Though the job of pastor's wife can be exciting and challenging, not all women relate to it in the same way. Personality, social background, and a host of other factors influence how she plays this crucial role.
In Minister's Wife: Person or Position? Marilyn Brown Oden writes that pastors' wives may be broadly divided into three basic groups: the detached, the background supporter, and the incorporated or active participant. 1
What does it mean to be in one of those groups?
The detached
The detached pastor's wife does not perceive herself as a particularly important part of her husband's ministry. She is married to the man, not his job. It is important to her that her husband's profession not interfere with their personal life. She is not necessarily concerned about fulfilling the expectations of the congregation. Because she refrains from this role, she is freer to be herself and, among other things, to perhaps pursue her own career goals or to devote herself more single-mindedly to the rearing of her children, especially if they are at their younger stages of development. It is important to note that not every pastor's wife who pursues her own career or concerns is necessarily detached.
The detached wife may be frustrated when people simply associate her with her husband's ministry. In this kind of pastoral marriage, a husband may feel a lack of support from his wife and experience a sense of aloneness in his ministry and, perhaps, in his marriage as a whole. This could negatively affect his work. He might, for example, find it difficult to minister to some of the female members of his congregation or to effectively fulfill some of his roles as husband and father.
Molly Wesley, wife of Methodist preacher John Wesley, is an example of the detached pastoral wife. She was not as educated as her husband. She did not have the same social standing. Apparently, because of these and other factors, she never really felt part of Wesley's public ministry. Wesley, in fact, seems to have become hesitant to have her appear with him in public, not being sure what she might say or do in such situations. She ended up standing aloof, at least from the public aspects of his ministry.2
The less assertive woman may not want to be heavily involved in working with many people, especially in the public aspects of ministry. She may lack the needed confidence or giftedness for such a role. She may be shy. She may feel she lacks skills in ministerial work and, therefore, sense that she has little to offer her husband in his work. She then may tend to feel detached.
The key factor in this kind of pastoral marriage is that a wife remain emotionally and spiritually available to her husband and the work of ministry and that the two of them communicatively forge out a mutually satisfying relationship.
The background supporter
The background supporter feels she is a part of the ministry but prefers to work in the background. She helps where she can but does not take a leading role. This wife is in a better position to give counsel and advice to her husband and to share in his life and ministry, because she is in a position to observe his work. For example, although she carries no church office, the wife may watch the congregation's responses during a sermon, thus utilizing some of her behind-the-scenes giftedness to the benefit of her husband's ministry and that of the congregation. The pastor will have respect from the congregation because he fills his role without public interference from his wife. This couple works together, rather than in competition.
Emma Moody "enjoyed a behind the scenes place" yet was a great support to D. L. Moody. Although "she shunned the limelight... her gifts as a teacher were recognized. In Moody's Sunday school she taught a class of about forty middle-aged men. Once, Moody was escorting a visitor through his Sunday school, and the visitor re marked about the propriety of the situation: 'Isn't that lady too young to be a teacher of a class of men like that?' Moody responded that he thought the teacher was handling the class quite well. The visitor agreed but still insisted that it seemed improper. Finally Moody said rather proudly, 'That sir, is my wife.'"3 Much of the success of Moody's ministry is attributed to his wife's sup port. The adage "Behind every successful man is a good woman" applies well in this case.
The wife who is a background support to her husband can be so in a virtually unlimited array of ways. Her essential emotional and spiritual support is what is key to her role as a pastor's wife.
Incorporated participant
The incorporated participant is actively involved in the ministry. Such a wife has in fact found her particular niche a ministry of her own that complements that of her husband. She does not hesitate to take a leading role.
I heard of one wife who participates in church board meetings with all voting powers. She is a member by virtue of her being the pastor's wife. If the pastor is unavailable, she does not hesitate to give counsel in matters of church pro grams and administration. Although there are some dangers present in such participation, her involvement is strong and can be edifying.
Some women, with more assertive or aggressive personalities, may fit into this category of pastoral spouse. This kind of wife is almost an "assistant pas tor," always in the forefront. Such involvement, however, could create serious complications that the pastor may find difficult to rectify and that may develop uneasy frictions among the congregation and in the marriage. The couple may even tend to compete with one another. However, if their roles are well-defined and there is honest communication between them, a viable team ministry is possible and the congregation can benefit from and even emulate this cooperation.
Again, although this wife may effectively fill in where her talents lie, some cautionary limits should be in place. The wife should not be seen as superseding the pastor, who is the designated leader of the congregation. Talented as she may be she is not the pastor, but rather, his support person.
"The wife of a minister of the gospel can be either a most successful helper and a great blessing to her husband or a hindrance to him in his work. It depends very much on the wife whether a minister will rise from day to day in his sphere of usefulness or whether he will sink to the ordinary level.... Wives of the ministers should help their husbands in their labors and be exact and careful what influence they exert, for they are watched, and more is expected of them than of others."4
Conclusion
Each of us has been called from a different social background, and each has differing inherited and acquired traits. Therefore, each is to minister in a different way.
Christian ministry calls for commitment from every believer, including the minister and his wife. Commitment in one without an answering commitment in the other hurts both. But each marriage and each church situation is different. In all of it, surrender of life and will to their Lord is crucial, for then His Spirit can work to balance their disparate traits so that the husband-and-wife team can work together in an effective, Christ-centered pastoral ministry, while their home and their marriage is strong and rewarding.
1 See Marilyn Brown Oden, The
Minister's Wife: Person or Position?
(Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1966), 40-42.
2 William J. Petersen, Martin Luther
Had a Wife (Chepstow, U.K.: Bridge
Publishing, 1984), 67.
3 Ibid., 107,113, 114.
4 Ellen G. White, The Adventist Home
(Hagerstown, Md.: Review and Herald Pub.
Assn., 1952), 354, 355.
