Flirting with the enemy

Why and how does a breach of the marriage covenant occur within ministry? As healthy and normal human beings, ministers are as susceptible to the same causes for troubles in their marriages as the rest of society. But, because the call to ministry affects the person's identity at a deeper level than other professions, some of the causes for unfaithfulness are vocation specific and the reasons behind them are more complex. We will first briefly spell out the causes, to be followed by ministry-specific reasons behind troubles in marriage.

Causes for sexual infidelity

Stress and burnout are the most often cited cause for unfaithfulness in marriage. Sexual satisfaction and the need for intimacy are crowded out of the time and energy pool. The result is a greatly reduced capacity for self-control.

Unreadiness for relationship is another reason. It means that one or both partners do not have what an exclusive, permanent, devout relationship requires. Mental and emotional immaturity, financial insecurity, and an irresponsible attitude toward life's duties form shaky ground for mature relationships.

Sexual fantasies and addictions gnaw on the finest fibers of the marriage bond. Of particular concern is the secret fascination with pornography where an imaginary sex partner, always young, ready, and attractive, overshadows the ebb and flow of a real life relationship.

Spiritual drought drains the soul of flexibility and resilience in the face of hardships and temptations. Joseph's response to Potiphar's wife is very revealing (Gen. 39:9). Only in the context of a close walk with God will sexual misbehavior be seen as sin, as "great wickedness."

Imprudence accounts for many marital tragedies. It can take such forms as naivete, excessive self-assurance, and denial. Many such persons reason: "It won't happen to me" or "Why is it wrong to find support in a devout and sincere friend?" The fact is that no pas tor is exempt from any type of aberrant sexual behavior.¹

Vulnerability² to caring attention and charming and manipulative advances from a person of the other gender can be a very subtle trap. The trouble is that vulnerable people may not be aware of their weakness until caught in the snare.

Midlife crisis brings us to a realization that many of our dreams and hopes will not be fulfilled. Questions such as "Is this it?" or "Is there nothing more to life?" are the silent cries of despair. Many of us may be tempted to seek compensation for what we have "missed" in illicit and immoral relations. Pamela Cooper-White adds several other causes, which include: "low self-esteem; deeply-held traditional values about male and female roles, how ever disguised in liberal rhetoric; poor impulse control; a sense of entitlement, of being 'above the law/ or other narcissistic traits; difficulty accepting responsibility for mistakes and difficulty establishing appropriate intimate relationships and friendships with male peers."⁴

Reasons for sexual misconduct in ministry

By reasons we mean an explanation or motive behind the cause of an action. For example, stress is a major cause for immoral conduct, but reasons which explain stress and ultimately answer the question why is adultery possible in ministry can be many. Here are some of them:

Reasons for stress

• Unrealistic expectations can easily figure as the major reason behind stress in ministry. Just the number of tasks and duties that a pastor is expected to perform at any hour, combined with divergent constituencies to which a pastor is accountable, call for a pause. Pastors are often "in over their heads."⁵ Think of preaching, teaching, socializing within the church and with community, formulating and supporting various projects and ministries, sport with youth, lounging with the old, influencing the young to middle-aged adults. . .

Above all these stands the professional/administrative structure as well. Recently I listened to a tearful tale of a pastor facing his wife's adultery. "I was a 'super pastor' and I neglected my duties as a husband. But what could I do? Imagine the regular pastoral meeting. Each ministry department loaded us with projects, asked us to promote its pro grams, asked for reports, urged us to estimate how much can be accomplished until the next meeting. I felt overburdened to outdo myself each time." As I listened I could not shake a nagging question, Why do we insist on voting Type A, turbo-charged individuals into leadership positions, rather than well-balanced people? Why do we treat hard working and sluggish pastors with the same fare of pressure? While hard work is a virtue, overwork is a vice, so what does it mean to be our brothers' keepers in this case? "As stress increases, one's good judgment decreases." The minister does not see his family deteriorating until it's too late.⁶

Heather Bryce lists several other factors that belong to the category of stressors due to unrealistic expectations.

• "Insufficient income is demeaning and apt to cause strife at home. It can plant doubt about God's sufficiency and care. It can cause a wife to seek outside work, leading to a feeling of distance." This is especially true when a denomination hires a pastoral team because the job fits two, but insufficient funds require that the couple live on one salary.

• "Undefined success in ministry causes further problems. A pastor, like anyone, needs to feel he is succeeding. Success in ministry should not be measured by human standards, but it is. A pastor is always, and especially at midlife, battling to feel he has done well."

• "Then there is the 'professional license' to keep secrets, which reflects itself in conversations like this:

"'Who did you talk to today, Dear?' "

'People with problems, as usual.'

"'Like who?' "

'It is best you don't know, OK?'

