Dear son: I left last Monday with considerable concern and regret that we did not meet.
I write this from two perspectives. First, as a father; second, as a fellow minister. The two perspectives will blend in what I say.
Let me begin by stating the concern, and then seek to engage your mind and attention to the issue.
Your home is in serious danger of be coming a victim of the minister's bug bear. There are grave signs that the frequency of your absence from home is undermining the delicate and precious bonds of family cohesion. Jennifer is clearly feeling the strain, and the children manifest the tensions and anxiety of insecurity.
Please understand that these are not idle words. The reality of the situation surprised and deeply moved me. The family misses your presence. Family bonds are vital but delicate. They must be nurtured in love and devotion. Good, strong, secure families don't just happen because we are Christians. We have to make them happen. Nothing can replace the loving interaction of both parents with the children in every form of filial relationship, including the physical, spiritual, mental, and social. As a minister you know this. The question is Do you practice it? If you do, as I believe you must, then is it adequate?
Remember that if you are to have a sound family life, you will find no adequate alternate to your physical presence in the significant roles of loving husband and father. Your family must experience your leadership in these roles. Like Jacob, the father must lead the young ones gently and tenderly. As the saying goes, they must know that Father is there for them. If Father does not provide this, they will never get it in the proper set ting, and that spells disaster for the developing life.
The opportunity to help shape the lives of Tammi and Justin is fast slipping away. Believe me when I say that such a golden opportunity and privilege lingers briefly and then is gone forever. There is only one chance to truly help shape a life, and that is when it is young. After that, you relate if you can, but you do not shape.
On Sunday morning I was sitting in the garage with Tammi and Justin, and what happened there deeply moved me. The children brought some paper and pencils and said they wanted to write letters. I asked them to whom they intended to write. Both said, "To Daddy." I then asked them what they wanted to say, and they replied, "I hope you come back." Justin then asked me how to spell "Dear Daddy." I told him letter by letter and was surprised to see him write each letter He wrote the message as I spelled the words. I only had to help him space the letters a little. Tammi had no trouble writing hers.
To me there was a serious message in those little letters. You must not miss that message. I have seen too many children ruined by parental disregard of such signs. Don't let it happen in your case. A minister's children are particularly vulnerable because of his routine absenteeism. Therefore, when you are at home,you must give yourself to your children; other wise they will get a doubly negative mes sage: (1) Daddy is seldom with us; (2) when he is with us, he doesn't care, and is no fun.
Such a situation can produce the most unexpected behavior in the children later, and that can be utterly shattering. Soon you will see all the dreams you had for your family vanish before your wondering eyes. The children you thought you loved will drift away and become derelicts without a sense of security and direction. As I write this I am conscious of a few such cases right now in some young ministers' families. Please keep your family where they should be in your love and attention. First God, then family, then one's lifework. That's God's order of priority. On the human plane, life takes preeminence over things, and family life over all other human relationships.
As I indicated on the phone, you can and ought to plan your work programs and itineraries so as to keep a balance. Let your time be spent more in supervisory directorship, with the spadework being done by trained leadership at the lo cal church level. For example, in youth work, Master Guides can be of tremendous help. Trust them and guide them to train and lead others. Don't wear out yourself and your family by assuming the whole burden. A minister who loses his family loses his influence.
Remember, we love you. We want to see the children, Jennifer, and you do well. We want you to succeed in your ministry. Be sober, be vigilant. You owe it to yourself and the family. I will share other things face-to-face. Meanwhile, ease back on the pace, and think, pray, plan, and work with a balance.
God bless,
Dad