The crisis in the congregation

How to handle congregational conflicts

Dick Tibbits, D.Min., is director of pastoral education and whole person health at Florida Hospital and Celebration Health, Orlando, Florida.

The call was desperate. The conference president was at his wit's end. One of his churches was hopelessly split. Fault-finding, rumors, and misunderstandings were flying on all fronts. The church pastor identified himself with one group, thus leaving the church without objective leadership. By the time I was asked to mediate, the church board had asked for the pastor's removal and one group of members had already split from the main body and was meeting independently.

I stepped in to bring healing to this body of Christian believers. I still recall the divergent voices in that little church:1 voices of anger, desperation, accusation, and criticism. Some of the voices were quite pointless. Some of them seemed childish. None of them too big to be beyond the power of grace and prayer.

"The music they play," said one, "is of the devil. We should never have allowed it in our church." Such individuals were attempting to uphold what they believed were the right standards, no matter what the cost.

"The old guard is so out of touch with contemporary society," said a young member. "They must have gone to sleep about 10 years ago and haven't woke up yet." Some were sarcastically saying that the "elders" were out of touch with the needs of the younger members, who felt that they were irrelevant to the church.

'This used to be such a loving church," said still another. "My heart aches to see the church falling apart like this." Then there were others the majority who felt confused and saddened by the recent events and were not sure of how to resolve the problem.

How can a healthy and growing church so quickly degenerate into warring factions? What should be done when a church is so deeply divided? It may be tempting to resolve the problem by simply firing the pastor and bringing in "new blood." While there may be times when a pastoral change is necessary, simply changing the coach does not necessarily make a better team.

Causes of congregational division

Most congregational division is based on one group's biased perception of the other's position. These perceptions are then pushed to the extreme in order to demonstrate the other's error. The "correct" position is offered as the only real truth. Both sides often end up with positions far to the left or right from where they began. All sides become unwilling to compromise as they defend their own position. Once any position is pushed to its extreme, and is advocated by a significant number of members, any church will become divided no matter how healthy it may have been.

When I met with various leaders of the church, I quickly discovered that each side had solidified its position to the approximate density of concrete. By then, each group had closely linked its opinions to important church values. Defending the values of "truth" and the church is a powerful motivator for maintaining one's position. Upon closer evaluation, however, it will be found that it is not the values that are in conflict, but how those values are expressed and by whom. When one is evaluating any given situation, it is important to make a distinction between the cultural expression of values that vary with time and place and the underlying values themselves.

This particular church initially had two services: one contemporary and the other more traditional. The traditional service had old hymns. Its familiar sermons spoke of hope and stability. The contemporary service spoke for those who sought relevance in a modern context. These differences, which at first seemed to be an advantage in attracting a wider range of people to the church for worship and witness, eventually became points of division. What started out as mission soon became misery.

Define carefully the issues

During a congregational crisis it is important to have a well-defined approach that addresses the issues. Simply to listen empathetically, or declare a predetermined official position, is a sure way to guarantee failure. Mistakes at this juncture can be costly and contribute to further complexity. Objectivity, fairness, and openness are essential to restore trust and dialogue.

If each participating party has an agenda that is perceived as biased, it is best to obtain an outside professional who is skilled at mediating church conflict. This may be another pastor or a qualified layperson. It is important that all sides agree to the qualifications and objectivity of the chosen mediator. The stakes are too high to risk further division or deeper mistrust. To ask the next pastor to do this work could result in sacrificing him or her to the conflict. Seeking outside consultation should be interpreted not as a sign of weakness or failure but rather as a demonstration of commitment to discover the best possible solution. It is the first important step in moving from blame to resolution.

It is also important not to view all conflict as bad. Conflict can be healthy as unaddressed concerns are surfaced and dealt with. Thus conflict is not to be feared and avoided at all costs, but rather embraced and valued for the new opportunities it can create. Growth necessitates change, and change requires confrontation. When you care enough to confront, issues can be thoughtfully resolved.

