For a while I thought I was going crazy. Sometimes I'd cry for hours. Then I'd get scared, I mean really terrified. Once I found myself fantasizing about killing myself and my mate. That was when I began to think I was really losing it." 1
"I had a knot in my stomach for weeks. I knew I was on overload, but didn't know how to get off of it. There were so many major decisions to make, and my feelings were like riding a roller coaster. I felt like a frayed knot."2
These are voices of pain. Voices that describe the trauma of divorce. But is divorce a crisis? Consider the definition of crisis offered by Swihart and Richardson: "It is the disequilibrium produced by a perceived threat or adjustment that we find difficult to handle."3 If this is the definition of crisis, few experiences in life qualify for the label "crisis" as much as divorce. Its impact thrusts disequilibrium not only upon two persons, but on many others. The difficulties brought about are often devastating.
Holmes and Rouhe's life-change scale, measuring the level of stress in a person's life, places divorce and marital separation second and third from the top in their stress-causing impact, the top being the death of a spouse.4 Research indicates that psychiatric admissions and suicide rates are higher for those who have suffered divorce than either single or married persons. Illnesses are also more frequent as the immune systems of divorcing people are impacted by the toxic stress attendant to divorce.5 Joseph Epstein, social science researcher on divorce, says, 'To go through a divorce is still, no matter how smooth the procedure, no matter how 'civilized' the conduct of the parties involved, no matter how much money is available to cushion the fall, to go through a very special private hell."6
Statistics show that in the United States divorces equal almost half the number of weddings performed each year. A 300-member congregation could expect one or two divorces a year. Thus an average pastor will have to deal with the crisis of divorce every now and then. Paul's counsel is appropriate for pastors: "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Gal. 6:2, RSV). Wherever there are burdens, pain, and fear, wherever people need to know that God loves them, wherever they need to be encouraged with God's investment in their lives there the pastor must bring the ministry of healing.
This article will deal with the pastoral ministry in the crisis of divorce. It will deal with goals for intervening, losses in divorce, stages of grieving, divorce complexities, and finally, the role conflict encountered by pastors ministering to the divorcing.
Goals of intervention
Among others, six of the following goals are essential for pastors to be aware of as they minister in a divorce situation.
1. Listen carefully to whatever pain and frustration is expressed.
2. Ensure safety. Make sure that the parishioners are not at risk of hurting themselves or someone else.
3. Assess the possibility of saving the marriage. Because a couple is talking about divorce in forceful and emotional terms, do not assume that there is no chance of preserving the marriage. The crisis situation means that people are often being reactive and irrational. Ask them to think of any possible changes that could allow continuing the marriage.
Talk to each spouse privately about the relationship. This eliminates the possibly provocative presence of the partner and encourages a rational discussion of issues. In some cases a suggested reading about the effects of divorce might be beneficial.
4. Focus on making quality decisions.
5. Assess the person's coping skills. If necessary, suggest how they could fortify their emotional strength and behavior.
6. Make an effective referral for professional counseling, if appropriate.
Handling losses
Divorce obviously leads to many kinds of losses, some obvious, some not so obvious. Pastors need to identify these losses and minister to the ones hurting. Some of the losses that require pastoral attention are loss of self-esteem, identity, role mastery, and nurturance. Pastors can employ powerful resources to help a person handle such losses. It is important to communicate that the pain divorcees suffer matters to God and to other Christians.
Grieving the divorce
From the time divorce happens through to recovery involves seven stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and rebuilding.7
Shock comes with the fact of separation or divorce. A certain emotional numbness insulates the person from reality. Then the individual moves into a stage of denial in which he or she behaves as if the divorce was not really happening. Anger often follows denial as emotions become more forceful to deal with the reality of the situation. As the couple faces the reality, they may attempt to bargain with the facts. This could be good if they are willing to change their own relationship-harming behavior. If the strain is allowed to continue and relationships are continually subject to hurt, a stage of depression may set in. However, if the couple see that their marriage is ended and begin to work at a bargain, they are ready for the next stage, acceptance.
The couple accept the reality of the death of the marriage. The spouse is not coming back again. The relationship, as it once was, is dead. And even though there may be continuing contacts because of shared children, there is no longer a marriage relationship. The final stage is rebuilding. In this stage a person is able to move into the future without the old relationship. The individuals, hopefully, face themselves, accept the change, and achieve the growth necessary to prevent the problems of the past from arising once again.
Understanding divorce complexities
Another way to consider how the pastor can be a helper in the crisis of divorce is by understanding the multiple aspects of its complexity. As Paul Bohanan points out, there is (1) the emotional divorce, (2) the legal divorce, (3) the economic divorce, (4) the co-parental divorce, (5) the community divorce, and (6) the psychic (or personal identity) divorce.8 One might add, as David Thompson does, a seventh: the spiritual divorce.9
In crisis counseling, pastors need not assume process responsibility for each of these multiple aspects of divorce. This would be the task of more in-depth counseling. Pastors, however, would want to understand that any of them singly or in combination could precipitate an emotional crisis. People respond differently to the different aspects of divorce. Knowing something about the various components of the divorce will prepare the pastor to intervene most effectively.
The emotional divorce. This aspect is easiest to recognize because it is the most expected. Common sense indicates that emotional relationships, forged over many years, will not be easily altered in a short time. What surprises people is the unexpected intensity of such emotions. If two have become one, even in a relatively restricted sense, severing the relationship will produce significant pain. Anger, fear, guilt, loneliness, relief, happiness a roller coaster of emotions is possible.
