When I mentioned to a friend that I was writing an article on sexuality and the parsonage, she responded: "Sex and the parsonage! Is nothing sacred?"
"Does this mean," I replied, "that you don't think sexuality is something that can be sanctified?"
"Well . . . yes, I mean, well, I just don't think of it in those terms!"
That's the problem. For too long churches have withheld the "seal of approval" on sexuality. The Bible has treated sexuality forthrightly, giving an amazing amount of coverage to its de lights. Even when we have accepted its place in marriage, we have often done it quite grudgingly.
This article will explore the concept of sexuality in the parsonage, but with these "givens": 1) sexuality is a gift of God that He instituted and blesses; 2) He has great expectations for its role in our lives; 3) sexuality was designed to bring unity as well as children within marriage; 4) sexuality has the potential of bringing about great pleasure and ecstasy; 5) sexuality provides an experience of bonding for husband and wife.
Sexuality and the pastor as a person
Long before her or his first pastoral assignment has been decided, the pastor will have been formulating a personal theology and philosophy of sexuality. If we could map out a back ground of positive circumstances that would prepare pastors to be most effective in this area of ministry, it would be something like this:
The pastor would be born into a home where delighted parents eagerly welcome the baby and consistently nourish a loving, respectful relationship that readily demonstrates affection, "tender regard," and wise discipline. In fancy would be characterized by soft, gentle handling, caressing and "conversations" through cooing, singing, and playing, along with communication that builds a basis for continuing child-parent interactions. Such a home would also lay a foundation for trust and intimacy in future relationships. There would be a spoken admiration of the child's beautiful body, attributed to a loving God who wisely tells us how to best care for it. In all of this, no body parts or their functions would be spoken of in either a derogatory or crude manner.
Age-appropriate sexual education would provide information even before children needed to hear it, so that during puberty and adolescence it would be comfortable and natural to continue talking about and answering questions regarding sexual changes and function ing. This would provide an accurate vocabulary helpful throughout life, preventing a reliance on peers and the media for cheap, four-letter word "sex education" courses.
Sexuality would not be seen merely as a raging, hormone-driven urge to be blindly released, stoically endured, or inflexibly resisted, but as a God-planted desire to learn about, anticipate, and sublimate until God's own time when it would unfold as one of His special gifts to marriage. The pastor's parents would have maintained a watchfulness which sought to avoid coarse sexual expressions, double-entendres, anecdotes and stories, or television offerings that depict sexuality as cheaply humorous, trivial, or devoid of moral implications.
The pastor's underlying attitude toward sexuality will have an effect on his or her personal values and how these affect feelings and decisions about behaviors involving sexuality, be they pre-marital, extra-marital, or post-marital. The pastor's attitude will even influence his or her response to a re quest for counseling from married couples struggling with their sexual experience. It will even determine the degree of effectiveness a pastor possesses when speaking to a group of young people on questions of sex.
Sexuality and the pastor as a spouse
Though by no means perfect in this arena, Seventh-day Adventists have always been a church which holds sexuality in marriage as not only permissible but blessed. We often read in church literature that two institutions come to us from the Garden of Eden the Sabbath and marriage. Recently we seem to have become more comfortable in reading the Song of Solomon as it was intended, a beautiful love song, a paean praising God for the profound romance and sensual delight that ac companies a committed sexual relationship between a man and a woman.
Even before marriage, pastors-to-be and their intended spouses should be exploring their own ideas about sexuality. It would be the best if both had been reared in homes where sexuality has been presented as a gift of God to marriage and where each takes delight ministering to the happiness of the other. However, some pastoral spouses have felt it would be helpful to introduce explicit, pornographic sexual materials into the marriage bed, expecting them to improve the sex life. This voyeurism is most often resisted by the wife, who, among other things, sees it as a reflection on her own inadequacies.Yet pornography, clearly inappropriate and immoral, never belongs in the repertoire of Christian love-making, or in the experience of those who are living to represent the splendor of Christ to their fellow human beings.
Sexuality in the lives of a pastoral couple
Without the complete assurance that each is totally committed to the other, there can be no complete giving of oneself in the marriage embrace. One cannot risk the most intimate aspects of one's personhood if concerned that it could be rejected, displaced, or exploited. Experiencing and partaking of one another's deepest wells of love can be meaningful only if restricted, throughout a lifetime, to each other alone.
Knowledge of the physical act of intimacy is also important. When a couple realizes that sexual expression is an unfolding, growing process God's process they will want to learn about all the aspects of sexuality physical, emotional, and spiritual. This should help to release some inhibitions and create a desire to thank God for providing this awesome experience.
Intimacy, even sexual intimacy, is not only for physical expression. When it does not include the kind of closeness that encompasses the emotions, the intellect and the spirit, it cannot truth fully be called intimacy. When two lovers are within one another's life boundaries, sharing thoughts, ideas, values, goals, delights, and sorrows, they are sharing at a level unique to the marital relationship a space open to no other, and nonexistent in any other union. This ideal is not achieved during the honeymoon; it is a lifetime growth process that should never be taken for granted.
