Ministry begins at home

The pastor's first work is in his own household.

John W. Fowler is secretary of the Kentucky-Tennessee Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. ''The Pastor and His Family" is a chapter from his recent book Adventist Pastoral Ministry, which was published by the Pacific Press Publishing Association. Used with permission.

The Christian church has historically shown a great deal of interest in the work of the pastor, but it has paid little attention to his relationship with his family.1 Fortunately, today that is rapidly changing. Most of the major denominations now recognize that the pastor's family is crucial to his work with the church.

The Seventh-day Adventist Church is no exception to this development. While few hard statistics are available, there is a growing awareness that serious problems are brewing that demand the attention of the entire church. A good deal of research has been done on the problems of clergy families, resulting in the publication of a growing number of articles in various magazines, including Adventist publications.

In 1984 Charles Bradford, then the president of the North American Division, set up a Pastoral Motivation Committee that conducted an extensive study of pastoral ministry throughout North America to discover the major problems that negatively affect pastoral morale. The report touched on four major areas of concern, one of which was the conflicting demands of a pastor's family and his work. 2

Past Christian views of marriage

The fact that the church has only recently begun to show concern for the problems of the pastor's family is not surprising in view of the direct identification of the pastor's work with that of Christ and the apostles.3 Christ never had a family, and, in fact, He said that anyone who followed Him must be willing to leave his family behind (see Luke 14:26).

We find little reference in the New Testament to the families of the disciples. The record suggests that if they had families, they paid little attention to them. Paul, who is usually held up as a model for pastoral ministry, was probably married at one time but later dis solved the marriage. Perhaps for that reason he emphasized the benefits of ministers being single and wished that all men were as he was. He further counseled those who were not married to remain single (see 1 Cor. 7:7, 27).

For centuries the Christian church viewed marriage and family life in a negative light. Says Robert O. Blood, Jr., in his book The Family: "The Roman Catholic Church did not fully sanctify family life until the end of the sixteenth century. Before that, the church sanctified only what it labeled the 'religious life,' i.e., the life of priests and monastics who escaped the corruptions of the world, and especially the corruptions of family life with its sexual involvements, to live a pure life of celibacy." 4

Blood goes on to point out that the medieval Catholic emphasis on the "superiority of 'religious vocations' left family life ... a mere concession to the weakness of the flesh."5 Only in the modem era did the church at large begin to recognize the sanctity of the family. However, the Roman Catholic Church still views family life negatively for those whose lives are committed to full-time ministry.

Adventists trace their roots back to the Methodist Church, whose view of family life for ministers was quite similar to that of the Roman Catholic Church. John Wesley often identified the work of the pastors with that of the itinerant ministry of Christ and the apostles. As a result, Methodist ministers were urged not to marry. In fact, Wesley himself did not marry until he was 48 years old, and then only after much soul searching and rewriting of his views of ministerial leadership. Even then, he felt that family life must not interfere with his work for the church.

Wesley's biographer records that even though Wesley did marry, he made it very clear that his marriage should in no way affect his ministry. After his marriage he stayed a few days to settle some business, then headed out on an other itinerary. His defense is seen in the following words: "I cannot under stand how a Methodist preacher can answer it to God to preach one sermon or travel one day less in a married than in a single state." 6

Paul as a pastoral model

If we model pastoral ministry today after the apostle Paul, or after pastoral leadership patterns in the Catholic Church, the Methodist Church, or early Adventism, we have little basis for building strong clergy families. That model of ministry requires extensive evangelistic travel and living out of a suitcase, with often a trailer or a motel room serving as the home. This concept of ministry makes heavy demands upon the time and energy of the pastor evangelist, allowing little time to build a meaningful family life or to cultivate lasting friendships, and there is no church family to provide the support the pastor's family needs. Sometimes the itinerant pastor-evangelist works in an indifferent, if not a hostile, environment that lacks the support system needed for a healthy family life.

