When your piece doesn't seem to fit

What can a pastor's wife do when the church rejects her?

Karen Holford, MA, is associate director of Children’s Ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in south England.

The jigsaw puzzle lay half-finished on the dining room table. Piles of pieces surrounded the growing picture. The blue ones were in a pile waiting for someone to undertake the laborious task of constructing the sky. An other pile would become a tree. As the pieces were sorted and fitted together, one piece seemed left out. It was turned this way and that, and pushed into places where it obviously didn't fit. Eventually, after much frustration, it was abandoned, left to one side in the hope that it would find its niche by the time the puzzle was completed.

Susan and Phil moved into a new church district. After being spread thinly amongst three congregations, now they had just one church on which to concentrate all their efforts. They found a beautiful home in a lovely part of the country. It seemed their dreams were all coming true.

Phil settled in quickly. He enjoyed being able to visit most of the members once a week, and there were many exciting new contacts and outreach opportunities.

Things weren't so easy for Susan. A pastor usually has a clear role to fulfill. The pastor's wife may have to work a bit harder to find her place in the picture, and may have to pick her way gingerly between the potential landmines of what the last pastor's wife did or did not do. In each church the picture may be completely different, and her piece of the jigsaw may take some time to fit into place.

As a child, I had extra-wide feet. Everytime I needed new shoes my mother and I would dread the trip into town to find a new pair. Even though we lived in a large city, it seemed there was never more than one pair of shoes in the whole city that would fit me, and we had to hunt it down. We trailed in and out of shops, and up and down the stairs to the children's departments until my feet were probably swollen to an even bigger size! Sales people in each shop would try to cram my feet into shoes that were far too small, or envelope them in ones too large, then try to convince us that they fit just right. It made me feel like one of Cinderella's ugly sisters. Eventually we would find the perfect pair. The relief of finding those shoes was enormous!

It is wonderful to be in a church where you fit in easily. But when putting your foot inside the new church door is like stepping into a shoe three sizes too large or small, you are liable to be unbearably uncomfortable.

It is trying to face criticism after criticism; to be set up in the center of a local church conflict; to feel that the gifts you have to offer are not wanted; to feel pushed into roles that do not match your skills or priorities.

Susan and Phil had a toddler, and soon another baby was on the way. Susan felt that her priorities, at this time in her life, had to be the happiness of her family, and her own health. Many of the women in the church felt otherwise. She was told to find other people to take care of the children so she could be more actively involved in the church. She was told her contributions to the weekly potlucks weren't healthy. Because she had put cheese on the table when a member had dropped by unexpectedly for supper on a busy day, a rumor was spread that she didn't believe in the teachings of Mrs. White. She felt unable to stay through the long meetings that took place in the church on Sabbath afternoons. She felt that she should be out in the countryside with her children, showing them God's handiwork, and giving her children the wonderful Sabbaths she had always en joyed. Parents of the two other small children in the church felt that staying in church from morning until 6:00 p.m. was good for the children because it helped to discipline them.

Susan felt crushed by the weight of all these expectations. The joy she had known on Sabbaths, and her enthusiasm for involvement, began to wane, because someone found fault with almost every thing she did. Then people began to criticize her lack of involvement. It became a blessed relief to have a weekend away from the unending pressures. A group came to her to discuss "her problems." She tactfully tried to explain her situation and how she saw things, but once again she found she was being constantly misunderstood. The committee left her with a bundle of advice, and one re marked that it appeared that Susan's daughter loved Phil more than she loved her mother.

When she had recovered from this, Susan resolved to try harder to please everyone. After a few weeks she and Phil were called to another meeting, and given a 13-page letter detailing their errors, and even accusing them of not being committed Christians.

It becomes difficult to cope when, as a mother, the only "fellowship" you may get is on Sabbath morning, and it is fraught with these kinds of pressures. It is hard to overcome the temptation to fight back. It is hard to bite your lip and not say all the things you would like to. It is hard to continue attending church when you leave more burdened than when you entered; when you cry all the way home in the car, and hope the children aren't being too deeply hurt by the experience.

What do you do if your church feels more like hell than heaven on earth? If you are not the pastor's wife, you move to another church. If you are the pastor's wife, and you only have the one church, it's not so easy. But even if you feel like a jigsaw piece that doesn't seem to fit, there are some things you can do.

1. Make sure you have a strong devotional life. Positive time with God each day can help you through trying times. Whatever other criticisms may be flung in your direction, people cannot accuse you of being unspiritual (if they do, then you and God know that the criticism is invalid). Following a devotional guide is helpful because it focuses your thoughts on something specific. A prayer list and other aids can also help to distract your thoughts and prayers from the heaviness of the problems you face. Dwelling on the problems too heavily in your devotional time can sap your strength and your spirituality. You can expend a lot of energy trying to solve problems that only God can solve. Include those who are hurting you on your list.

2. Start your own fellowship group with people you feel comfortable with spiritually. There may not be anyone in your own church with whom you can do this, but there may be women in nearby churches, or wives of pastors of other denominations, with whom you can meet. If this is impossible, keep in touch with good friends. Regular phone and letter contact, sharing tapes, and sending little surprise gifts, can lighten one another's loads. You can share Bible study insights, choose to study the same passage on the same day, and have a common prayer time.