Pastoring is an absorbing, emotional, and time-consuming ministry. It is vitally important to keep priorities balanced so that the career does not take over the time necessary to nurture the sexual/marriage relationship. It is absolutely crucial for the pastoral couple to talk one-on-one, to celebrate special occasions, to date, to make positive family memories. Board meetings, commit tees, and the needs of other people are important, but when they consistently replace "couple time," schedules must be realigned.
Sexuality and the pastor as a parent
Probably at no time will the pastor be as aware of the awesome power of sexuality as when her or his newborn child is entrusted into waiting arms. Next to the child's heart will be the parent's heart beating with wonder, pride, and determination to meet the challenge of parenting. This child will depend on its parents to bring meaning to the whole concept of sexuality, and to set the stage that will, in a large way, determine its pattern throughout adulthood.
Each child should be told the beautiful story of life by parents who can provide a background to build upon throughout childhood and the teen years. When parents talk to their children about sexuality, there is less sexual experimentation on the part of the children. Usually fathers are less involved in sex education than are mothers. This should not be. Education should be a joint parental project, with each talking to each child at times and with the whole family together on occasion. Parents must realize that in not making this a priority, they are giving messages such as: "This is not an important enough issue for us to talk about.... Sexuality is too hard for me to talk about... too complicated... too ugly... too embarrassing. ... It is something you'll find out about along the way."
It is important to protect our children from seeking answers to sexual problems apart from their parents. People with bad motives are eager to fill in the gaps. In addition, we need to give our children information that is appropriately protective for their degree of maturity. They need to know the exact steps they must take (which should always involve parents as well as other trustworthy adult authority figures) when approached by inappropriate touches and/or dialogue whether these come from a stranger, friend, or family member.
Sexuality and the minister of the gospel
In the ministerial role the pastor has several main categories of responsibility in which the cause of sexuality can be served: namely, sermon preparation, education, and counseling.
As I interact with Seventh-day Adventists at retreats, camp meetings, and seminars, I am told again and again that they wish their pastors would speak more often on family issues such as the qualities of strong families, pitfalls in family life, and issues that have to do with loyalty, respect, and purity. Church families need to hear messages that can counteract the exposure to sexuality that fills our culture and homes through the media. Pulpit prayers can occasion ally offer pleas for God to instill in us a longing for moral purity, for victory over temptations that threaten our family happiness, for the healing of painful memories, and for a restoration of God's beautiful plan for marriages and families.
The Seventh-day Adventist Church provides numerous workshops and seminars dedicated to family life. The workroom shelves of the Family Life Department at the General Conference are filled with excellent, well-prepared materials. There is help for small churches that may not have professional resource people to lead out. Dedicated, willing, and suitably gifted lay leaders can also be trained in these things.
Will people attend seminars on family life? I heard of one church that announced a Sabbath afternoon marriage seminar devoted to the topic of "Building Relationships." Though they expected 30-40 to come, 150 attended. The need is there.
Pastors in churches with a church school may also work with educators to design and implement ways through which our children can be taught relationship skills.
In addition to consistently providing pre-marital counseling classes, marriage enrichment opportunities can be presented for married couples at all marital stages, including those in retirement. With deplorable divorce rates in our church and ceaseless stories of af fairs that bring separation and unfathomable unhappiness to so many families, we must do more to help strengthen and enrich our homes.
A qualified pastor can open the way to spiritual resources for persons wishing to have help with such concerns as their selfishness, lack of joy, immoral thoughts, impatience, and anger. If, however, the pastor doesn't have the requisite training, he or she needs a list of those who do. A wise pastor has a qualified mentor or supervisor in consultation or in conjunction with individual counseling, especially in cases involving sexuality. This is not only in the best interests of the person being served, but of the pastor as well.
A pastor's work with parishioners will include not only counseling, but also visitation and working together in committees and church projects. Each pastor will often face close contact with opposite-sex persons who are attractive and winsome. If the pastor's mood is sometimes one of discouragement over church progress, concern over a personal marital relationship, or worry about his standing with church members, the potential for trouble grows. It is the pastor's responsibility to stay focused and keep the lines drawn between personal and church concerns.
A careful study of Jesus' ministry will be helpful. His work for His Father was constantly before Him; He possessed dignity and a winsomeness that did not become familiarity. His minis try was never exercised for His own benefit, but He always held the other person's best and eternal interests as an overarching priority.
Conclusion
Jesus' prayer to His Father as He faced His crucifixion seems particularly fitting here," 'I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I my self may be in them' " (John 17:26).
May He indeed be in every part of our ministry, particularly the part dealing with something so potentially wonderful (or destructive) as sexuality.
