The minister as a husband

My topic, "The Minister as a Husband," could well be generalized to "The Minister as a Spouse." I have decided to develop the more limited subject for two reasons: the vast majority of Adventist pastors (and seminary students) at the present time are male, and the biblical source material for the two subjects appears to be somewhat different although the general principles involved are similar. Before proceeding to address a masculine audience, however, I would like to personally affirm the validity of a call to the ministry for females and express my hope that in the near future the number of women serving in the pastoral work of the church will make necessary a related topic addressed to their special needs.

At the outset I must confess that I have found very little Scripture that deals directly with.the minister as a husband. We are told that the overseer or bishop or elder must be "the husband of but one wife" (1 Tim. 3:2; Titus 1:6, NIV), but we are told nothing about how he should relate to that wife. On the other hand, there is considerable scriptural material on what it means to be a Christian husband. Since clergy are not seen as a special group in the New Testament, I will therefore draw from counsel addressed to believers in general and attempt to make specific applications to the minister's situation.

The most comprehensive New Testament counsel is found in Ephesians 5:25- 33. Drawing on the Creation story, Paul presents what might be called a rationale for husband behavior. Several themes may be identified, each of which is amplified in other Bible passages.

Faithfulness and loyalty

"Be united to" or "be joined unto" (verse 31, NIV, KJV) describes Christian marriage. One of the meanings of the word united or joined is "be faithfully devoted to." The prophet Malachi counseled, "Do not break faith with the wife of your youth" (Mal. 2:15, NIV).

This is the starting place—the bedrock upon which the whole marital structure is built. While this may seem so self-evident as to be unnecessary to mention, the sad history of our church reveals that many ministers have not mastered this fundamental lesson. Let us recognize that the pastor is particularly vulnerable to the temptations of unfaithfulness and disloyalty. He is placed in the public spotlight with much attention focused on what may seem to be his more "glamorous" tasks. He represents all that is right and good. In his counseling and pastoral ministry, he comes across as warm, understanding, and caring. It is easy for female parishioners to see in him all the virtues that they may find lacking in their own husbands. Because the pas tor and his wife share the grind of daily life together, there will inevitably be some friction. At times like these the minister may feel misunderstood at home and bask in the adulation he receives in public. Unless he is anchored by a living experience with Jesus Christ and a firm commitment and loyalty to the woman he has married, he may start looking to his congregation for the satisfaction of his personal needs. If this happens, disaster lies just around the corner.

When I was an intern in my first year out of college, my senior pastor took it upon himself to offer me some counsel. "Roger, always remember," he said, "that no other woman has anything that your wife doesn't have." Looking back on more than 30 years of married life together, I have come to see that this constituted some of the best advice I ever received. The wise man told us the same: "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?" (Prov. 5:18-20, NIV).

Respect for individuality

The passage in Ephesians is infused with a deep sense of respect for the wife as a person of great worth. She is an individ ual to be cherished not merely another means of enhancing the pastor's minis try, like a set of theological books or a piece of multimedia equipment. Her need to find personal fulfillment and achieve career goals is just as important as his. "Husbands, ... be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers" (!Peter3:7, NIV).

Note that husband and wife are partners. I like that word. The wife does not play second fiddle to the virtuoso. She is not a courtier serving her husband, the sovereign. She is a partner! They are equal and yet not equal, for she is the "weaker" partner. Her physical strength is not as great, and her emotional life is more fragile. Thus the need for respect and consideration. It is the pastor husband's glory to be able to treat her with the same self-sacrificing love that Christ manifests for His church. He will care enough to provide not only for her physical protection and material well-being, but also for the emotional support that will foster her sense of inner security and personal worth.

Still, husband and wife are equal in all the fundamentals that define their personhood. Both are equally made in the image of God (Gen. 1:27). Both are equally called by the gospel (see Gal. 3:28). The pastor must not attempt to be conscience for his wife or seek to control her spiritual life. He dare not dictate the forms of religious expression that she should use. She has a direct pipeline to God and need not go through her husband. While he may minister as her pas tor, he is never to be her priest. He ought to encourage her own spiritual integrity.

Pastors operate under great pressure at times. There is the challenge of goals and the weight of souls not to mention the obduracy of the saints. With nerves frayed the pastor may find himself snap ping at the one he loves most his wife. But our Ephesians passage calls upon husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Think of His divine patience under provocation. The minister who lets Christ live within will be tender and gentle even in dealing with those matters about which there is disagreement. "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them" (Col. 3:19, NIV).

