The top seven ingredients of staying power

Pastoral marriages face extraordinary challenges. What is the "glue" that keeps them together?

Branimir Schubert, DMin, is vicechancellor, Pacific Adventist University, Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea.

One morning after entering my office and checking my emails, I noticed one from my son Filip, who now lives in Australia, describing his first year at the university. In the room next door was my wife, Daniela, to whom I have been married for 20 years. I am as passionate about her and love her as much—and more—than on the day we said “I do.” Miraculously, she feels the same about me.

Our youngest son, Timi, just a short while ago ran out of the house (with his cricket bat, of course), yelling, “Bye, love you.” Now he sits in his high school classroom, 20 minutes away from us, doing something he will tell us about later today at the dinner table.

Staying power

Our circumstances work against us, but we have staying power, and that works for us. My wife and I have diametrically opposite personalities, come from different social backgrounds, have moved ten times in 20 years, and have lived and worked in five different countries. I love the changes and new challenges; my wife loves stability and long-term commitment. We experience God in different ways, and we interpret “reality” through different lenses.

And so many times there seemed to be sufficient reasons to allow our differences to drive a wedge between us.

However, as I reflect on this staying power that we seem to have, I realize that the only contribution I can claim is that my presence in this family necessitated a huge outpouring of God’s grace in order for us to stay together as a happy family. Have I contributed anything else? As I was reflecting on this, I decided to ask my family what has kept us together. I wrote a letter to our two sons and my wife asking them to tell me the top seven reasons why our family has stayed together in spite of our differences and constantly changing circumstances.

I expected to wait for at least a week for the answers to come. Amazingly, my wife sent her reply back within an hour. The moment our younger son came from school, he filled in the seven blank spots and handed the sheet back to me. The next day, our other son sent an email indicating that within a day I would get my answers.

The following are the seven answers (ingredients) I received from my family. Perhaps you will find them helpful. After all, the institution of marriage is under constant attack, and anything that will tip the balance in the favor of married couples should be considered.

Choice

Our deliberate choice to be a family has resulted in our staying together. Daniela said, “If we wanted to separate, we could find many reasons to do so, but we chose not to and found enough reasons to stay together.” Timi said that in spite of many changes and challenges, “we love each other and stick with one another.” He further emphasized that the circumstances we have been facing thus far have “put us more together.” He also said that our choice of staying together has to do with our choice to “believe in God,” and He made our family a “major success story.” Filip also reflected on the importance of allowing God to be “our Guide.” He perceived that God has blessed us as a family, and one of those blessings “is being a strong family.”

It seems that a two-fold choice made a difference. We as a family chose to be together, and at the same time we allow God to add His blessing and protection over our family.

I remember our engagement. Immediately after our graduation, my dad, an ordained minister, took Daniela and me for a walk around the lake. After the walk, I promised Daniela I would be a good and faithful husband. I promised my parents that I would take care of my future wife, and I made the same promise to her parents.Finally, I made a promise to God that my choice and our decision were permanent.

From that moment onward, we had to face many difficult years of adjustments, hurts, arguments, and misunderstandings, but never did we consider giving up being husband and wife. The choice to stay together made other choices imperative: to work things through, to explore possible solutions, to be patient and allow for growth. Our choice was not negotiable, and in the context of our marriage being secure, we have addressed other issues while growing into a strong family.

Respect

Definitions can be tricky. While meanings become clarified, they also, at times, limit the term and leave us with a narrow view. When my family talks about respect, they describe it as an attitude of esteem. In our context, this means paying proper attention and consideration to others. From what they say, respect remains crucial if the family commits to staying together.

Timi says it most succinctly: “We respect each other and others’ opinions. When we show respect, it is given back to us.” More specifically, Filip talks about the fact that we respected his needs for good education and a proper environment in which to grow up. He also adds that we were supportive and have given advice but have also allowed him to learn some lessons on his own.

