Hello, Anne. This is Marjorie Biggs.* Can Harry do a wed ding in 10 days?" "Marge, I can ask him. He likes to have several counseling sessions with the couple, but the decision is his. Can I have him call you when he gets home from his hospital calls?"
"Yes, get him to telephone me. Tell him Kathy and Tim want to get married a week from Saturday, on March 22. She's making me a granny in September."
While I assured Marge that Harry would call her back, I dreaded telling him. Kathy was one of our most active youth members. Tim, active in another denomination, was also a fine Christian young person. Their situation was being handled as many teen pregnancies are—the family made arrangements for marriage quickly, and didn't consider any other course of action.
Marge's request would put Harry on the spot too. He would have to conduct his routine premarital counseling sessions hurriedly or forgo them entirely. He faced a dilemma—should he perform a wedding that might not be right for the couple, or should he insist on delaying the wedding while the couple (and family) obtained counseling? Unfortunately, none of the parties involved sought anything except a wedding ceremony.
When pregnancy happens to a Christian teenage couple, special stress is brought on all involved: the couple themselves, their families, and the minister. In the family it triggers strong and conflicting emotions, and demands decisions from everyone involved. Because of the false impression that marriage some how rights the situation, the pressure is on for a hasty wedding. However a pastor handles the situation, there is the potential of much heartache afterward.
In addition, a teenage pregnancy is of ten a turning point. At this time some teens drop out of church either temporarily or forever. Pregnancy and a quick marriage disturbs the couple's niche in the congregation. They don't quite fit into either the adult activities or the youth programs. Some church members aren't as understanding or forgiving as they could be, and there might be an unspoken prejudice against the teen newlyweds. Parents of other teens often aren't comfortable when the couple associates with their youngsters, and this alienates the parents-to-be even further.
If it is handled well, a pregnancy can draw teenagers closer to the church, the Lord, and each other; but it can also do just the opposite. It poses the potential for continuing guilt, lifelong regret, and alienation from the congregation.
Seek available resources
What can you, as a pastor, do to make the best of it when the pregnancy of a Christian teenager results in a request for a shotgun wedding? You can best handle such a situation when you have prepared for it before facing it. Find out what the rate of teen pregnancy in your area is. Learn what aid is available to families and teens facing this problem. When the family knows that their pastor has access to practical help, they are more likely to call him for counsel before they make decisions that have lifelong consequences. Families tend to be emotionally upset at the news of teen pregnancies anyway, and under the duress of the moment may well handle the situation in a manner they will later regret. If you can spare them this additional grief, they will appreciate it.
Educate your church leaders as to the scope of the problem, and let them know you have literature and telephone numbers available should a teen pregnancy occur within a church family. Often an other church leader learns of the pregnancy before you do, and thus is in a position to steer the family to you or an other source of support and counseling quickly.
If there is a teen pregnancy support system in your area, invite a speaker to tell your congregation about it. Such a speaker can raise the issue in a nonthreatening way, and can start your congregation thinking of ways to handle this problem. Then should one occur, it is more likely to be handled constructively.
Take your normal policy on conducting weddings into account when you get a request to marry a teen couple because of pregnancy. Counsel them not to rush into the wedding. In the meantime, get the couple to consider other options. Make sure they know you will support them in whatever decisions they make.
Spend as much time with the couple as you can; try to determine whether they would have married at this time if the pregnancy had not happened. Ask, "If you should miscarry tomorrow, would you still get married?" Inquire about their plans. Teens tend to look at the immediate crisis instead of the future, and these two questions can show them they do need to consider the future, too.
Ask how they intend to relate to the church after they are married. Assure them that you want and need them in the church, but if you sense that either party feels he or she may not fit into either the youth or young adult groups, be sensitive to this and suggest an alternative. Smaller churches don't often have a strong young-adult group, which leaves the teen couple in a dilemma. You might suggest that they attend another church with more to offer, at least temporarily. This takes unselfishness, but your option may be seeing the couple fade out of Christian fellowship altogether. As long as you don't give the impression you are dismissing them, they will appreciate your honest concern for their spiritual welfare. People's needs are more important than your church attendance records, anyway.