Paul's ministry would never have been conducive to a satisfying family life. A review of his lifestyle helps us to understand his attitude toward the marriage of itinerant ministers. In the following passage he appears to compare his ministry with that of others, which suggests that his model of ministry was not exclusive to him:

"Are they servants of Christ? ... I more so; in far more labors, in far more imprisonments, beaten times without number, often in danger of death. Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleep less nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. Apart from such external things, there is the daily pressure upon me of concern for all the churches" (2 Cor. 11:23-28, NASB).

We obviously have a serious problem if we take the apostle Paul as a model for pastoral ministry. However, when we recognize that the scriptural model for the pastor is the elder of the New Testament church rather than the itinerant evangelist, the picture changes. Here we can discover scriptural guidance regarding the pastor's family that fits well with a balanced theology of pastoral minis try.

The New Testament elders, also called bishops, had a considerably different role from that of the itinerant evangelist. First of all, they were stationary. While they may have traveled a little as evangelists, their basic ministry was to one congregation. Paul makes very clear in his letter to Timothy that elders were to be married. Many expositors interpret the phrase "the husband of one wife" (1 Tim. 3:2) as strong encouragement for the pastor to have a family.

The Bible suggests not only that he should be married, but that having children is in order, for it says that an elder must rule his family well (see verse 4). In fact, in his theology of family minis try, Paul holds up the pastor's family as a model for the church, particularly in verse 5 (see also 1 Peter 5:3). From this it is evident that a pastor's family should be his first concern. If he fails here, he is likely to fail in other areas of ministry as well.

E. G. White and the pastor's family

While the Seventh-day Adventist church through the years may not have given proper attention to the pastor's family, or recognized its role in his ministry, we cannot attribute that faulty concept to Ellen White. Years before the church officially accepted the apostle Paul as a model of pastoral ministry, Ellen White expressed concepts that, had they been understood, would have corrected church leaders' misconceptions of the work of the pastor and his family. She made it very clear that the pastor's home should be his first field of ministry: ' 'Nothing can excuse the minister for neglecting the inner circle for the larger circle outside. The spiritual welfare of his family comes first." 7

She goes on to point out that the minister's family must preach an effectual sermon to his congregation, 8 and she makes an insightful statement regarding the importance of the home over public ministry: "The world is not so much in need of great minds, as of good men, who are a blessing in their homes." 9

Revealing research

The pastor's family, then, must be his first concern. Unfortunately, that view is still not strongly affirmed by many Adventist Church members, nor is it understood by a great many pastors and their wives. A recent survey revealed that churches hold up a far different set of priorities before their pastors: (1) church work, (2) time with God, (3) health, (4) wife, and last, (5) children. 10

An article on pastoral motivation by Roger Dudley, Des Cummings, Jr., and Greg Clark indicates that pastors' wives are particularly troubled over the church's failure to recognize the importance of the pastor's family. The result is a negative impact on their husbands' ministry. Of the pastors surveyed, 34 percent felt that they might not meet the approval of their superiors in the conference office; 21 percent hoped to be promoted to some other form of minis try; 26 percent were disturbed by the faultfinding and criticism of members toward them; and 58 percent sometimes felt lonely and isolated in the ministry. Another 28 percent sometimes felt they would like to leave the pastoral minis try, and 33 percent had discussed the possibility of a transfer with their wives. 11

Research suggests that the wife is the most neglected member of the pastor's family. Her most basic problems are a sense of guilt, loneliness and isolation, not enough time for the family, concern for finances, a sense of personal inadequacy, criticism by church members, concern about conference approval, and getting along with church members. 12 A similar list of problems is found in the book What's Happening to Clergy Marriages? by David and Vera Mace. They list the concerns of pastors' wives as time alone together with family, confusion regarding their role, friendships outside the church, and privacy. 13 These problems paint a rather disturbing picture of the pastor's wife, who often feels alone and frustrated.

