Summoned by the hospital emergency staff, I rushed to the hospital and found her absolutely devastated. Between sobs she told the story. With no warning, her husband had keeled over backward and passed out. She talked about how long they had been married, where their children now lived, I and how they moved to this community recently. She and her husband had never talked about what they would do in case something happened to either of them. They had no pastor or church. Her only friend was a coworker at the factory.
The doctor walked in. "I'm sorry," he said. "We did everything we could." What's a pastor to do for an unbelieving 52-year-old-woman plunged in the grief of death and loneliness?
- In less than three years their marriage had already turned sour. They discovered that courtship was one thing; marriage something else. They were both bright, articulate, competitive, and unwilling to cooperate with each other.
They could not even tell the story of why they'd come to the pastor without diving into a vitriolic attack on each other. Revenge flared and tempers flashed. Glares and seething words turned to shouts and accusations.
What's a pastor to do for a couple in a crisis in relationship?
- A father with two of his earliteen boys went out hunting. They sat down to rest. As one of the boys was laying down his gun, it went off accidentally and hit the father. The boys carried him to the pickup, where one cradled his bleeding head while the other peeked over the steering wheel, stretched for the pedals, and drove to the hospital.
Surgery was under way when the pastor arrived. He sat with the boys, helped them phone their mother hundreds of miles away, and then listened to their terrible story.
After the doctors broke the horrible news, the pastor took the boys to his home. The pastor's wife washed the father's blood off their clothes as they waited for their mother to arrive.
What's a pastor to do for grieving children who feel guilty and angry, lost and lonely?
Pastors frequently confront a variety of crises. Family violence, abuse and neglect, suicide threats or realities, medical emergencies, accidents, depression, financial stress, parent-child tensions, and other such crises clamor for their personal and professional attention.
How can pastors identify moments of crisis? Are there elements common to crisis situations? What special resources do pastors have to address crisis needs? What skills and Bible principles might be effectively applied to ease the pain of those who suffer?
Moments of crisis
Some have described a crisis as an opportunity in disguise. While it may destabilize the present and make it look like a failure, it also presents opportunity for significant growth. The Chinese character for "crisis" is a combination of two characters one meaning "danger," the other "opportunity." How startlingly accurate!
In spite of all the textbook definitions, each individual must define for themselves what a crisis is. We each have different limits and different sensibilities. For some, accidents are terribly traumatic, even when they are not personally involved. Others are able to distance themselves from the shock to function quite well under the "crisis" of an accident. Some cannot stand the tension of interpersonal conflict, while others seem naturally able to maintain their composure and facilitate the give- || and-take of negotiating, compromising, and resolving conflict.
Our individual tolerances for stress and crisis vary over time. At one time we may be able to cope with change and loss with little long-term disorientation, while at another time or in different circumstances we may not be able to cope with the smallest trauma.
Because of such unique differences from person to person and from time to time we must accept the perception of those in crisis as valid and real in spite of how differently we may perceive it.
Common elements in crises
Those in crisis, regardless of the cause, experience similar responses. The intensity of their response depends on the severity of the crisis and their own sensitivities and coping skills, but they will share to some degree most of the following.
Disorientation. Those experiencing a crisis will experience disorientation and lose touch with their present reality. People in accidents may wander aimlessly around the scene. Those grieving the death of a friend or relative may deny the reality of death. Some may forget what day or what time of day it is. Others may forget to eat or drink or take care of routine chores and responsibilities.
Mental stress. Crises affect our ability to think. Those making decisions while in crisis often fail to take all the facts into account. Quick solutions may seem more attractive than careful ones, even for those who are usually quite meticulous. Decisive persons may seem paralyzed, unable to make even the simplest choices.
Some may bury their true response to crisis and escape from the terrible reality by trying to be superlogical in their explanations.
Emotional stress. Emotional stress demonstrates itself in different ways. Some become very expressive, while others appear cool and aloof. Most go through the classical stages of the grief process and seek recovery.1 Initially the shock and denial are most apparent and absorb the primary attention of supporters at the time of the crisis itself.
Physical symptoms. Physical symptoms can vary from person to person and situation to situation. Crying, wailing, yelling, withdrawn silence, frenetic physical activity, or weakness and fainting all express the inner turmoil and destabilization of a person in crisis.
The needs of persons in crisis
Because of the cluster of mental, emotional, and physical reactions to crisis, most of those in crisis need someone outside themselves to rely on. They need to be able to turn to someone whom they can trust to take care of them and see them through their trauma. The following are some of their significant needs.
Hope. For those who believe, God is the ultimate refuge. In the midst of tragedy they may have questions or doubts, but their experience and faith remain a strength. As God's representatives pastors are a living reminder of hope, mediators of spiritual confidence.
Even for unbelievers a pastor may be a symbol of that hope. While their past experience may provide no handholds to lift them from their plight, a pastor's confidence in God may be come their vicarious exit from despair.