During your initial sessions with the couple, watch for signs of unresolved guilt. If you sense this, inquire whether they have asked God for forgiveness. If they haven't, guide them into doing this. If they already have and still struggle with guilt, assure them as to their forgiveness.
Should the couple exhibit no signs of remorse, ask them what moral standards they will maintain in marriage. They have violated God's standards by indulging in what rightfully should have been reserved for the conjugal relationship, and they need to recognize that a continuing disregard for the standards of morality will most likely put a severe strain on their marriage. Point out that marital fidelity is a choice, and the wedding is a vow to choose faithfulness.
Help them to examine the resources they have available for establishing a household. Show them a realistic bud get, and let them decide what standard of living their present means will provide. If the couple will reside with one family or the other, ask what plans they have for getting out on their own and how soon they plan to do so. Point out the pitfalls of an extended time in a parental house hold when they will be neither self-supporting nor independent.
Let the couple tell you what reactions they have seen (or sensed) in their families, and what support they expect from parents. Many teenage pregnancies bring a sense of failure to the couple, and they may, rightly or wrongly, feel their parents are ashamed of them or have rejected them, or that a wedge has been driven into the family that can't be removed.
At this point you might schedule a session with the couple and either or both sets of parents. Before this session, see the parents privately. Have them air their re actions to the pregnancy. Sometimes in an effort to support their children, parents suppress their true feelings. They may be holding on to reproach, anger, or other emotions that need resolution. If this is the case, the couple can usually sense it. An honest discussion with all parties involved clears the air, opens the door to forgiveness and restoration, and promotes better relationships.
Often parents assume a large share of guilt or become overly defensive of the couple. Watch for this. Assure the parents that they are not to blame, and help them resolve whatever guilt they may be experiencing. Guide them into a realistic assessment of how much and what kind of help they can offer the couple.
Be alert for signs that the parents may be making decisions for the couple. Impress upon them that it is the couple who will have to live most closely with the aftermath of those decisions. If the parents push a solution the young people don't want, they are setting themselves up for blame, resentment, or excessive demands from the couple in the future.
Alternatives to marriage
Suppose that, after counseling, the couple decides marriage isn't right. Dis cuss with them the advantages and draw backs of the alternatives of surrendering the baby for adoption or single parenting. Whatever their decision, if you can, steer them to an agency that can provide support and further counseling.
If the couple chooses not to marry, they must determine what their future relation ship will be. At this point, the Christian couple's values and witness before others is on the line. Are they willing to share equal responsibility to maintain sexual purity in the future, avoiding situations in which temptation beckons? Should they end their relationship altogether?
A friend who pastors in another denomination says, "Since few teens understand the difficulty of resisting sexual temptation, I suggest regular meetings with a respected Christian adult to dis cuss their spiritual needs and their relationship, and to have prayer. If the couple will voluntarily agree to be honest with this person regarding their relation ship (including sexual temptation), they are more likely to resist intimacy."
After the pregnancy has become known, to provide the couple with further support and to tie them to the church, go to a few of your key church leaders who know them and suggest they visit the couple and their parents. The family and couple frequently need to have affirmed that they are still loved, respected, and needed in the congregation. Have these leaders express support and offer any help they can. Comfort offered by other church members in addition to the pastors can make a difference in how the parties view the church later.
The pregnancies of Christian teenagers and the resulting requests for shotgun weddings are unfortunate, and few pas tors enjoy dealing with them. The pastor who can act as a resource person and who is willing to go the extra mile to help those involved is a good shepherd. Such a pastor sows seeds of love, gratitude, and esteem. The pastor's care often makes the difference as to whether the parties involved drop out of church or stay in it. A pastor has no better opportunity to show Christian love and concern than when this situation arises.
* The names of the parishioners involved have been changed.
