needs of others. We ought not deny our people the chance to grow and share their gifts.

Third, along with mutual care-giving, we need to cultivate partnership in ministry. We need to know that we can count on one another in a spirit of inter dependence. Again Paul has the right word for us: "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, thankful for your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now" (Phil. 1:3-5).

Is our ministry within the church a partnership? We speak frequently of the need for our laity to develop a sense of ownership of the church. We aim to break down the stereotypes of the laity as clients or consumers and the clergy as proprietors or owners.

Too often the church is as impersonal as a supermarket. We care little about what the girl at the checkout is going through in her personal life, only that she is quick and efficient in taking care of us.

It should be completely different in the church. Our laity are not shoppers. The church belongs to them, too. When a congregation realizes this and accepts ownership, they begin to understand what it means for us to be "members one of another" (Rom. 12:5).

Too many ministers fall into the trap of trying to carry all the responsibility in their congregations. They do not permit their laity to have the opportunity to share in ministry. At times I have chosen to speak the truth in love with my people and to list those tasks that can best be done by committed laymen and laywomen. I have found the people as ready, willing, and able to accept those tasks as I am open to turning them over to them.

A minister friend of mine once preached a sermon he advertised in advance as "I Am Leaving the Ministry." Needless to say, the attendance that week was well beyond the average! People came to hear his announcement of a career change. But what they heard, instead, was his opening statement: "I have decided to leave the ministry ... up to you!" He went on to explain that it was his intention for them to assume more responsibility for what was going to be accomplished in and through that congregation. In time a partnership in ministry developed.

Original caring

Fourth, sometimes care-giving and mutual ministry must be organized and programmed. It does not always come naturally. Many congregations have pastor-parish relations committees to provide support and feedback to the pas tor. In many congregations their work needs to be expanded. One committee cannot do all the ministering to the minister. I remember when we were sent to a new appointment some years back. Within the first couple of weeks there, another minister in the district called me up and invited me to lunch. I was flattered by his interest. I labeled him as a very caring person because he took the time to help me adjust. I discovered later that even though he was the kind who would have probably done that on his own, he had invited me out at the request of the district superintendent. It was a regular practice in that district.

There is nothing wrong with programming gestures of support. We do it for new members in our congregation, calling the support persons faith partners and entrusting them with the responsibility of involving newcomers in personal and meaningful ways. Why shouldn't we do the same for pastoral and professional staff? How wonderful it would be to have three or four key laypersons who have been given the specific task of providing support and understanding, a listening ear, or sometimes just a pat on the back for those called to be shepherds but who also are sheep.

Years ago my minister-father told me about a man who went to visit a doctor in Italy. He said, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. I am so depressed. I feel all alone. I don't feel like there is anyone to whom I can turn for help. What can I do?" The doctor re plied, "Well, I think I have just the right remedy for you. The circus is in town, and Grimaldi, the world-famous clown, is performing. He is widely known for his ability to cheer anyone and to make all who watch him feel better, regardless of what ails them. Why don't you go see Grimaldi? I know you'll feel better." The dejected man protested, "But doctor, I am 'Grimaldi!"

Where does the pastor find a pastor? Can we trade places with our laity from time to time so that we can turn to them for help? I think we can. And for their sakes and ours, we must.