Intimacy

As important as are the traits mentioned above, we now come to something even more fundamental. The Christian pastor might well employ some or all of those characteristics in relating to other people in his life space. But our Ephesians passage describes a very special relation ship that can exist only between a husband and wife. Let us call it intimacy.

In Ephesians 5:31 we are reminded that a man will leave his father and mother and "be united" (NIV) or "be joined" (KJV) to his wife. Paul uses the same Greek word in Romans 12:9, where he admonishes Christians to "cleave to that which is good." The idea comes from Genesis 2:24, the account of the first wedding service.

Elsewhere in the Old Testament the He brew word is used in phrases such as "I have stuck unto thy testimonies" (Ps. 119:31), "cleave unto the Lord your God" (Joshua 23:8), "the leprosy... of Naaman shall cleave unto thee" (2 Kings 5:27), and "as the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man" (Jer. 13:11).

All of these portray something of the closeness of the relationship that God intends husbands and wives to have. The culmination comes in the statement that "the two will become one flesh" (Eph. 5:31, NIV). While this phrase is often taken to refer to the sexual aspect of marriage, it implies much more. It refers to a oneness of the mind and the spirit. Hus bands and wives are to be able to share with each other on the deepest levels, exposing their innermost thoughts and feelings. They should be able to share their hopes and fears, their joys and sorrows, their aspirations and discouragements, their loves and hates. I can expect my mate to understand me in a way that no one else but God can. I can let her know me in a way that I would not dare let anyone else. Only my spouse can enter into my deepest self.

It is this intimacy of mind and spirit that lends meaning to the physical intimacy of marriage. God in His great wisdom sought for some way to symbolize and to celebrate the blending of two lives in the closest companionship possible between human beings. The almost unbelievably perfect answer was the sexual act. Here two individuals could truly merge into one with tenderness and caring. It was the Creator's wedding gift to the father and mother of our race.

There is an ancient Greek myth to the effect that the earth was once populated by beings who were complete in them selves and deemed themselves perfect. In their pride they rebelled against the gods, whereupon the irate Zeus split each of them in half, scattering the halves over the earth. Ever since, the myth has it, each half has been searching for its other half. This yearning for completion and fulfillment through finding one's "other self illustrates, the type of relationship symbolized by the intimate marriage.

Husband and wife are to be closer to each other than to anything else in the world. Pastor, that relationship is to take precedence over your career, over your studies, over your hobbies, over the conference goals, over your side interests, over everything.

Husband and wife are also to be closer to each other than to anyone else in the world. You need to be closer to your wife than to your church members, parents, friends, fellow ministers even closer than to your children. Only God should be closer to you than your wife is.

At the risk of my sounding like a hope less romantic, permit me to share what one expositor drew from Genesis 2:24: "Husband and wife should be like two candles burning together, which make the house more lightsome; or like two fragrant flowers bound up in one nosegay, that augment its sweetness; or like two well-tuned instruments, which sounding together, make the more melodious music. Husband and wife what are they but as two springs meeting, and so joining their streams that they make but one current?"¹

Priority

If Scripture does indeed support the ideas about husband-wife relationships that I have shared, then it follows that another theme must be heard that of priority. Each owes the other a very high priority on his or her life schedule. And this is often very difficult for ministers to arrange or sometimes even to under stand. At this point I offer a confession.

As a young college student studying for the ministry, I was strongly impressed with the sacredness and importance of my calling. My teachers related stories of sacrifice and devotion in the cause and urged us to give of ourselves unselfishly for the finishing of God's work. Nothing could equal in importance the salvation of lost men and women. I emerged with high ideals and a lofty concept of minis try. But somehow I failed to balance this zeal with the importance of family. And so in the early years of my ministry, I operated by the principle that "the work" must always come first.

I loved my dear wife very much, but I expected her to understand that as a minister's wife she must make sacrifices. What's more, she should make them willingly and cheerfully. I might have to be gone days at a time. I might be out most evenings. When I was home, I would have to be studying and couldn't be disturbed. Even on Sundays I studied or visited.

My wife felt terribly lonely and neglected. What, is worse, she suffered guilt feelings for this. Wasn't she supposed to make these sacrifices for "the Lord's work" cheerfully? Maybe her loneliness and unhappiness meant that she wasn't really consecrated. I'm afraid that I did little to reassure her. I offered only the standard "Do you want me to change jobs?"

