I wish there weren't difficult people. I wish I weren't allergic to the emotional toxin they spread. I wish they didn't sometimes make my mind go in circles and my stomach go to ulcers.
Maybe if I had the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon, I wouldn't be irritated. But since I live in the river of life I must learn to make friends with the crocodiles. I must seek to make rainbows in the midst of other people's thunder.
"It isn't always what you must do but it is always what you must become," a wise old minister once said to me. "Compassion is an empathetic brief exchange of souls."
It has not always been easy to follow his advice. Dealing with DPs (difficult people) takes a great deal of generous understanding. It is much easier to become one ourselves.
One of my congregant's anger seemed to be a living thing. Then I learned that on a terrible, black, bleak day he was convicted of a crime he didn't commit. Later on he was set free. Except he wasn't free. The bars of bitterness still held him. My finding out did not change his behavior. But it changed mine. I became more patient with his outbursts.
DPs come in all shapes
Early in my ministry I asked myself, "When am I most difficult?" When I knew I had gotten that tone in my voice or that look on my face I would remind myself that when people irritated me, I too could show it. A friend told me once, "Neil, we ministers can be patiently judgmental and that can be as bad or worse than a vocal eruption."
DPs come in all kinds of emotional shapes and sizes. Most are sprinters, not marathon runners. Wait them out until they run out of fuel. "Build on resolve and not regret," cautioned Adlai Stevenson. Some blame and bluster at the top of their lungs. Some sneer softly and drip sarcasm. Others seem innocuous in their complaints but beneath lies a seething anger.
It took me a while to learn to recognize early and handle the problems while they were still manageable. This meant a constant tuning and retiming of my antennae.
I soon found that questions rather than direct statements could smooth the edges of any debate or argument. "Would you please explain?" got the same answer as an argumentative reaction; it just wasn't as heated.
Dialogue
I also noticed that by initiating dialogue I could show concern and gain insight. "John, it seems we have been at odds recently." The implication was that things had been better in the past. This was sometimes a stretch but a worthy one. "Is it something I did? Something I said?" I'd then speak of "stumbling blocks," a term which has a better connotation than words such as "problem," "trouble," "difficulty," "disagreement." "What I really meant" (explanation). "I can see how you feel" (understanding). I'd often use "us" and "we."
If verbal dialogue didn't seem immediately appropriate, a written note helped. "Dear John/Jane, I've been thinking a lot about what you said and you have a number of good points (praise). However, I wonder if you've considered (my idea). As your friend and pas tor (positive affirmation), I need your friendship and our ability to be able to agree to sometimes disagree. I'd like to sit down and talk. I'll call within the next few days (too long a wait isn't good). I hope we can work out a time to meet soon. Your servant in Christ."
Not all respond as Christian brothers and sisters. Some people really are permanent DPs. At such times when friendship is hope less, friendliness is not.
I remember with regret a member in one of my churches who had been my friend and became my avowed enemy. I tried dialogue. He refused. I dropped notes. I received no answer. To this day I do not know why he disliked me. I only know that since I could not put out the fire, I tried not to fan it.
While still in the seminary, I had a small church in a county seat. Before my first Sunday I was warned about one of the elders. I was told he was always an argument waiting to happen. So I met him with fear and trepidation. I was even a little on the defensive every time he opened his mouth. And because I expected the worst from him, before too long I got it. I had not yet learned the old English proverb, "Make not the sauce till you have caught the fish."
Humor
A sense of humor helps. "Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come," counsels the ancient Chinese proverb. Overcome negative feelings toward the DPs of the world with the wisdom of wit. Even if you do not always find spring, it will help you to withstand the winter of their discontent.
An officer in another of my churches was against almost every thing. At each meeting he would begin a tirade against something. As his voice rose and his eyes darkened, I would visualize a large bucket of liquid love. In my mind's eye I would pick up that bucket, walk over and slowly pour its entire contents over his head. I imagined watching the liquid love form puddles at his feet. And I would begin to smile inwardly at the ludicrousness of the whole affair.
As I grew older and my experience deepened, I learned that a closed mouth gathers no foot! That is, having less to say gives less chance for one's foot to enter one's mouth! This is why I increasingly sought in all my relationships to soothe problems rather than stir them.
I now know all rumbles cannot be quieted. I truly wish they could be. But I also know I cannot remind myself too often that "when there is a problem, don't be one."
