My first experience of the moral frailty of men in the ministry came early. I had opted to spend a year interning before graduation. The year was a profitable one. The evangelist, an indefatigable worker with a profound knowledge of Scripture, became both my mentor and model. He also had a daughter with a pretty face and good figure. One day the minister left the two of us alone to work on some evangelistic advertising. We talked and teased and flirted, and presently I surrendered to an impulsive urge to kiss the young lady firmly and full on the lips.
In retrospect I realize that I must have been very ignorant about women and their sexuality. My lessons began that day. Readers must understand, however, as I am sure they do, that there is a big difference between reality and the impression of reality. The passage of years also distorts the picture. I write about images and impressions as they remain with me after the passing of nearly 40 years. I have stated this, for I mean no discourtesy to the lady involved, whose husband will probably read this article and remind her of the incident. She will no doubt protest that her set of memories is quite different from mine.
As I remember, therefore, the young lady responded with excited eyes and quickened breath and in turn came to kiss me. Two biologically stirred youth alone in a shed is a situation hardly compatible with evangelism. Vaguely I knew I was in trouble, and as she drew near I raised the marking pen I had in my hand and marked her face.
That was mean, and as my son said when he first read these lines, "Dad, there are other ways of doing it!" But the situation was such that possibly the pen saved me for the ministry! I felt terribly guilty afterward. The flush of excitement that had surged through me must have been lust. How could I ever go into the ministry if I was that sort of guy? I asked myself. Then, what I call the Adam and Eve syndrome came to my rescue. It was, I told myself, the evangelist's fault for leaving us alone. Strange how persistent a syndrome is. It remains a strong strain in Homo sapiens even after some 6,000 years, especially in the area of morals.
I have since learned that a better way to explain my behavior would have been to simply recognize that when any two people of opposite sex work closely together, sexual feelings will almost inevitably be aroused. "When two people work very closely together ... as a minister does with his parishioner, or a doctor with his patient, feelings of camaraderie and warmth almost inevitably arise between them. . . . When the two people are of opposite sex and not too disparate in background, these warm feelings will almost always assume a sexual cast." 1 The very nature of the ministry is such that men find themselves working closely with women. The pastor should, therefore, be prepared to deal with sexual attraction. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.
The problem of dealing with ministerial morals is an age-old one. Pope Gregory ordained that if a priest committed a sin against purity he should do penance for 10 years. For the first three months he should sleep on the ground, remain in solitude, have no intercourse with any person, and should be deprived of Communion. He should then fast every day for a year and a half on bread and water, and for the remainder of the 10 years he should continue to fast on bread and water only on three days in the week. 2
If I read history correctly, there must have been heavy demand for bread and water in some centuries of the church's history, but at least the miscreants had a chance to redeem their ministry. Many denominations today make no provision whatever for reinstating a minister who has committed such a sin. While this rule is probably wise, one's heart bleeds for some.
There is a popular fallacy that every moral fall must be preceded by a long flirtation with evil, or secret lust, or that acute marital unhappiness is the predisposing cause. These may be possible causes, but I have come to believe they are the exception rather than the rule.
No one is immune to the sins of the flesh. We all share in the common frail ties that lie at the root of transgression. It is how we handle these frailties that makes the difference. "When our inborn sexual responses, and the interpersonal stimuli evoking them, are consciously and guiltlessly recognized, the total responses can much more easily be kept within socially appropriate bounds." 3 To be aware of them is to enable us to handle them.
Causes of immorality
Mid-life crisis is an important element whose role in setting up a minister to be receptive to temptation needs to be understood. Most men change as they approach middle age. These changes are part and parcel of normal development. Edmund Hallberg calls this time of life the "metapause" and states that it is "so subtle and private that the victim, his family, fellow golfers, and occasional girlfriends sometimes don't even recognize it. Loneliness is often with us." 4
Hallberg goes on to list a number of signals that give evidence of the meta pause: There is growing dissatisfaction with our work. We no longer come up with the new ideas. We fall asleep in the easy chair. "We have longer hair, which no longer covers the bald spot . . . the weight continues to increase. This is all part of "the gray itch." 5
With personality growth and change, restlessness and discontent sometimes become more intense. A process of self-questioning that affects a man's view, not only of himself, but also of those about him, takes place, and an increased sense of loneliness often sparks sexual fantasies. A man's marriage and family are brought into question, and life begins to take on a different meaning. If a minister is aware of what this period of life can do to men, it will not only enable him to minister more adequately to others, but also alert him to possible pitfalls in his own life and ministry.