Care enough to confront

The bottom line of a church community is the expression of love in the context of truth. If I care about you, then I must be honest with you by telling you my truth. This of course should be done in a sensitive manner. If I want to receive your care, I need your truth. When everyone in a given context of conflict cares in this manner, the truth can be freely spoken in love. Such expressions, when heard and examined in the light of the church's stated purpose, should lead to the strengthening of church unity. As Paul states: "He has made known to us his hidden purpose such was his will and pleasure determined beforehand in Christ to be put into effect when the time was ripe: namely, that the universe, all in heaven and on earth, might be brought into a unity in Christ" (Eph. 1:9, 10, NEB).

Caring and confrontation can be understood as a balancing of love and power. Both are essential for maintaining a lasting relationship. Confrontation works when both parties share a common vision for the future. If we are headed toward a common goal, we will eventually end up at the same place. It may take time, but it will happen. Thus it is profitable to evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of every idea, making appropriate decisions in light of the evidence. When this is done, something much more productive than merely arguing over who is right or wrong will occur.

Perfectionism and judgmentalism are the great divides of any relationship, including the life of a church. A perfectionist views every situation as having only a right or wrong answer. A judgmentalist always believes his or her point of view is the right one, and thus condemns others for their "obvious" error. This sets up the classic win/ lose situation that can result only in increased resentment and further alienation.

Plan your objectives in crisis counseling

In my approach to crisis counseling I seek to accomplish three objectives. First, reopen the doors of communication. To accomplish this, I start by getting each side to understand the concerns of the other. Until you take the time to understand, you have not earned the right to be understood. Assuming you understand only confirms your ignorance.

Second, clarify and differentiate the underlying values from the issues that are being expressed---i.e., the argument may be over the color of carpet, but the underlying issue is how to assert my authority. To resolve the carpet issue without understanding the authority issue is to fix the presenting problem while leaving the underlying issue unresolved. In time, another conflict will inevitably emerge over another topic. The best way to get at underlying values is to invite each group to define its purpose and identify what values are being expressed through its activities. Begin with the end in mind, and work back to current realities. This creates a new way of viewing the issues, thus creating a new set of solutions. The best solutions are those that are most likely to achieve common goals.

Third, make decisions that support both the values of the church and the relationships in the church. You will always achieve better results if you think along two continuums rather than one. This avoids either/or positions that produce a winner and a loser. You will be much further ahead if you think win/ win as the only acceptable solution.

Work at your objectives

Communication. Expressed hostility, hurt, or withdrawal are signs of pain, injury, and misunderstanding. The expression of such feelings is an indicator of poor communication. Instead of a clarification of the issues with a desire to understand, ideas are labeled and then judged according to one's preconceived biases. Instead of attempts to discover common ground upon which to build a new solution, endeavors are made to convince, or force, others to see the superiority of their own position. Such an approach continues the destructive cycle of conflict by building walls rather than bridges.

Effective communication takes place when someone has something important to say and another is willing to listen with a desire to understand. The weakest link in all communication is listening. Most leaders receive some training in public speaking; but how many have received any training in effective listening? This is a serious gap. Listening is often much more beneficial than talking. When I talk, I am simply repeating what I already know; but when I listen, I learn something new. It is through learning that new ideas emerge. This is the process of growth.

In fact, we were designed for listening. It has been said that God gave us two ears and only one mouth, for He intended that we listen twice as much as we talk. Of course, it was no mistake that our mouths were designed to shut while our ears were created to be constantly open. The better we listen, the more understanding we become.

The greatest need of anyone in pain is to be understood. To be understood, I must be willing to tell my story; and if I tell my story. I need someone who will actually listen. Hearing a person's pain is the first, and most important, step to resolving the pain. I believe that being heard is so close to being loved that, for all practical purposes, they are indistinguishable.

Most people listen just enough to select the most effective rebuttal. Such individuals are thinking their thoughts rather than listening to what the other is saying. Listening must begin with a desire to understand. Solutions are not effective, and usually are not accepted, until the problem is understood not only on the intellectual but on the emotional level. The single greatest mistake in conflict resolution is fixing problems before understanding them.

