Crisis pregnancy counseling

What you say can help rebuild her life.

Madeline Pecora Nugent, M.Ed., is a wife, mother, and freelance writer. She has also served as a volunteer crisis pregnancy counselor.

A pregnant woman in crisis needs some one to lean on. You can provide practical help and spiritual direction.

Since the woman is probably going to be frazzled, you had better not be. Put her at ease by asking about her health, her family, and how life has been going. Then learn whether she has confirmed the pregnancy by seeing a doctor. If not, encourage her to. Whether or not she is sure about the pregnancy, begin counseling immediately. You may not get another chance to discuss pregnancy options.

If the woman has come with some one, have that person wait outside the office so you can counsel privately. The woman may have concerns that she is unable to voice in front of anyone else.

Your first counseling session

In opening the session, first ask how many weeks or months she is pregnant. Then find out how she feels about her pregnancy. What concerns might she have? What does she think are her options? How does she see God intervening in her situation?

With the benefit of the above information, ask the woman if you can pray with her. Begin by praising God for treasuring her and the baby as having priceless value. Commit both of them to the Lord, asking His guidance for their lives now and in the future. Intercede for each of the mother's concerns, plus every person by name who has influence over her: family, friends, medical caregivers, other children, employers, teachers, counselors, fellow church members, and others. Pray that all will com passionately support both mother and baby. Close by expressing confidence in God's perfect plan for the woman and her child. Also, affirm her willingness to cooperate with Christ.

As you launch into actual counseling, you may need to correct some misconceptions about God. Help the woman know that He loves her, cares for her, and will forgive any sin. Assure her that whatever the situation, the Lord can resolve it. Remind her that Jesus Him self came into the world through what appeared to be a crisis pregnancy an unmarried teen who eventually gave birth in a stable. God helped Mary and her Baby through trying times, and He is just as eager to guide mothers and babies today through difficult circumstances.

Before you open the session with prayer, have the woman voice her concerns. Now ask her to write them all down, along with the day's date. As these needs are met week by week, she can see the progress of resolution going on.

During this initial counseling session, give the woman something encouraging to take home. This might be a tract, pamphlet, or booklet. Good News Publishers (Westchester, Illinois) offers a colorful and uplifting tract, "Life Be fore Birth." The American Life Lobby (Stafford, Virginia) distributes a booklet that I wrote entitled "You Can Bear Your Baby Despite Your Crisis." One counselor sends women home with a token baby item, such as booties or a bib. This helps them start thinking positively.

Schedule a follow-up session within a few days, then end with prayer. You or someone from the church should call the woman the following day and every day thereafter until the next appointment. This is vital. The woman needs to know she is being remembered and prayed for.

In subsequent sessions, maintain the same format: small talk first, then the woman's concerns, prayer, counsel, and a review of goals and how to achieve them. Always end with another prayer.

Abortion concerns

In counseling a woman who mentions abortion, keep in mind that she probably realizes that her offspring would be destroyed. No woman I ever counseled was eager to kill her baby, yet many opt for abortion anyway, believing it the only way to protect themselves and others. They want life to be simple and comfortable for themselves, for any child they might raise, and for their families.

I suggest the following guidelines in discussing abortion. Tell the woman you identify with her fears about having her baby. Assure her that other options exist besides abortion that would protect her family, finances, lifestyle, career, educational goals, and peace of mind. I discuss all this in my book Having Your Baby When Others Say No. 1

I can testify from my counseling experience that church leaders who endorse a woman's decision for abortion may mean well, but they do her a disservice. To begin with, both scriptural principles and historic Christian practice proscribe abortion (see George Grant's lengthy documentation of this).2 Traditional Christian admonitions against abortion were wise, not simply because they protected the life of the unborn baby and preserved the mother's health from possibly dangerous procedures, but also because they safeguarded the mother's concept of herself.

Abortion appears to restore normalcy and bring relief, but guilt and regret often follow. Ask a woman considering abortion how she would feel on the baby's due date. If she still expresses peace about aborting her baby, it may be that she considers herself incapable of mustering the strength and adaptability necessary to preserve her child's life. Actually, every woman can, through Christ, have the strength to fulfill her pregnancy.

Clergy who validate a woman's choice of abortion inadvertently imply that unborn children haven't much value and that God is powerless or too impersonal to help pregnant women in crisis. This unspoken assumption makes it difficult for a woman to embrace the concept of a loving, powerful, personal God who can solve a crisis and preserve the well-being of those involved.

Instead of endorsing abortion, I suggest you say compassionately: "What you do with your baby is legally your choice. But remember that God has granted life to both you and your baby. He cares about both of you and has the power and mercy to see you through this pregnancy without harming your life or your baby's. He has provided me to help you, along with many others. I believe you will see God's hand move power fully in your life if you entrust this crisis to Him. Because of all this, I can't in good conscience help you get an abortion. But whatever you decide to do, I'll always be here to talk with you, and the church will still love you."

In counseling unmarried pregnant women, don't be reluctant to promote chastity. With nonjudgmental encouragement on your part, a sexually active single woman may choose "secondary virginity" and commit to chastity until marriage. Sixteen-year-old Faila3 was president of her church youth group and a peer counselor to teens. Pregnant after having intercourse once, she chose adoption for her baby and returned to her church youth group to become a strong advocate of chastity.