Even a close spiritual relationship can present dangers. Roman Catholic father Sertorius Caputa observed: "The devil endeavors first to infuse a love for the virtue of the individual, and thus inspire a security that there is no danger; he then excites sentiments of affection for the person, and afterward tempts to sin; and thus he causes great havoc." 6 Saint Thomas says much the same: "Although carnal affection is dangerous to all, it is yet more so for those that associate with persons that seem to be spiritual; for, even though the beginning is pure, yet frequently familiarity is very dangerous; and the more the familiarity increases, the more the first motive is weakened, and thus purity is defiled. The devil knows well how to conceal danger. In the beginning he sends, not poisoned darts, but only those that inflict slight wounds, and kindle an affection; but in a short time the persons begin to act toward each other not like angels, as in the beginning, but like beings clothed with flesh. The looks are not immodest, but they are frequent and reciprocal; their words appear to be spiritual but are too affection ate. Each begins frequently to desire the company of the other." 7
Pastoral visitation and spiritual counseling frequently evoke deep feelings. Pastors become emotionally tied to those to whom they minister. Deep friendships are formed, and it is not always easy to discern when spiritual boundaries end and sexual attraction begins. There is often a broad "no-man's-land" that separates the two. One pastor told me of his experience.
John ministered to two churches some miles apart. On the highway between the churches was county road 34, which led to a summer resort area. Jim, a busy executive, and his wife, Joan, slim and pretty and mother of two, spent the summer there with their children. Pastor John had a close tie with the family. Bible studies had led to baptism and a warm friendship. John was single and lonely at the time, and it was a pleasure when traveling between his two churches to turn down county road 34 and visit. At first he didn't realize that Jim's long working hours were getting to Joan. But soon the visits began to satisfy mutual desire. Slowly the innocent farewell embraces became a little more lingering.
One day when John arrived, Joan was alone in the house and dressed more for swimming and sunning than visiting. As John greeted her, for perhaps two long seconds their eyes met and there was a "Joseph and Potiphar's wife" situation, except that John was not quite ready to leave his cloak and run. When Joan excused herself to "put on something more modest" John was conscious of the fact that his mind followed her to the bedroom.
The incident alerted John to his danger, and he did two things. He deliberately planned a visit to the home when Jim was present, and during the visit he paid special attention to Jim. He also told a relative about the physical attraction that was obviously mutual and that he was going to have to be careful. Verbalizing the situation spotlighted the potential sinfulness of it and made it easier to deal with. Fortunately Joan realized the problem as well, and without having to deal with it openly the two of them brought their relationship under control.
It was not always easy for John to drive past county road 34. But friendships were retained and ministerial standards were upheld. "It could easily have been different," John told me. "It showed me that, given the right occasion and chemistry, it would be very easy indeed to transgress." Whenever a pastor becomes aware that pastoral visits are dictated more by his own emotional drives than pastoral duty, he must recognize that he is on a dangerous road. Long intimate telephone conversations, mutual looks, desire for each other's company, are danger signals. If there is added to this the real or imagined impression that the parishioner is sexually available, the, danger is heightened and food is provided for fantasies that can intrude themselves into the mind even in sacred moments. Fantasies readily become more intrusive when women are allowed to discuss their sexual problems with the pastor. It is a safe rule that a minister should never permit this. Such intimacies have a be witching power.
"The heart is corrupted through the imagination. The mind takes pleasure in contemplating scenes which awaken the lower and baser passions." 9 I can still recall Kodacolor images from a conversation with a woman who in speaking of her marital problems gave a graphic description of her sexual difficulties. "The spiritual eyesight becomes blurred, and persons of hitherto untainted morals become confused." 10 Too easily the silken cords of sin multiply until they are almost impossible to break.
Charles Rassieur recounts the confession of one pastor who had allowed those silken cords to bind him: "When I would decide to be a faithful pastor and cut this thing off, I would go for a week or 10 days and not see her. I would feel very bad.