Pastors should be especially observant of "relapses" of destabilizing emotional turmoil erupting some time after the divorce is initiated or even after it is final. Adjustments and confusion can continue for some individuals for a number of years after a divorce, even after a person has remarried. If the person becomes too dysfunctional, pastors need to be more directive, objective, and specific with them to ensure their safety and immediate needs and those of any dependent children. However, always encourage them to assume responsibility for their own life and decisions. This is often hard for pastors if their divorcing parishioner is pressing, "Tell me, what should I do?" Provide them with various alternatives for their consideration. Let them weigh the options carefully and make decisions for themselves. People want advice from their pastors, not decisions.
The legal divorce. Attorneys, judges, and the courts are there to complete the legal process. But things can become very complicated. The legal divorce brings with it the resolution of many specific issues: child custody and visitation, economic support, property division, rights to retirement plans, etc.
The judicial system is based upon an adversary relationship. That is to say, there is a plaintiff, who claims to have been wronged, and a defendant, who is accused of perpetrating the wrong. Even in states with no-fault divorce laws, it is unusual for the two sides to approach resolution of legal issues in a nonadversarial way. It is easy to escalate emotions and pain in the adversarial environment. Pastors can help by recommending attorneys whose orientation is to minimize an inflammatory adversarial approach. Such attorneys may be found in your own church, through the recommendation of other clergy in your community, or a local Christian counselor. Suggest the couple put off the legal process until they have determined that there is no hope of reconciliation. If they are responsive, refer them immediately to a local Christian marriage counselor.
The economic divorce. Two households cannot be maintained as economically as one. Financially, things will be tighter than before the divorce. Experience indicates that it is the woman who suffers more in terms of the economic divorce. Alimony is less frequently given today than in the past. Even if the wife receives some alimony, it will often be for a limited time. It is quite common for the custodial parent to receive child support, but collecting it is not easy. Worries and fears might be significant but hidden behind a facade of "everything's just fine." Here the church can be a wonderful support, with short-term financial help, baby-sitting, recommendations for employment, food, etc.
The co-parental divorce. Children can suffer terribly over the divorce of their parents. Young children have a tendency to assume responsibility for the divorce. "Daddy left because I didn't clean up my room like he told me to last week." This is a terrible burden for a child to bear. Adults are often unaware of this, and it is recognized only when they are tuned in and listen carefully. Christian educators must be alerted to the pain through which their young students might be going. Assure them their parents' divorce is not their fault. Also, children can become the unfortunate pawns in the unresolved emotional battles still being waged between ex-spouses. Encourage divorcing parishioners not to use their children as weapons in any unresolved battles. Help them find better ways to deal with their anger and hurt. Help them recognize that under normal circumstances their children need them both to be involved in their lives.
The community divorce. Fellow church members, friends, neighbors, relatives, coworkers, and almost everyone around a divorcing couple are affected by the crisis. Many divorcing people withdraw from their network of support when they most need it. Others aggressively force mutual friends to choose whose "side" they are on. For some people, divorce places their jobs in jeopardy.
The personal identity divorce. Redefining and accepting themselves as a divorced person is another complexity of the divorce crisis. The individual must learn to think about himself or herself in new ways. It takes time for people to reach this stage of adjustment.
The spiritual divorce. Resolving the damage that can occur in a divorcing person's relationship with God is important. Questions about the sovereignty of God, why He allows bad things to happen to people, His trustworthiness, are often part of the divorced church member's baggage. There also might be issues of repentance and forgiveness, and the challenge of surrendering one's feeling for revenge. A listening ear is critically important. At times people in crisis express their anger against God. This can be very challenging to pastors.
Pastor's role conflict
Being free to do pastoral care for the divorcing is critical. However, this ministry is often impeded by the conflict that exists for many pastors between their roles as people helpers and as administrators of church discipline. God hates divorce (see Mal. 2:16) and the pain it causes His creatures. The church seeks to acknowledge this fact through its ecclesiastical regulations. However, pastors, as they try to be both confidential counselors to the divorcing and administrators of church discipline, can experience frustrating role conflict. This role conflict must be addressed if pastors are to be effective helpers of the divorcing people within their congregations. A pastor cannot be both confidential counselor and administrator of church discipline. It is an untenable dual relationship.
I believe that the pastor must choose which of the roles will be dominant in his or her ministry to a divorcing person. If a counseling role is chosen, then the task of administering church discipline must be clearly on someone else's shoulders. If, however, the pastor bears the discipline responsibility, then it is critical that the divorcing parishioners understand. The minister can do pastoral care, but will have to arrange a referral to a local marriage professional for confidential counseling.
1. John P. Splinter, The Complete Divorce Recovery Handbook (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992), p. 38.
2. Ibid., p. 56.
3. Judson J. Swihart and Gerald C. Richardson, Counseling in Times of Crisis (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1987), p. 16.
4. See Diane Medved, The Case Against Divorce (New York: Donald I. Find, Inc., 1989), p. 197.
5. See George Levinger and Oliver C. Moles, eds., Divorce and Separation: Context, Causes, and Consequences (New York: Basic Books. 1979), pp. 185-192.
6. Joseph Epstein, in Medved, p. 200.
7. Splinter, p. 35.
8. Paul Bohanan, in Levinger and Moles, p. 181.
9. David A. Thompson, Counseling and Divorce (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1989), p. 81.
