The affair

The affair I did not want to face or talk about.

Richard Stenbakken, Ed.D., is the director of Adventist Chaplaincy Ministries, Silver Spring, Maryland.

It all started so innocently. Here I was, doing God's work. I was happy. I wasn't looking for an affair. But it happens to pastors, and the results can be devastating.

I saw a real need. My pastor's heart responded to her needs. My efforts on her behalf were met with warmth, under standing, and acceptance. I felt needed. I saw in her eyes sparks of excitement for my godly attention, and it felt good. It was innocent and well meaning, not in tended to foster an affair.

It was good to be appreciated. The bottom line was that she made me feel important. No, I did not want to be unfaithful to my wife. True, our marriage wasn't as exciting as it had been earlier. My wife and I got involved in different interests and activities. Our time schedules were so full that we hardly saw each other, and when we did we were both so tired that it was just flat no excitement.

But with her it was different--electric, powerful, energizing.

Then there were the kids. My own kids were doing well in school, with two loving parents providing for all their needs. Her kids? Little support, massive needs, lots of hurting. They needed me more than my own kids. After all, my kids have my wife, even when I'm not there.

Slowly the "friend" became a mistress. There were the extra hours of counseling that couldn't wait. There were more and more "evening appointments" that took me away from home. I could sense my wife's anxiety and puzzlement, but I kept spending more time with "her." My spouse kept quiet about what was going on, but I could detect a smoldering resentment that drove us even further apart, and made my contacts with "her" even more desirable to me. It was easy to rationalize that if my wife were more attuned to my needs, I might spend more time at home.

Soon I noticed a subtle shift in my own attitude. At home I was husband and dad. That's fine, I guess. But with her I was a hero! She appreciated everything I did, and looked at me with loving, longing, unquestioning eyes. I enjoyed spending time with her. She fed my ego and I craved more of her delicacies.

One day she called me and gave an open invitation: "I know it may be hard to get away, but I want you for a whole weekend. It's a little place up in the mountains, and honestly, I need you. No one else will do. Please say yes!" Her voice was plaintive and sincere. Heady stuff this. When did my spouse last make such a clear invitation and show that same eagerness to have me with her?

I knew I should have said no, but there was a part of me that needed the recognition. Part of me wanted to be wanted. Besides, the Bible says we are to comfort the widow, the lonely, the needy, the hurting. My own family is well cared for. They don't need that much of my attention. And here's one who craves my presence, can't get along without me.

I said yes. Not once, but again, and again, and again. I was hooked into a full blown affair. I loved my mistress, and she returned that love to me.

My family was not cut off. Just there. We had no animosity at home, just less and less involvement. My wife and I went from being lovers to being roommates.

My mistress and I had lots of exciting experiences together: picnics at the beach; long evenings of discussion; talk of the future for both of us. We even prayed together. In fact, we prayed together lots. That is one of the things that made the affair seem so right, so positive, so acceptable. Our intimacies increased to the point where I felt responsible for her every need, and she called on me for every major decision. Our lives seemed to blend together in a warm bond of loving trust and mutual joy.

Then a cold splash of reality hit me like a bucket of ice water. She's not my bride, and never will be. She informed me that she belongs to someone else. I had to make some tough decisions. Caught be tween needing and wanting her attention and affection, and drawing on my own somewhat neglected marriage for those needs to be met, I felt like a fool.

I felt so vulnerable, so ashamed. So scared of admitting what had gone on. What would I tell my wife and my own children? How about, "Oh, hi there, family--I'm back. Sorry to have had an affair. Hope it didn't hurt you too much"? Or "Well, to tell the truth, I just got caught up with my own ego needs and began to invest in the affair until there was nothing left for the family." Or could my wife understand how the involvement had moved her out of my affection focus, yet I still loved her as my wife? Could I manage to overcome the affair and still have a marriage and family?

I didn't want it to be this way. It began with sincere devotion and paying attention to her needs (strange--it started with her needing me, and changed to my needing her). Then my love and affection began to produce results in her. It fed my ego. It seemed so right, it felt s o good! We were both so happy. But she began to pull me away from my own family responsibilities. I began to realize that sometimes I'd rather be with her than with my own wife and children. That's when I began to see the danger.

The affair, I sensed, could destroy everything. It is the affair pastors don't want to face or talk about--the affair with their church.


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Richard Stenbakken, Ed.D., is the director of Adventist Chaplaincy Ministries, Silver Spring, Maryland.

March 1993

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