Is divorce the answer?

Are there justifiable reasons for divorce?

Gary J. Tolbert is pastor of the Fletcher Seventh-day Adventist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina

God created marriage to provide friendship, companionship, help, and love for our lives. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife" (Gen. 2:24).* Unfortunately, some of us have suffered pain and loss in marriage. Love that was meant to provide power and life in a marriage relation ship is not always enough to keep that marriage alive. Sometimes we cannot live with the person any longer. We may still love them, but we cannot live with them. But is divorce the answer?

Jesus' statement

Deuteronomy 24:1 says among other things that a man can divorce his wife if he finds "something indecent about her." What is "something indecent"? In answering this question there were two basic schools of thought. Rabbi Shammai felt the phrase referred to a sexual sin. Rabbi Hillel held that it referred to anything the husband did not like in his wife, even if she burned the supper.

What did Jesus say? His answer is found in Matthew 19:3-9. Jesus doesn't start with Deuteronomy, but goes back to Creation. "Haven't you read . . . that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Then the Pharisees countered. "Why then," they asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" (Matt.19:7) Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for mar ital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matt. 19:8, 9).

Notice the slant of the Pharisees' question. They used the word "command" when describing Moses' approach in speaking of divorce. But Jesus countered their use of that word with the word "permit." According to Jesus, divorce was permitted because of people's hardness of heart. But then in verse 9 He says that the only ground for divorce is adultery. Jesus first shows us the ideal for marriage then makes the exception. We often emphasize the exception and neglect the ideal that Jesus emphasized.

Many today do not even seem to want to look at the ideal; in many cases they want to divorce, for almost any reason. There seems to be little desire to exercise what is basic to any long-term relationship: patience. If a couple could only find it in themselves to expend half the energy they do in arranging a divorce, working on the relationship before they make the move to divorce, there would be fewer divorces. Some might dismiss this statement out of hand, but it is persuasively illustrated by columnist and minister George Crane who tells of a wife who came into his office full of hatred toward her husband. "I want not only to get rid of him," she said, "but get even. Before I divorce him, I want to hurt him as much as he has me."

Dr. Crane suggested to the woman that she "Go home and act as if you really loved your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe you love him. After you've convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live with out him, drop the bomb. Tell him you are getting a divorce. That will really hurt him."

With revenge in her eyes, she smiled and exclaimed, "Beautiful! Beautiful!"

And so she left to fulfill her assignment with enthusiasm. For two months she showed love, showed kindness, listened, gave, shared. When she didn't return, Crane called. "Are you ready now to go through with the divorce?"

"Divorce?" she exclaimed. "Never! I've discovered I really do love him."

Reversed as it may seem to many contemporary minds, the woman's actions had changed her feelings. The ability to love is established not so much by fervent promise as by often repeated deeds.

It is no surprise that God doesn't like divorce. Though speaking of His relationship with Israel, His words are nevertheless true in the case of human marriage and divorce: " 'I hate divorce,' says the Lord God of Israel" (Mal. 2:16).

Other reasons for divorce?

People offer two other reasons for divorce, many assuming they are biblical.

First, abandonment. Paul speaks about the problem of abandonment. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Tim. 5:8).

1 Corinthians 7:12-15 says "To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. . . . For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."

Putting these passages together, some conclude that if a person abandons or severely neglects his or her family, he or she is considered an unbeliever. The abandoned spouse, like the believing one, is free to divorce and remarry.

It is true that there are all kinds of abandonment. Forgetting to remember important things is not abandonment. Failing in business or child rearing is not abandonment in itself. Abandonment is severe neglect of the family. It's more than just being too busy or being irresponsible. It's neglecting and above all simply not being there. It means a spouse has given up claim for their family.

Another reason given for divorce and remarriage is abuse. Here we are thinking of physical abuse, which could transcend sexual maltreatment. The spouse who is physically abusing his or her family is by all means far from showing a Christian response, but rather demonstrating a lack of love and evidence of the Holy Spirit in the life.

The Old Testament had the law of retaliation: "If anyone takes the life of a human being, he must be put to death. Anyone who takes the life of someone's animal must make restitution—life for life. If anyone injures his neighbor, whatever he has done must be done to him: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. As he has injured the other, so he is to be injured. Whoever kills an animal must make restitution, but whoever kills a man must be put to death. You are to have the same law for the alien and the native-born. I am the Lord your God" (Lev. 24:12-22).

It is interesting that Jesus explicates this law differently: "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If some one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" (Matt. 5:38, 39).

When a person lives with someone who abuses them, they can turn the other cheek only so many times. It may, in fact, become mortally dangerous to do so at all. Is Jesus suggesting that someone in a seriously physically abusive marriage possibly sacrifice her or his life after presenting the other cheek for further abuse? I don't think that is what Jesus had in mind. He was talking about relating to the heavy politically motivated abuse suffered by the people of His day. The Romans, for example, seemed to take pleasure in treating Jews abusively. Jesus is saying that if under such circumstances the Jew treated the Roman with kindness, it would tend to impress the abuser and ultimately lead to better treatment.

There are all kinds of abuse—physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, mental, and verbal. There are even legitimate examples of spiritual abuse carried on by churches and church leaders.

But the question is, Is abuse grounds for divorce and remarriage? If a spouse is abusive, should the couple still stay together? Is staying in a relationship more important than saving oneself from continuous abuse? No one needs to take abuse. Ask for help. Our church has not yet taken a definitive stand on abuse and its relationship to marriage, divorce, and remarriage.

When a marriage is shaky

Divorce is a profoundly painful experience. People who consider it often have little idea of its difficulty. It is seen as a relatively simple solution to the anguish being experienced in marriage. Divorce rates are twice as high for second marriages and the percentages go up from there. In and of itself, divorce and all that comes in its train is often even more painful and destructive than the problems in the marriage that precipitated the divorce in the first place. Divorcing couples, especially those who move quickly to divorce, tend to carry the problems that precipitated their divorce into their next marriage. There is also all the attempted readjustment that must be initiated when it comes to children and other family members who stand in the wake of a divorce and a remarriage. So even though one may have biblical grounds for divorce, one may still by all means attempt to avoid it. Even when there has been adultery marriages can be saved, and life can go on with a degree of satisfaction, perhaps higher than if a divorce is sought.

Marriage counselor Lindsay Curtis often hands his clients a calling card that lists seven warning signals of a sick marriage:

1. When common courtesies are abandoned;

2. When couples begin to think in terms of "I" instead of "we";

3. When they stop complimenting each other;

4. When stubborn silence replaces common-sense communication;

5. When they fail to sense and meet the needs of each other;

6. When they fail to express love;

7. When they stop praying with one another.

In enriching our own marriages and those of our parishioners we can improve our own sense of what is healthy and unhealthy in relation ships. By the grace of God we can move to intervene and to be of real help, both to ourselves and to those God has given us to serve.

*All Scripture passages in this article are from the New International Version.


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Gary J. Tolbert is pastor of the Fletcher Seventh-day Adventist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina

August 2001

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