"In order not to spend all her time jealous, curious, or angry, a pastor's wife has to give her husband to his work— almost to the point of not caring."⁷

Relationships

• Poor or nonexistent modeling at home. Spouses who grew up in a one-parent family, or without parents at all, live with deficiencies of healthy male or female role-models at home. Similar needs surface with spouses coming from abusive and dysfunctional families.

• Inability to reconcile the demands of ministry with marital life. Often it is the question of poor prioritization of values, but there are other reasons as well. For example, the sensual and exploitative image of women and sex, as propagated by the secular culture, cannot fit well within the pastoral marriage. I have counseled with pastors whose mind could not bear the tension between their low view of sexuality and the pastoral role of moral purity.

Vulnerable spots

• The unresolved traumas from the past may cause unfaithfulness in marriage. They create weaknesses and sensitivities of which the person may not be aware until temptation hits. We think of untreated memories of abuse, of hurtful dating experiences, of painful divorces. In times of rejection or injustice in professional life the memories of rejections in the past may flare up. Not wanting to share such humiliating feelings with his wife or a trusted same-gender friend, the pastor will try to keep it within his office and open himself vulnerable to a loyal and supportive secretary who knows the situation.

Power

• The power and opposite gender. Powerful people fascinate the opposite gender. Because the pastor is in charge, he is an expert and, to a certain extent, he wields power even over their husbands.⁸ Abuse begins when the pastor uses his position for personal advantage, to satisfy his needs, especially when such needs belong within the bonds of marriage.

• Manipulation. Power allows a minister to influence a potential secret relationship with a member because of his access to privileged information about her.

• Credibility and reputation may intimidate the victim not to report the inappropriate behavior. Who will believe an "ordinary" member's com plaint against a minister's word?

• Entitlement. Power may inflate the pastor's belief that he has the right to some "innocent" escapades and to relate to others as if he is "above the law."⁹

Karen Lebacqz makes this insightful comment: "The fact that professional power is legitimated and institutionalized has tended to blind us to the importance of the mere existence of that power. Precisely because it is legitimate power—authority—we forget that there is a significant power gap between professional and client. We also forget that it is a type of power that is very difficult for clients to overcome. The vulnerability of client to professional differs from the vulnerability of friend to friend: the professional cannot only hurt my feelings, but has legitimated, institutionalized power to make significant changes in my life."¹⁰

Trust

Ministry is a position of trust. Even on the first day in a district, people will approach us with amazing confidence. As a young pastor I had to adjust to the fact that much older and mature members wanted my counsel and guidance in the issues that belong to their station in life. The trust in the profession and the confidence built up by my predecessors rested on my shoulders, and I had to show myself trustworthy. A member of the other gender will seldom broach the personal and confidential themes with other people, even professionals, as easily as with the pastor.

Marie M. Fortune describes the case of Dr. Peter Donovan of the First Church of Newburg, and the prerogatives he enjoyed once he won the trust of his church and of the denominational administration: (1) Donovan had access to the women of First Church; (2) he had the prerogative to initiate contact with them; (3) he had reason for regular visitations to conduct church business; (4) the women did not use the same good judgment about him as they would have used with someone else; (5) they did not seek help from the outside for fear of not being believed; (6) the women preferred to "save the church family" by keeping the "family secret."¹¹

These then are some observed causes, and the reasons behind them which may result in adultery in ministry. There is yet another angle from which we need to approach this issue: the manner in which sexual infidelity occurs.

How does adultery occur?

Sexual affairs do not just happen, they are not inevitable, nor can we simply blame biology. Some fatalism comes from long-entrenched cultural conditioning, and some from the assumption that biology drives the way men and women behave sexually.¹² But the fact is that behind most, if not every, immoral act, there is a history, a context from which such conduct springs. The causes collude together with several reasons; even when both actors are completely surprised and baffled at what happened, a closer look will discover some form of flirting with the enemy. An act of sexual infidelity is most likely a terminus of a longer journey.

Another important feature of fornication and adultery is that the first steps in the journey are very subtle and inno cent. Often only later on, the person will realize being trapped in a relation ship from which there is no easy way out. We will attempt to unmask some of the snares.

1. The mixed signals trap. Suppose I shake hands with an attractive member of the congregation, and she holds my hand a little tighter and a second or two longer. She didn't think or mean to do it. Perhaps she was distracted, or some thing I said that day had an impact in a unique way. But I get a message that she likes holding my hand. I wonder why? Next time I see her, she smiles and says "Hi." I hear in it a connotation, an intriguing tone. Immediately I put together the handshake and the "Hi" as something just between "us."

Halt! Right there! This is dangerous. From here on it will be downhill. A tiny spider-web-size lace is between us. Soon the spinning will commence and then the web. Even if this is only in my mind, even if she has no clue what is happening in my cortex, my responses might put some ideas into hers. And if that happens, just when she is stressed and when I battle with midlife issues, the risks are too high.