The Maces identify 19 problems in clergy marriages, which they classify in three major categories. First, they say, "clergy couples are almost obsessed with the feeling that they are expected to be superhuman and to provide models for the congregation and the community." 14 Second is a lack of privacy, 15 and third is the time pressure that constantly assails the pastor and his family. 16 Because of the extremely important role of the pastor's family in the life of the church, these problems must be addressed.

The pastor's family a model

The Scriptures indicate that the pas tor's family is central to his ministry and crucial to his success. Family life is important because it explains the meaning and purpose of life. At the very center, and undergirding the very essence of life's meaning and purpose, is one's relationship with God and his fellow man. That is the summation of the commandments. Jesus said that the first great commandment is love for God, and the second is love for our fellowman.

Loving relationships, then, are the object of Christianity. The Christian minister's privilege and responsibility is to proclaim God's love for man and His plan to help his people to love God and their fellowmen. Our love for each other is God's primary means for revealing His love, His power, and His goodness to the world. David and Vera Mace point out: "A married minister can therefore be reasonably expected to provide in his own marriage relationship an image and example of how other people, through their united love for God, can grow in the quality of their love for each other." 17

Conversely, if a minister's marriage fails to demonstrate these warm and tender relationships, if his religion does not work in the closest of all human relationships, how can those he serves be sure that love is real and that such relationships are possible?

Does this mean that there can be no tension or conflict within the pastor's family? No. The challenge of the pas tor's family is to show how love can mitigate those conflicts. The pastor and his family can demonstrate how this deepest of human relationships can bring meaning and purpose to life.

Martin Luther was happily married to Katherina von Bora. However, there were still tensions and conflicts. Luther admitted that family life was demanding, and he talked of marriage as "a school for character." 18 There was conflict over the family budget, stress with the bearing and rearing of children, and the burdens that Mrs. Luther herself had to bear. Martin worked to alleviate those burdens as best he could. On one occasion his neighbors saw him hanging out diapers. When they laughed, Martin exclaimed, "Let them laugh. God and the angels smile in heaven." 19 This is truly an expression of Christian love.

The Mormons obviously believe in the importance of family life as an expression of faith. Says Ben Patterson: ''To be married, procreate, and parent is to be engaged in the activity of God Himself. Mormon bumper stickers that read 'Families are Forever,' are taken as literal truth. The family embodies the purpose and meaning of both this life and the next." 20

The pastor's first priority

We hear criticism of the family and family life these days, particularly by some of the more outspoken feminists and feminist groups. However, even today most people recognize that the family is the basic building block on which our society rests. Says Ellen White: "Society is composed of families, and is what the heads of families make it. Out of the heart are 'the issues of life'; and the heart of the community, of the church, and of the nation is the household. The well-being of society, the success of the church, the prosperity of the nation, depend upon home influences." 21

The condition of society is but a reflection of the condition of its homes. A change in the nation's homes will sooner or later be reflected in a changed society. This is also true of the church. The family is its basic building block, and the condition of the church reflects the condition of its families. Thus, we quickly recognize the importance of the pastor's family. Obviously his first work should be with his own family. That is the very essence of his ministry. If his family is weak, his ministry will be weak. This is why a minister's family is his most important responsibility.

I am sure this is what Paul had in mind when he told Timothy that an elder must have well-disciplined children (see 1 Tim. 3:4, 5). God's original plan was for the home to be the children's first educational experience. They are to be taught both the theory and the philosophy of life, and how to practice those principles in their home life. Thus, "the family . . . [is] the greatest of all educational agencies." 22

If it is true that the home is the means of communicating the essence of Christianity, of bringing meaning and purpose to life, then it follows that a well-ordered family is a powerful evangelistic agency. To quote Ellen White again: ' 'It is no small matter for a family to stand as representatives of Jesus, keeping God's law in an unbelieving community. . . . One well-ordered, well-disciplined family tells more in behalf of Christianity than all the sermons that can be preached. . . . The greatest evidence of the power of Christianity that can be presented to the world is a well-ordered and well-disciplined family." 23

If the pastor is the builder of his church, and if in the building process he neglects the basic building blocks, then the structure of his church is sure to be faulty and the building itself weak. Thus the basis for building a strong church is the pastor's own family.

