Sue was devastated —and there was nothing she could do about it.
Her minister husband had offended some of the parishioners. Now she was torn between her feelings of love and loyalty toward Jim and her realization that in this situation he probably had not acted wisely.
Some of the church members had come to her, pleading that she use her influence to change his attitude. But when she approached Jim, he became angry and withdrew.
With Jim's refusal to reconsider, the members' unhappiness intensified. And Jim remained so distant that it seemed as if the Grand Canyon lay between them. The weight of the problem and the feeling that she had failed the members, Jim, and herself darkened Sue's usually cheerful outlook.
Days dragged by. Jim met further at tempts to discuss the matter with resistance and distrust. She could only tell the members who questioned her, "I'm sorry, he's the pastor and there's nothing I can do."
Sue's anxiety was deepened by the realization that the crucial decisions that only Jim could make would affect her entire life as well. She felt paralyzed by fear for the future and overwhelmed by the painful situation in the church. Her prayers seemed to go unanswered, and even the children seemed affected by the tensions that crackled in their home.
Depression set in.
Sue and Jim had married with the expectation of serving God together. He would take the leading role, and she would support him, be his lover, confidante, and prayer partner.
As the years passed, Sue discovered that sometimes it was easier for her not to know some of the things Jim knew. Sometimes she wished he hadn't told her—she worried more than he did, it seemed.
As the children and her part-time job occupied Sue more, Jim did share less about the people and situations in which he was involved. Not because he cared less or because Sue cared less—there was just less time to share.
Now, unexpectedly, this crisis had burst upon them.
To whom could she turn for help? She feared that talking with other ministers or their spouses in the conference might result in her husband's actions being held against him, jeopardizing his future.
Realizing her helplessness and the developing depression, Sue finally sought help. With Jim's consent, she made some telephone calls, set up an appointment, and took a weekend trip to see a counselor in another state.
Like water from a faucet her feelings gushed out: love and concern for Jim, her anger toward him, the rift between them, her spiritual emptiness, the stress she felt because she could not "safely" discuss the situation with anyone. What relief expressing it all to a caring Christian counselor brought!
Gently the counselor helped Sue recognize that she had been taking on herself the responsibility of "making everything come out all right." It was the failure to succeed in this self-imposed task that had overwhelmed her.
"Jim is a human being," the counselor said, "and like other people, he makes mistakes. But you are not responsible for his mistakes. He will have to accept the consequences of his actions."
The counselor encouraged Sue to love Jim as Jesus Christ loved her—unconditionally. She could accept him as he was. She could leave the repair of his relationships with others up to him and to God. After all, the relationship Jim and Sue shared outweighed any other earthly relationship.
"But what can I say when people criticize Jim?" Sue asked. "Sometimes I know they are right, yet I don't want to agree and thus tear down his ministry."
Again the counselor pointed out that Sue did not have to take upon herself responsibility for Jim's actions. She could smile and say, "You really need to discuss this with Jim, not with me." While continuing to be friendly with their church members, she could en courage them to address their concerns directly to Jim.
Sue returned home with fresh courage. She felt new freedom in her love for Jim. And it didn't take long for him to notice the difference. Jim and Sue began to communicate again. They prayed together about the church situation. And although they had to move to another district, the stress of the move did not disrupt their relationship—their love for each other had grown stronger.
"I'm still learning when not to carry the load of responsibility," Sue says. "God's love is unconditional. He loves me regardless of how I may act—He distinguishes between the person and the behavior. That's my goal in our marriage and in all my relationships."