3. Find a way of serving the larger church. In a negative situation like this it is easy to begin to feel like your local church fills the whole world. It can be good to step back and try and see things in perspective. When you feel like you can't move in your church for fear some body's toes are just waiting to be trodden on, think what you can do to minister to the church at large. Could you write articles for publication? Could you develop a seminar that uses your particular gifts, talents, education, and experience and offer it to other churches in your area? Or if this sounds like too much, maybe there are national organizations you could actively participate in, such as Shepherdess International, or charities that need volunteers. Or perhaps you could "adopt" a missionary family.

4. Try to say at least one nice thing to as many people at church as possible, or at least be sure to smile at them. Show your appreciation of their efforts, and comment on whatever positive things you can. It can be hard to say, "Thank you for your concern," in response to unwanted (and often unwarranted) advice. It takes a lot of self-control to avoid be coming defensive and trying to justify why you do things your way.

5. Try to avoid arguments whenever possible. Sometimes members may try to trap you by opening up a seemingly innocent conversation, only to swing it around to their particular hobbyhorse. You may feel like arguing against their point, but this probably will only.serve to infuriate them. You could remain passive, nodding agreeably, and keeping your personal opinions to yourself. But later you might find out that the member is going around the church saying that "the pastor's wife thinks this way too!" With some people, even tactfully pointing out alternative ways of looking at the situation can upset them. You need the wisdom of serpents, and gentleness of doves! Sometimes all you can do is refer the individual to your husband.

6. Make a list of all the positive comments made to you, and anything else that happens that warms your heart.

Keep it handy, then when all the doubts, discouragements, and negative thoughts crowd into your mind, pick up your list and try to concentrate on all the good things that have happened. Once we be gin to focus on hurts and pain, there is plenty to get us down. Practically all the great men of the Bible found their work with God's people trying at times. Elijah, Moses, and many of the prophets suffered at the hands of the very people they were trying to serve. And we can especially remember Christ and the frustrations He must have had. The people He was sent to serve crucified Him.

I once saw a sign on a pastor's desk that said "God told me I'd work with stubborn people, but He never told me there'd be this many!" I don't know what his parishioners would have thought had they seen that plaque, but no doubt it brought a chuckle to his heart when times got tough!

7. Search your local Christian book store for useful publications. There are some good books and courses available on appropriate Christian assertiveness. Irregular People, by Joyce Landorf (Word Books, Waco, Texas, 1982) has some useful advice, although it is particularly aimed at coping with difficult relatives. Books written specifically for pastors' wives may be helpful, and your conference Shepherdess group may have some titles to recommend or lend.

8. Enjoy your family time. If you are happy in your family, it will help to carry you through many challenges. Make the best use of the times you have together, and aim to create good memories of this time and place. Spend time with your husband. If you are finding church members difficult, he's likely to be encountering similar problems! Support each other, pray together, study together, and find ways you can enjoy ministry together. Keep in mind that "This too will pass!" And that one of the pluses of ministerial life is that you won't have to stay where you are forever!

9. Do what you can to avoid the blues. Try to make your home as attractive as possible. Stenciling, plants, pretty cushions, and attractive pictures cost very little, but can do a lot to brighten a home. Plan social events with friends with whom you can really relax, and who understand the problems you may be facing. Invite friends to come and stay for the weekend, or house swap with another couple for a week. Make your vacations and holiday times special. Take a correspondence course. Try to add something to your skills that will enhance your life, such as dressmaking, flower arranging, or a craft. Take a counseling course, or other courses that can add something to your ministry or professional skills. Take up a new sport. Or what about that diet that you've always promised yourself? Then when you leave this area, you will feel that whatever else has happened, you have improved your self in some practical way.

10. Find someone you can help. Remember that if you are hurting here, there are probably others in the church that are being hurt in the same ways, by the same people. Many may have already left the church or the area. But there probably are a few discouraged ones you could minister to. It may not take long to identify these people. They need a lot of love, and a lot of time, and being their friend can be extremely rewarding. Nurture new Christians coming to the church. They are extremely sensitive to atmospheres and comments made in the church. It can be discouraging for the pastor to work hard to lead someone to Christ, and into the church, only to have them discouraged and driven away by thoughtless church members. So spend time with those who are vulnerable. Love and encourage one another, and help to provide an antidote to the poison of intolerance and inconsiderateness in the church. Concerned Communications has a number of excellent seminars that can help local churches learn how to relate to new members. The "Learning to Love" seminar can be extremely useful, and can help to bring a church together.

Through it all, whatever we are facing, God cares for us and loves us. He suffers too, when He sees His people hurting and discouraging each other. Al though it may seem like a mere platitude, rest assured that there is a purpose in it all. If you make taking time with God a priority, He will help you come out of this experience a stronger and wiser person.

The jigsaw puzzle is still on the table. It is nearly finished. That awkward piece that didn't seem to fit may still be a problem. But before the picture is complete the piece will find the place where it is the perfect fit. Or maybe it belongs to another puzzle after all, and it will be tomorrow that it finds its place.


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Karen Holford, MA, is associate director of Children’s Ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in south England.

October 1990

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