Being mirrors in the parsonage

How pastors and their spouses may support each other in ministry.

Joel N. Musvosvi, Ph.D., is the dean of the seminary at the Adventist International Institute for Advanced Studies, Silang, Cavite, Philippines.

Today pastoral ministry is more demanding, stressful, and lonely than ever. Pastors find themselves more isolated from their people. Either ministers maintain a professional distance from members or they are placed on a pedestal by a well-meaning congregation. In either case, there is a sense of being isolated, watched, analyzed, critiqued. This sense of isolation and scrutiny can carry over to the pastor's spouse.

Both the pastor and his or her spouse often feel disconnected and in the cold. This kind of disconnection can deprive the pastoral couple of emotional nourishment and the personal feedback so necessary for whole some growth in life, marriage, and ministry.

A readily available source of encouragement and nourishment for the pastoral couple is themselves. Before they are a ministerial team, the pastoral couple are partners in marriage. This partnership provides an enormous fountain of strength for both of them. I call this the mirror in the parsonage.

Let's examine what it means for a husband and wife in ministry to be mirrors to each other and how to facilitate self-understanding and personal growth through dialogue.

Self-understanding and the pastoral couple

The base for the male-female relationship is outlined in the Bible. It is as applicable to the pastor and the pastoral spouse as it is to anyone. A pastoral couple is first of all a partnership in marriage—a husband and a wife. Only then are they to be seen, or see them selves as "shepherd" and "shepherdess." The couple must place their husband-wife relationship distinctly before their professional responsibility.

The pastor must clearly understand that he is not first of all his wife's pastor and then her husband. A wife must equally realize that she is her husband's spouse first, before she relates to him or sees him in any other light. There must be no room for platitudes and pedestals in their relationship with one another.

Their first obligation is to love, to cherish, and to be available to each other with an undying commitment to their own marriage. It is important that ministry flow out of their togetherness and not vice versa. The pastoral marriage is first of all an interaction of ordinary persons, even though it takes place in an extraordinary setting.

Genesis tells us that "God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Gen. 1:27, NKJV). Humankind as male and female together reflect the divine image more fully than either male or female apart from one another. Man by himself lacks certain characteristics that help to portray the image of his Maker. Woman by herself lacks other characteristics that are a reflection of God. It takes both genders together to adequately reveal the image of God (see Gen. 1:26; 5:1).

Adam and Eve were not one in their separateness, but one in their married state. Two distinct human beings become one. Are they a unit or a unity? In one sense they are a unit—one whole; and in another sense they are a unity—two coordinated components that function in relation each to the other.

In the marriage relationship husband and wife bring together two components of humanity. This relationship demands that they discover themselves in the context of the other. Each acts as a mirror to the other.

Each a mirror for the other

A mirror is an object in which we can see a reflection of ourselves. Generally we use a mirror to see parts of ourselves that we have no other way of seeing, or to view ourselves from a perspective we do or cannot normally see. We use a mirror after we have done our best to put ourselves in a desirable condition. We also use a mirror because we have a sneaking suspicion that despite our best efforts at self-improvement, something might not be as it should be. We are concerned that someone may see something about us that we are unable to discern. So we refer to a mirror to obtain a second opinion about our appearance.

The mirror provides an objective affirmation that we are OK—that we are now what we have tried to make ourselves. The mirror removes our self-doubt and affirms our acceptability, thus enabling us to serve the world without undue self-doubt or distraction. A mirror may likewise reveal something to us that we had not previously been able to perceive. We can then go about correcting or adjusting ourselves accordingly.

In the same way a healthy marriage relationship provides a unique setting in which spouses can serve as mirrors for each other. We all have blind spots in our self-view. There are weaknesses, mannerisms, or idiosyncrasies that reduce our effectiveness. But because these are so much a part of us and have been for so long, we are often unaware of them. Friends and associates may never mention our weaknesses to us. They want to spare us the pain or embarrassment, or they do not know how to say it without being misunderstood.

Ellen White was aware of the impact a partner in marriage can have on the other, especially when the two are in ministry. "The wife of a minister of the gospel," she wrote, "can be either a most successful helper and a great blessing to her husband or a hindrance to him in his work. It depends very much on the wife whether a minister will rise from day to day in his sphere of usefulness, or whether he will sink to the ordinary level."1 In a committed marriage relationship a spouse can serve as a faithful mirror to help the other partner see a part that he or she has no other way of seeing.

Some time ago our daughter said to my wife, "When Daddy stands up to speak, he first clears his throat." I had not noticed that idiosyncrasy until Angeline shared my daughter's observation with me. In fact I am irritated by that habit in other preachers. Yet it was only when my wife became a mirror to me that she helped me see a part of myself that I have no way of seeing. As a result I am consciously working to overcome that habit.

In my life as a pastor I have very frequently been able to see myself through the eyes of my wife and companion. She has led me to notice and become sensitive to the needs of certain persons—needs that I had been blind to. She has often helped me to polish up ways to communicate in the pulpit. She has helped me to select my clothing to suit certain occasions. At times I have seen my thoughts more clearly as they became reflected in her responses. Sometimes I do not agree with what I see in the mirror, but I am glad she is there. My ministry has been enriched by my loving mirror.

