A survivor's litany

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. *

I dwell in another secret place.
          It's called the land of forgetfulness and suppression.
                    Many are the shadows lurking in that land,
                    yet none are called the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

O, how I longed for You to be my refuge and my fortress!
         Where were You, God, when I desperately needed You?
                    I didn't willingly give up my innocence.
                              I was seized in an act of betrayal and terror.

Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee
with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

I believed You would deliver me, God. Why didn't You?
          Why didn't You stop it before it began?
          You tell me to trust. How can I?
                    I'm sorry, Lord, but when someone tells me to trust,
                    I get scared even when that Someone is divine.

Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; nor for the pestilence that
walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

Not true, God. Even now I walk in terror and aloneness.
          I am one of the ten thousand who fell at Your right hand.
                    I was an innocent child who believed in You.
                              God, You know that evil came near me revoltingly near.

Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

Let me tell You what my eyes see, Lord.
          My eyes see adults who protect their spouses, or relatives, or friends, or
          reputations rather than their children.
                    My eyes see children intimidated by a justice system they don't understand,
                    but whose hostility they feel.
                           My eyes see scars ugly scars carried by survivors, often for the rest of their lives.
                                     My eyes see a road most traveled by survivors a road devoid of self-esteem
                                     and self-respect, a road of alcoholism, drug addiction, obesity, sexual
                                     dysfunction, prostitution, divorce, and suicide.
                                                And through bitter tears, my eyes see a church whose silence regarding
                                                my plight is deafening.