Either I would call her up and say, I want to talk to you, or she would stop in the office and say something that would tell me or I would be telling her that we needed to relate. And this kept going on." 11
The pastor's moral defenses
What are the pastor's moral defenses? First of all, marital happiness and openness are a tremendous source of strength. Fortunate is the pastor who has a supportive and understanding wife. On the other hand, a critical and demanding wife can drive a man to sin. I visited one home and listened as the injured wife bewailed the fact that not only had her husband been unfaithful, but she could not understand why he had fallen for such a "dumb, low-class woman." To me the answer was obvious. His wife was a perfectionist. In subtle ways she had made her minister husband constantly feel inadequate and unable to measure up to her demands. When he found someone who accepted him as he was and treated him like a king, he naturally chose to be treated like a king.
Second, the minister must be absolutely honest with himself. Candidly face up to the very beginning of an attraction. This is not always easy. Self-deception is a common failing. We seldom like to call sin by its right name. We must also be aware of the subconscious spirit of pride and self-righteousness that says, "Does this woman really think she could tempt me? I'm going to try her out a bit." This is an open invitation to temptation, and pride goes before a fall. If the pastor is absolutely honest with himself, he will recognize the first appearance of physical attraction and deal with it promptly. Such honesty takes the grace of God and a recognition of one's frailty. Saint Bernard wrote: "To be familiar with a woman and to preserve chastity require greater virtue than to raise a dead man to life." 12 Paul's warning that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood" (Eph. 6:12, NASB) is also very pertinent here. We have an enemy to deal with.
Third, recognize the danger signals. Mutual looks. The desire to be in her company. Making excuses for unnecessary pastoral visits. The exchange of intimate details of one's life. All should be red flag signals. Persistent fantasies about a parishioner should call clamorously at the conscience. If they begin to occupy the mind, the best way to deal with them is to talk about them with your wife or someone else whom you can trust. Verbalizing them brings them out of the realm of illusion into reality where they can be dealt with. Fantasies, like porno graphic pictures, are painted in psychedelic colors that have no substance. In the glare of reality they are revealed in all their shabbiness and sin.
Fourth, maintain a high standard of the ministry. At one time I worked in a very British country and took to wearing a clerical collar. The dress was an open sesame for hospital visitation where visitation hours were more strictly regulated than in North America. Occasionally, when trains were uncrowded, the kindly conductor would say, "Come with me, Reverend, I think I can find you a more comfort able compartment." Sometimes the more comfortable compartment was first class, even though I had a second class ticket. In other words, the clergy, as "men of the cloth," were respected. But the collar did something more. Whenever I saw myself reflected in a mirror or window I was re minded of the fact that I was a "man of the cloth" and as such I had a standard of deportment to uphold. Whatever I did would reflect on the ministry.
Whether we wear a clerical collar or not, this is still true. Each one of us holds a measure of the reputation of our fellow ministers in our hands. A high regard for our calling is a barrier against sin.
Related to this is the necessity of strong moral -and theological convictions. We are bombarded with sensuality and permissiveness today. To counteract the tide, we need to reaffirm our standards constantly. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" needs to be an ever-present admonition not only to our congregations but to our own souls.
Finally, the very best defense is flight. Run away. Francis of Assisi wrote: "I know what I ought to do, but I know not what I would do were I to remain in the occasion of sin." 13 Solomon spoke from experience when he wrote: "Remove your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your honor to others, and your years to the cruel one" (Prov. 5:8, 9, NKJV).
1 Nathaniel S. Lehrman, M.D., "The Normality
of Sexual Feelings in Pastoral Counseling,"
Pastoral Psychology, June 1960, p. 49.
2 Quoted by Alphonsus de Liguori in Rev. E.
Grimm, ed., Dignity and Duties of the Priest or, Selva
(a collection of material for ecclesiastical retreats)
(Brooklyn, N.Y.: Redemptorist Fathers, 1927),
pp. 108, 109.
3 Lehrman, p. 51.
4 Edmund C. Hallberg, The Gray Itch: The Male
Metapause Syndrome (New York: Stein and Day,
1978), p. 12.
5 Ibid., p. 5.
6 Alphonsus de Liguori, p. 255.
7 Ibid.
8 The names have been changed.
9 Ellen White, The Adventist Home (Hagerstown,
Md.: Review and Herald Pub. Assn., 1980),
p. 408.
10 Ibid., p. 330. I have taken some liberties with
the context of these two quotations, but both the
wording and warning are pertinent.
11 Charles L. Rassieur, The Problem Clergymen
Don't Talk About (Philadelphia: Westminister
Press, 1976), p. 28.
12 Alphonsus de Liguori, p. 253.
13 Ibid., p. 250.