In effective problem solving, it is important to value one's own opinions as well as the opinions of others. By making "I" statements, I give value to my ideas while creating space for another's point of view. When I make "you" statements, I fix blame and undermine your point of view.

For example: "I would like to sing this song, for I believe the words express well the thought of the sermon." In this expression, the purpose of special music is understood and my desire is made clear. There is now room to discuss the appropriateness of the selection and alternatives that may better accomplish the desired goal. Compare this approach to: "You never approve the songs I want to sing." You statements blame and encourage defensiveness. They lead to conclusions rather than open possibilities.

The first step in resolving conflict is to pay attention to our communication. The biggest dividends are to be found in improved listening. "Hear what I say, not what you think I am going to say."

Understanding. The topic being discussed is most likely to be a symptom of the underlying problem, not the problem itself. Often the real problem is clouded by the personal issues of the participants. Underlying the discussion are the substantive issues of personal bias, authority, power, control, and one's insecurities that are masked by the need to be right.

Vulnerability is protected by arguing over fixed positions. Rigid positions hide deeper fears: fear of failure, fear of disapproval, and/or fear of rejection. Individuals in such arguments believe they cannot afford to lose. They must win, no matter what the cost. In church conflict the costs can be high. Once this dynamic is established, you are sure to have a winner and a loser. Both sides will find a way to win---even if both end up the losers---by either striking back or breaking away. Division is the natural result of such an approach.

Before going down this road, go back to your church's mission. If your church does not have a mission statement, it is time to write one. A mission statement should identify the purpose of your church and what it seeks to accomplish. The mission of the local congregation should align with and support the mission of the denomination with which it belongs. All ideas should then be evaluated in light of the mission statement. The best solutions are those that have the greatest impact on fulfilling your mission. The more that buy into the mission, the more likely there will be alignment of ideas and activities.

A good mission statement can help determine if your alternative points of view take you down separate paths, or head you in the same direction. A common goal is more important than common ground at this point. Diversity is essential for growth, as long as there is agreement on direction. When you do not have common direction, diversity can lead to chaos.

Solutions. The goal of resolving any problem is not to fix blame but to discover solutions. Blame results in division, whereas solutions bring about unity. Remember, our goal is not only to solve the problem but to strengthen relationships. Solutions come when people are committed to their possibility. Commitment comes when one feels valued and included.

People matter the most. I would rather make a few adjustments to be inclusive than rigidly let people fall out of my circle of concern. Remember the advice of Ellen White: "It is better to err on the side of mercy."2 To value both the person and the outcome, we must think along two continuums simultaneously. To do this, picture a graph3 with two sets of concerns intersecting, as shown here.

 

(graph from page 13)

 

Plot your solutions according to where they best fit on the graph. Evaluate each solution on a scale from one to ten in regard to desired outcome and expressed concern for all individuals. This will help to determine if your solution is a real winner.

Such an exercise should help you move in your thinking from a "we/they" position, in which they are the enemy and we are the preservers of truth, to an "us" position, in which we are in this together as a family of God. We must learn how to talk out, listen through, and discover our common solutions. There is a danger when everybody thinks the same, for then nobody thinks. There is also a danger when everyone thinks differently, for then there is no alignment of ideas, indicating a lack of common vision.

Every conflict must eventually end. To get there, you need to focus on problem solving. This is a process of collecting data, identifying options, and evaluating the pros and cons of each option. From this information a decision needs to be made. The primary consideration is not whose solution is right but whether the solution supports the mission. It is a matter not of winning, but of doing the right thing. And in doing so, expressing care and concern for all involved.

1. The story is a composite of several situations I had to deal with in my ministry. No particular congregation is to be identified.

2. Ellen G. White, Education (Mountain View, Calif.: Pacific Press Pub. Assn., 1903), p. 294.

3. See David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront (Ventura, Calif.: Regal Books, 1986).

Dick Tibbits, D.Min., is director of pastoral education and whole person health at Florida Hospital and Celebration Health, Orlando, Florida.

September 1996

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