Meeting her needs

Women in pregnancy crisis suffer much anxiety. They fear rejection, financial difficulty, embarrassment, changes in lifestyle, abuse, and pressure from others. They also worry what will happen after pregnancy, whether it would involve motherhood at home, foster care, or arranging adoption.

Take note of the woman's fears and weaknesses, along with her character strengths. Many are nervous and ineffective, lacking in self-confidence, but others are courageous and determined. Some are self-centered and obstinate, while others are merciful and cooperative. Focus on strengths in meeting their needs.

I think of Stacie, who obviously showed compassion. She had originally wanted an abortion, but then began to weep when asked how she would feel on her baby's birth date. Her heart won out, and she gave birth. Afterward her boy friend married her. Velma was nervous because her husband worried about financially supporting their child. After he received psychological counseling, both he and Velma began looking for ward to the birth. Yolanda, with her strong personality, preferred a career in business over motherhood. So she and her husband placed their two newborns for adoption.

The adoption option

Adoption is always an option, even for married women. How the woman views children and her own situation will determine whether she chooses to keep her baby. It has become possible to arrange an adoption in which the adoptive family and birth mother maintain contact. This way the birth mother does not feel that she has forever severed association with her baby. Jean Warren Lindsay's book is a good resource on such adoptions.4

Ask the woman how others will react to her pregnancy. Will anyone reject her, abuse her, or pressure her to abort? Is her career, education, or church leadership position in danger because of the pregnancy? If a woman has no support for her pregnancy, she should conceal it while you help her come to terms with this. When she has a plan, both she and you should meet with those significant others in her life to reveal her pregnancy. Discuss beforehand with the woman how to run this meeting. What reason will she give the others for meeting with you? Who will break the news? What reaction does she foresee, and how will you deal with them? Are you prepared to do on-the- spot marriage or family counseling? Will you have follow-up sessions?

Be prepared to help the woman for as long as it takes her to feel confident with the pregnancy. For some, like Ellen, who was pregnant unexpectedly with number four, one meeting will be enough. Other women will need you for several months. Jo, a college student whose boyfriend deserted her and who was ashamed to tell her parents of her pregnancy, needed counseling until her baby was several months old.

Your goal is to offer guidance and spiritual encouragement, always with the goal of helping the woman develop her own inner resources for dealing with crisis. Eventually you must wean her from dependence on you.

Especially difficult circumstances

If the woman is pregnant as a result of sexual assault, she needs support, love, counsel, and acceptance to prepare her for giving birth, while healing her deep emotional wounds. Unmarried Shannie carried through with her pregnancy, giving birth to a biracial child. Other women such as Opal, who was raped at a high school party, prefer adoption.

If a very young girl conies to you, don't assume she became sexually active by her own choice. A sexually active girl very likely experienced sexual assault in her past, which broke down her normal inhibitions. Through several sessions you can provide in-depth counseling to heal the wounds, instill self-esteem, and provide sexual guidelines. Girls pregnant from incest often try to cover it up. Glenda, for example, re ported that she was raped while baby sitting; in reality, the guilty party was her father. If you suspect incest, try to draw out the truth with calm, gentle questioning. Family counseling is needed and possibly removal of the girl to a foster home. Be alert to any legal requirements your government may have for reporting incest.

Counseling assistance

Women and girls in crisis pregnancy often need professional help beyond what you can offer. Keep on file a list of community help agencies and government services, along with spiritual re sources such as mothers' support or women's prayer groups. In the United States, to locate local resource agencies, call Alternatives to Abortion International (614/239-WHEF or 614/444-4441), Bethany Christian Services (800/ BETHANY), or Birthright International (800/848-LOVE).

Crisis pregnancy centers offer tremendous help to a woman and her baby. Since frantic people often cannot think clearly or act decisively, you may have to arrange the initial contact. As the crisis begins to resolve, the woman can and should assume more responsibility in dealing with these agencies.

Getting help for yourself

Beyond arranging help for your counselee, you need assistance for your self in carrying on this ministry. Beware that a woman in crisis does not become dependent and see you as her savior. If you are a male reaching out in compassion, she may become emotionally bonded to you. Guard your own emotions. The person best equipped to sup port a pregnant woman in crisis is a mature, spiritual woman, preferably a mother, who has a generous, down-to-earth nature and a sense of humor. Pregnant women can safely entrust their emotions to such a friend.

1 Madeline PecoraNugent, Having Your Baby
When Others Say No (Garden City Park, N.Y.:
Avery Publishers Group, 1991).

2 George Grant, Grand Illusions (Brentwood,
Tenn.: Wolgemuth and Hyatt Publishers, 1988),
pp. 190, 191.

3 Examples are true, but names have been
changed.

4 Jeanne Warren Lindsay, Open Adoption: A
Caring Option (BuenaPark, Calif.: Morning Glory
Press, 1987).


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Madeline Pecora Nugent, M.Ed., is a wife, mother, and freelance writer. She has also served as a volunteer crisis pregnancy counselor.

March 1993

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