The place of sexuality

Sexuality is another significant reason that marriage is so important for the pastor. The Scripture says that it is not good for man to live alone (see Gen. 2:18). The biblical model for marriage is two people of the opposite sex joining together as one person. Thus sexuality also has to do with the deepest meaning and purpose of life. William Collins, an associate chaplain of Harding Hospital, has said: "Sexuality has become depersonalized and depersonalizing, a commodity that sells anything from TVs to bar soap. It has become an expression of modern man's desperate attempt to mimic intimacy in a world of increasing isolation and fragmentation." 24

Pastor Collins points out that in spite of "all the sex manuals, surrogate partners, and commercialism, sex still re mains an expression of the whole human personality." 25 This truth grows out of the biblical concept that through marriage man and woman become one flesh (see Eph. 5:31, 32). Sex reveals not only our incompleteness, but also our profound need for the other sex. The woman was created from a piece of Adam's rib. The rib was not replaced; rather, the wound was closed up with flesh (see Gen. 2:21).

The point is that we were created with a part of us missing. We are, in our selves, incomplete. "Sexual love ... is one of the many ways in which we seek to reunite with our 'other half,'" thus integrating male and female characteristics into one total personality.26

Sexuality is also a metaphor of our incompleteness as spiritual beings. In sexuality we find spiritual meaning and purpose only through someone other than ourselves. Sex speaks of our separateness from God and our need to reunite with Him. Marriage is not only an illustration of our separateness from God, but an appeal to reunite with Him. While some religions suppress sexuality for fear it will destroy or distort our awareness of the sacred, just the opposite is true. We need to respond to sexuality within marriage with our whole being in order to better under stand and appreciate the sacred relation ship we are to have with God.

The pastor as a human being is incomplete without union with the opposite sex. This is a powerful argument in favor of the pastor having a family. It also underscores the importance of the pastor placing a high priority on his family as a part of his ministry. An unhappy, unfulfilling marriage will al most certainly hinder his relationship with God and the church. However, the more meaningful his relationship within his family, the more meaningful will be his relationship with God, and the more effectively will he be able to communicate the meaning and purpose of life with all its awe, wonder, and sacredness to his church.

We noted earlier that the medieval Catholic Church emphasized the superiority of religious vocations and left family life as a mere concession to the weakness of the flesh. However, with the beginning of the modern era came a major shift in the attitudes of both Catholics and Protestants. From its former position in front of the porch, the marriage ceremony was brought inside the sanctuary. Robert O. Blood, Jr. points out: "With marriage as a sacrament came new emphases in the relationship. Marriage was idealized in itself, not just as part of a larger family life. The 'marriage' of Christ and His church became the model for husband and wife." 27

While employing organizations and local churches must provide understanding and an adequate support system for clergy families, the key to changing the circumstance of the pastor's family is the pastor's family itself. The greatest problem appears to be the family's poor listening and communication skills. Poor communication is usually at the basis of all relational problems.

Fortunately, it is possible for the members of the pastor's family to learn how to cope with the problems they face, and to find in family life the happiness, the needed meaning and purpose for their life, that they so desire. Good, strong families aren't born. They are made.

Advantages of clergy families

Perhaps we should recognize that clergy families enjoy many advantages that couples in other careers miss. The following list was given by clergy couples themselves:

• Being called of God to serve Him in a special capacity.

• Having a singleness of purpose in our lives.

• Surrounded by the love of Christian friends.

• Living within the circle of God's will.