Help. Hope is humanity's greatest need, and God is best able to fill it. But those in crisis need help too, human help. A person in intense crisis needs company. Loss and fear are major responses to crisis, and most cope best when in the company of others. People they feel close to are best, but even supportive strangers are usually much better than no one.
While there may be some who respond to crisis by taking charge, most need someone else to make immediate decisions for them. Disorientation, blurring of the mind, emotional and physical distress all inhibit the ability to manage the moment. As one removed from the situation, you can be a sounding board to initiate and facilitate getting done what most needs to be done.
Recently a friend was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The physician discussed with my friend all the treatment options and suggested a number of other specialists he might like to visit with before he made a decision. He had so many choices about which he knew so little! I asked, "Do you ever wish the physician had said 'Here is the situation, and here's what we need to do about it!'" "Yes," he said. "It would have been such a relief!"
This is not to say we usurp control. Self-control is important for those in crisis the more we can do to restore control to them the better. But they may have forgotten some essentials or not be aware of what needs to be decided. For example, they may not have notified key relatives of a death or an insurance company of an accident. They may not know where they will spend the night or which hospital or funeral home they wish to use.
All of this does not mean we must know everything a crisis situation demands. But we do need to have the presence of mind to seek out the answers or make appropriate referrals. Seeking out resource persons or walking with a traumatized person to an interview or consultation is itself comforting. Done tactfully and personally, consultation and referral are reassuring and increase rather than undermine confidence in us.
Touch. Most traumatized people benefit from touch. It connects them with the real world, reminds them they are not alone, and is a symbol of concern and comfort. However, one needs to be careful and thoughtful that an expression such as touching is not misunderstood. Leave the doors open, stay in the company of others, do all the right things to avoid being misunderstood or entrapped.2
Prompt, calm action. Crises demand prompt, calm action. Promptness can prevent further injury as well as save the already wounded. Emergency highway personnel first flag other cars to prevent them from plowing into an existing wreck. Marital therapists promptly interrupt couples who begin verbally destroying one another. Prompt response to a request for non-emergency help, even if only to set an appointment in the near future, creates hope.
Helpers must remain calm. If they get upset too, those in crisis lose confidence in them.
Action is crucial. Initially many in severe crisis are paralyzed and unaware of the present. Knowing that others are busy taking care of the essential items comforts them. They rely on others and, for that period of time, become dependent. As they emerge from the initial shock, being busy themselves helps overcome the feeling of helplessness. Many want to be doing something, even though it may be meaningless or irrelevant. Activity is helpful.
Skills and Bible principles
Behind and beyond the techniques and skills we learn as professionals lie several fundamental truths. To miss them, neglect them, or abuse them is to blur our identity and blunt our effectiveness as pastors.
If people in crisis needed only skilled professionals, caring friends, and loving family, then they would not need you. Our pastoral presence proclaims that human warmth and skill are insufficient to meet deep human needs. When faced with the reality of human trauma, sympathetic friends and skilled professionals only cover up symptoms or provide temporary solutions. Lasting hope comes only from the eternal God (see Ps. 121:1,2).
Might we not expect pastors to be champions of trust in helping those in crisis to surrender to God? We preach and teach the value of giving everything to God. How essential that message is for those in crisis! Human beings can waste a life time determined to change what they cannot control. A vital step in crisis recovery is to accept the crisis whether we like it or not. As that famous prayer says so well, we must ask God for the courage to change what we can, the serenity to accept what we cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Jesus the model crisis Counselor
When Lazarus died, Jesus demonstrated the interaction of human tragedy, crisis counseling skills, and divine aid. When He arrived at Bethany, He greeted Martha with a promise: "Your brother will rise again" (John 11:23). Martha grieved intellectually. She was caught up with the reasons for and meaning of the event. Jesus met her doubts and confirmed her hope.
When Mary came to Jesus she was in emotional shambles. Jesus shared her emotions, and He wept (John 11:35).
Pastors need never apologize for sharing sympathetic tears. Every pastor may not cry visibly, but every pastor should cry inside, should weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn. Those sympathetic streams communicate more than thousands of words!
Jesus shared the trauma but didn't let it overcome Him. Behind His tears He never lost track of who He was or why He was there. If grief overwhelms us, we cannot provide professional help.
Jesus maintained a constant awareness of human needs and ministered to them. Drawing on the reservoir of His own faith, He became the source of people's hope and victory.
God created humans with intelligence and empathy. Discovered and developed psychological and relational skills allow us to work within the boundaries of His created world. God offers help beyond the natural and hope through His power and promises. People have a right to expect both skills and hope from us who minister in God's name.
1. See Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying (New York: Macmillan Pub. Co., Inc., 1970).
2. See Peter Rutter, Sex in the Forbidden Zone (New York: Fawcett Crest, 1989); also Karen Lebacqz and Ronald D. Barton, Sex in the Parish (Louisville: Westminster/John Knox Press, 1991).