The climax came when, as conference youth director, I was working with a three-week series of Voice of Youth tent meetings at a location about 150 miles from home. One morning I received an urgent phone call. Peggy had become ill and had been taken to the hospital. They were about to do some tests. But we had a meeting scheduled for that evening. "If you need me, I'll come now," I offered. In her fear and uncertainty, she needed me desperately, but good Christian girl that she was she knew the appropriate answer. "No, I'll be all right. You stay for the meeting. I know that's important. But pray for me."

Of course, she was hoping against hope that I would come anyway. But I didn't. I accepted at face value the words I wanted to hear and ignored the heart cry that I was too insensitive to hear. I did drive home late that night and visited her in the hospital the next day. But then it was back to the tent. She was in the hospital for a week, during which time I made another visit or two to her, always sandwiching them in between the "really important work."

It wasn't until later on, with meetings over and Peggy back home, that she found a way to tell me about her real feelings. As I let the import of her mes sage sink in, I began to realize for the first time what a terrible thing I had done and just how far I had drifted from an under standing of what matters most. I knew that I had to make some changes in my life. I don't have space to tell you all that I did, but I decided that my wife would be my first priority, and that I would block out significant quality time for her. We later got involved in marriage enrichment and learned how to use that time well. It transformed both our marriage and my ministry.

Lonely, disillusioned wives

This personal recital might be unnecessary if I were the only guilty one. But a survey of 157 ministers' wives through out North America, conducted by the Institute of Church Ministry, revealed many lonely, disillusioned wives. When these first ladies of the parish were asked how they saw their husbands' priorities, the average rating was: (1) church work, (2) time with God, (3) his health, (4) wife, and (5) children. Nearly two thirds of the wives reported that their husbands spent fewer than two hours per day—including mealtimes—with the family.²

Frankly, many wives are angry about having to compete with the church for a place in their husbands' affections. One wrote, "Our whole life is centered upon church work. It's hard to say when work ends and family time begins."

A second phase of the survey revealed that 37 percent of the wives felt guilty about taking their husbands' time to meet their own personal needs, 58 per cent worried about the needs of others having priority over the needs of the family, 63 percent worried about their adequacy as pastors' wives, 67 percent experienced loneliness and isolation, and 72 percent worried about having enough family time. ³

In a new book on family ministry, Charles Sell makes a statement that should cause us all to stop and think: "Strengthening the family strengthens the church. If you think of the church as the only unit with a divine right to exist, you could challenge that statement. Or you could also do so by embracing an inflated concept of the church as an institution, the care and maintenance of which requires the sacrifice of family and other human relationships."⁴

If this is true in the homes of the members, how much more true in the home of the minister. Listen to Ellen White: "Nothing can excuse the minister for neglecting the inner circle for the larger circle outside. The spiritual welfare of his family comes first."⁵

With these marvelous thoughts ringing in our ears, I would like to conclude by offering you something special from Adventist Marriage Enrichment. It comes in the form of four prescriptions that, if faithfully followed, guarantee a happy and fulfilling marriage.

1. Pray together daily. Not just family worship with the children, but the two of you alone together, praying for each other and sharing your marriage with God.

2. Learn to communicate on deep levels. Often, talk is superficial or becomes an attempt to persuade the other to your point of view. But you need to share your deeper self. You need to explain your deepest thoughts and emotions to your wife and listen with understanding as she explains herself to you. This communication is not for the purpose of effecting change in your partner, but that you might understand and be understood.

3. Devote sufficient high-quality time to each other. No relationship, divine or human, can flourish without time. This should be time free from your ministerial duties time to work on some project together, to play together, to enjoy nature together, to read aloud to each other. And don't deceive yourself by saying that there is no time for that right now, but sometime in the future things will be different. Life has a tendency to slip away while you rationalize. Live one day at a time.

4. Affirm each other frequently. Your wife needs to be often reassured that you love her. When you recognize her good qualities and tell her specifically what you appreciate about her, you raise her sense of self-worth and help her to feel more positive about her role as pastor's wife. She needs to know that, next to God, she has first place in her husband's life.

The minister, therefore, does not regard his wife as a useful appendage someone to keep house, cook the meals, and keep the kids out of his hair. She is his second self a true partner in their shared life and ministry.