• Encouragement and support for continuing emotional and spiritual growth.

• Opportunity to work as a team on tasks of eternal significance.

• A strong sense of purpose and mission in life.

• A wonderful opportunity to live the life of grace in the power of the Lord.

• A constant challenge to live up to high ideals.

• Being part of a loving fellowship of believers.

• Satisfaction of helping people in the very best way they can be helped— finding God's love.

• A people-oriented vocation that re ally has the answers. 28

These are surely advantages to be cherished. Every clergy family may not experience all of them, but many of them can be a part of every pastor's family ministry.

Ann and Hal Schroer list the following strengths of clergy marriages: "(1) The events of the day are shared with a common point of reference, (2) the wife is not left out of her husband's world, as in the case of most other professionals, (3) both are often involved together in the same tasks, with the same goals, (4) less 'fragmentation' of life—all the pieces can be 'put together.'" 29

In conclusion, the key to a successful clergy family is unity between husband and wife. David and Vera Mace give the following fine counsel to pastors and their wives: "As a united couple, you will have a secure base. You will not have to expend energy and time in anxious efforts to manipulate each other, in struggling to clear up misunderstandings, in nursing grievances, in keeping up petty deceptions, in struggling with painful and exhausting conflict. It is highly gratifying to reach a point at which, although there will still be differences and disagreements that generate anger and pain, you know how to deal with these situations and clear them up quickly and effectively as they arise. From this secure base you can turn outward to face the world, knowing that you stand together and support each other. Now you are able to fulfill your vocations, to give the service to others to which you have committed your selves." 30

1 Ministry's, policy is to use inclusive language.
But the book from which this article was
excerpted did not. Please excuse the male-oriented
language used here.

2 1984 report of Pastoral Motivation Commit
tee, North American Division of the General
Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

3 A. G. Daniells, The Church and Ministry
(Riversdale, Jamaica: Watchman Press, 1912), p.
26.


4 Robert O. Blood, Jr., The Family (New
York: Macmillan, 1972), p. 106.

5 Ibid.

6 John Telford, The Life of John Wesley (New
York: Hunt and Eaton), p. 254.

7 Ellen G. White, Gospel Workers, p. 204.

8 Ibid.

9 Ibid.

10 Roger Dudley and Carole Luke Kilcher, "A
New View of the Pastor's Wife," Ministry, June
1981, p. 29.

11 Roger L. Dudley, Des Cummings, Jr., and
Greg Clark, "Morale in the Ministry: A Study of
the Pastor as a Person," Ministry, December
1981, p. 6.

12 Ibid., p. 23.

13 David and Vera Mace, What's Happening to
Clergy Marriages? (Nashville: Abingdon Press,
1980), p. 40.

14 Ibid., p. 41.

15 Ibid., p. 42.

16 Ibid.

17 Ibid., pp. 23, 24.

18 Roland H. Bainton, Here I Stand: A Life of
Martin Luther (New York: New American Library,
1950), p. 234.


19 Ibid., p. 235.

20 Ben Patterson, "The Pastor's Family,"
Leadership, Fall Quarter 1981, pp. 43, 44.

21 Ellen G. White, The Adventist Home, p. 15.

22 Ibid., p. 182.

23 Ibid, pp. 31, 32.

24 William Coffins, "Has Sex Lost its Mystery?"
The Harding Report 5, No. 2 (1986): 1.

25 Ibid.

26 Ibid., p. 11.

27 Blood, p. 106.

28 Mace, pp. 118, 119.

29 Ann and Hale Schroer, The Christian Ministry,
July 1971, quoted in Mace, p. 119.

30 Mace, 119, 120.


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John W. Fowler is secretary of the Kentucky-Tennessee Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. ''The Pastor and His Family" is a chapter from his recent book Adventist Pastoral Ministry, which was published by the Pacific Press Publishing Association. Used with permission.

August 1991

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