2. The nonchalance trap. I have just come into my new parish. For the first time in my life I see the faces of my congregation. As I scan the audience I wonder who will work well with me, who among them carries incredible bur dens, who is on the fringes, and who are the stalwart conservatives. But I look with my male eyes also. I notice the old, the kids, the men, the women, and yes, those attractive to me. Then I realize what has happened. I noticed some as attractive. In humility and prudence I confess and pray: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me" (Ps. 51:10). I consciously decide to be careful and prudent but also nice to them. And this is good. Such direct and outright decision, when habitual, can prove a strong ally. "Susceptibility to sexual sin begins of course, with attraction."¹³ But what about those who to me are not particularly pleasing? Many adulterous affairs involve precisely this second group of sisters in Christ. With my guard down, I am vulnerable to temptation.

3. The illicitness trap. There is definitely something fascinating and stimulating about wrongness. First, it is because immediate consequences are not that bad. The surprising thing is that when an illicit relationship devel ops, at first things go better for both. The relationship with both spouses may revive, the pastor's sermons sound fresh and insightful, even his sermons about sin and illicit connections sound convincing and fresh. His energy level is amazingly high, and how can anyone, at face value, judge the friendship with another woman as evil or sinful?¹⁴

4. The soul mate trap. We click together like hand in glove. She intuits me like no one else. What is wrong with bearing one another's burdens (Gal. 6:2)? She is just a soul mate. Here is when everything should stop. My wife must know that I need her to be my soul mate. We must explore why if this is not the case anymore.

5. The acquaintance trap. I've known her since she was a child. I know her siblings and parents. She could be my daughter. It is so nice to become reacquainted and close again. She opened right up, especially when I reminded her of some good times our two families had together. She always was a charmer. True, we did not see each other ever since she was in grade school, but there can be nothing romantic between this young lady in her prime and this old man.

Halt! I do not know her. She is not a little girl anymore. If I held her in my lap then, and even stroked her hair then, now is a different thing with me and with her. Young ladies often have an attraction to older, mature, situated, recognized, father-figure men. And vice versa.

Desmond Morris has described in detail the emotional road to intimacy, whether in legitimate courtship or in illicit sexual affairs: (1) Eye to body contact; (2) eye to eye contact. First hints of attraction are nascent here or this is the end. (3) voice to voice; (4) hand to hand. It might be just a "helping hand." (5) hand to shoulder. A feeling of "buddy" type relationship. (6) arm to waist. Seriously romantic expression. (7) face to face. Here the sexual connotations become more evident. (8) hand to head. Caressing. (9) hand to body; (10) mouth to breast; (11) touching below the waist; and (12) intercourse.

Ultimate cause, ultimate reason

There are no final causes, there are no absolute reasons for sexual infidelity in ministry. No one can cause us to fornicate, and no one can give us indisputable reasons for adultery. The above partial Catalonia, and even any complete list, is but what can be observed in real life, but that is neither normal nor normative. There is nothing that can wrestle us down to prostitute our sacred marriage covenant except if our relationship with Cod is weak or superficial. God has everything to do with our faithfulness to our spouses. Ask Abimelech the king of Gerar (Gen. 20), check with Joseph (Gen. 39:6-12), consult with Eli the priest (1 Sam. 2:25), and inquire of David the king (Ps. 51:4). They will tell us.

My wife is God's private property, and so am I. The only reason we do not trespass His privacy in our relationship is because we both made a sacred covenant and pledged in His presence to love and cherish only each other until death do us part. Every other human being is also in His ownership. We dare not take liberty to intrude, to defraud Him of His sacred possession with impunity.

God has not capitulated before sexual sin! Not yet! Not ever! His hand is mightier than sex. He can hold us safely within the scars of His Son's hands, protect our vulnerabilities, heal our wounds, and strengthen our weaknesses. The only real cause that can make us sin, the only real reason that can explain our fall is when we, pastors, do not remain in communion with our Chief Shepherd, Jesus. That is the cause of all causes, and reason of all reasons.

Precautions to take

Lois Mowday Rabey has this to say in terms of prevention: "If you are in a vulnerable situation, recognize that your judgment may be impaired. Determine to live by biblical standards no matter how tough the situation gets. Look for rationalization in your thinking. Don't allow yourself to rationalize ungodly behavior for any reason. Move slowly and cautiously in making any decisions. Seek counsel from trusted friends who are committed Christians walking closely with the Lord. Decrease your workload if at all possible. Enter into a relationship of accountability with a friend who has a mature Christian walk with the Lord. Maintain the basics: Stay in the Word, have quiet times, pray, and be in the fellowship of believers who are walking with the Lord. Do not take even a small step in the direction of a relationship that may lead to ungodly behavior. Pray for protection, pray for discernment, and pray for rest. Draw close to the Lord in ways that allow you to begin to feel His presence. Abide, read, talk to Him, think about Him, focus on Jesus."¹⁵