The pastor a mirror for the pastoral spouse

On other occasions I am privileged to act as my wife's mirror. Angeline appreciates my genuine comments on her dress, and she tells me that my comments reassure her more than does the mirror on the bedroom wall. Recently we were in a store where she was trying on a new dress. She said, "If you are happy with how it fits me, I will not need to check in the mirror." That put some pressure on me to be an adequate mirror.

When Angeline is going to give a talk she wants me to hear her ideas and share my evaluation. Many times I have no significant new ideas to share with her, but as she bounces her ideas off on me, she clarifies her own thinking, and can make her presentations with a greater degree of confidence. This works in a reciprocal way for both of us. We both need and benefit from the human mirror that the other is in our ministry.

Dealing with self-doubt

A mirror helps us deal with our self-doubt. Angeline likes to accompany me to speaking appointments whenever she can. That in itself is an affirmation. After the presentation members of the audience generally tell me how much they enjoyed the presentation. But rarely do they tell me where I could improve. However, Angeline expresses her appreciation, and shares with me specific points which appealed to her. She also tells me what she noticed in audience response, and if there are areas that may not have been so clear.

I derive from such mirroring a sense of self-acceptance and confidence. After her input I often go back to a presentation and rework it, and the presentation becomes richer and better.

Receiving criticism is often the lot of people in the parsonage. In most instances criticisms are directed at one or the other member of the ministerial couple. When this happens some pain and self-doubt may result.

We pastors may focus disproportionately on a particular criticism someone has voiced. If we allow it, the criticism can become a source of continuing pain so that our whole ministry becomes jaded. Successes may be overlooked, and opportunities for growth and improvement missed. Our sense of failure may become overwhelming. We may even wonder if there still is a role for us in the ministry. Such self-doubt can bring us into deep despair and pose a threat to our whole ministry, and even our life. At such times, we especially need our spouses as mirrors to help restore perspective and balance.

Self-doubt may afflict us in the areas of our appearance or performance. Society places heavy and often unrealistic demands in these two areas. But what really counts is the opinion of the significant persons in our human network. To a married person, the spouse is that most significant other. We can live with rejection at work or from our parental home and still cope with life. But lack of acceptance by a spouse can be devastating. When a spouse mirrors unconditional acceptance of the mate, it makes a whole world of difference.

How best to effect a mirror relationship

How best can pastoral couples initiate this mirror relationship? Actual settings in which the mirror reflection might be useful are numerous and will vary from couple to couple. What is important is the application of the dynamic concept of mirroring. Here are some useful guidelines.

1. Keep communication channels open. When communication breaks down, the mirror image is distorted. Demanding schedules and duties often remove meaningful communication from our priorities. There simply is no substitute for intimate, personal communication. And the only way to maintain communication is by communicating. Effective communication in the parsonage is more important than effective preaching from the pulpit.

2. Agree to become mirrors to one another. Effective mirroring requires maturity of both the mirror and the one who is mirrored. Each member of the pastoral couple needs to agree consciously to be a mutual mirror. A spoken agreement helps to make it easier for the mirror to take the initiative in revealing to us some area that needs attention. Quality time in focused dialogue helps a couple along the pathway of correlative growth.

3. Develop a team spirit. The pastor and the pastoral spouse are one team, not competitors. The success of one is the success of each and of both. When a part of the team fails, the whole team loses. It is only reason able that as teammates we help one another to be the best players we can be. As we dialogue candidly, openly, and lovingly, we reach heights of growth as a team which we would not have reached in our separateness.

4. Set the atmosphere for mirroring. If I do not stand in a proper position in relation to the mirror, I will not see my reflection in it. Each spouse needs to possess an agreeable and approach able disposition in relation to the other. Perhaps we need frequent periods of quality time away from the limelight of ministry.

We need to come apart by our selves and reflect. We must under stand ourselves in terms of who we are. Who we are is more important than what we do. In fact what we do flows out of who we are. We need time to be us—just us—not us in relation to the members or other recipients of our ministry. We need time to relax and to be truly human.

5. Be loving and honest with each other. Out of respect for us, as we have said, our church members may not mirror back to us areas we need to work on. After all, members are often "distant" friends. As a pastoral couple we may not have "close" friends who can be open with us. There is often a very great distance between the parish and the parsonage. The pastoral couple must of necessity be the closest of friends to each other. And in the setting of that close friendship they must be lovingly honest.

6. Focus on the positive. To grow in a pleasant atmosphere of approval and encouragement is easier than in an arid climate of criticism. We need to mirror one another's areas of strength and growth. Even when negatives must be mentioned let it be in the set ting of positives. Focus on small gains and minor victories. Encourage little dreams and dim possibilities.

Not only are we in the process of becoming what we think we are; we are in the process of becoming who we are told we are. Words are powerful for good or evil. Focus on what you hope by the grace of God your spouse will become, and mirror that prospective image constantly.

7. Spend time together before the Great Mirror Jesus Christ. By beholding Him we are changed into His likeness from glory to glory (2 Cor. 3:18). Beholding Him together as spouses in ministry opens many perspectives for us. When we see each other in Christ, and Christ in each other, we can more easily serve as mirrors to each other. This involves coming to God together both as His children and as His servants. It includes seeking to discover His will and embarking on the adventure of active obedience to Him.

1. Ellen G. White, The Adventist Home (Hagerstown, Md.: Review and Herald Pub. Assn., 1952), 355.


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Joel N. Musvosvi, Ph.D., is the dean of the seminary at the Adventist International Institute for Advanced Studies, Silang, Cavite, Philippines.

December 2001

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