It appears that over the years we have developed the ability to “esteem one another” by paying proper attention to each others’ needs. By what we say and do, we try to communicate the importance and value of each member of the family. We acknowledge our differences and respect them. Our understanding of those differences creates an environment in which respect can be appropriately demonstrated.

I admit that it is extremely difficult for me to show respect to my wife because of our differences. I am impulsive and make decisions fast. She is analytical and considers every possible angle and possibility— which makes me more impatient and frustrated. But because we have learned to respect each other, we can now read the circumstances and let our differences play in our favor. When fast decisions are needed, I am respected by being allowed to make them. When more thought needs to be given and other options explored, I respect my wife by allowing enough time for this process to take place.

One more thing: Respect does not always mean agreement. Often Filip and Timi make decisions with which we disagree, but we respect those choices. This allows an environment conducive to open discussions of the implications and perhaps points to better options.

Tolerance

Tolerance has many aspects. In the world of physics, tolerance means the “capacity to endure pain or hardship.”1 No family can stay together without a high degree of tolerance—pain and hardships affect every family. The ability to deal with such conditions keeps families from disintegrating.

As a family we have traveled a lot. We have lived in various cultures and have had to adapt to new environments and were always graciously accepted and welcomed. We also learned that to survive in a different culture, there must be tolerance. Daniela said that as a family we “keep in mind each others’ needs.” She also perceptively explained that “when you are in a new place, you don’t demand to have your own way, but try to fit in.”

There’s nothing wrong with expressing your needs or views. On the contrary, this indicates a healthy family relationship. Demanding that your needs be priority and imposing your views creates stress, and many families experience testing beyond what they can withstand.

Authenticity

Being who you are stays as something most important in the family. You can fool people outside your home for a long period of time, but those closest to you can see the real you. Christian leaders particularly should pay attention to this aspect of “staying power.” Publicly, they articulate values, explain ethical and moral principles, and call for purity and holiness. Privately, they may struggle with practicing what they preach.

In Daniela’s opinion, we, as a family, are who we are “regardless of other people’s ideas and expectations of us.” She added, “We are at home the same people as [we are] outside.”

Being authentic inspires trust among the members of the family. Timi feels that “we can trust each other on important things, like backing each other up. If you trust someone, you want to talk to them and share your secrets with them.” Authentic relationships foster trust, and trust is the foundational material for good relationships.

Filip’s perceptions are that the “parents set a good example.” About his mother, he continued by saying that she “was always honest and very generous. She set an example of how to treat each other.” He also stated, concerning me, that I “set the example of leadership, trust and hard work.”

More than once Filip has commented on a sermon I preached and challengedsome of my assertions of how I apply them in my life. I would then explain that sometimes preachers preach the ideal without necessarily practicing it . . .but then I have to simply confess that I was preaching to myself more than to anyone else.

Community

“Families that pray together, stay together,” is a well-known Christian cliché. Here is another one: “Families that play together, stay together.” Not only play, but “do stuff” together, whatever that includes.

Daniela observes that “we do things together: wash dishes, cook, make the bed, mow grass, travel, drive, eat, read stories, pray, play . . .” Most of our everyday activities can be translated into “community events.”

She also says that we “talk about issues.” Any issues: dissatisfactions, joys, likes and dislikes, religion, sex, and other topics—a sign of a healthy community. We take the time to look at old photos or watch videos, and to tell family stories.

Filip brought the spiritual aspect of the community into focus. He noted that “we always had God as our Guide and He gave us many blessings, one of them being a strong family.” In other words, God remains as part of our “family community.”

Humor

This aspect of staying power may not be as essential as other aspects, but it was strongly emphasized by Timi. “We are together,” he said, “because we are humorous. Laughing all the time and making jokes keeps many bad thoughts running away from us.” He added, “Many people wouldn’t think this is part of our sticking together but I think it is.” And I agree with him.

We have learned to laugh at everything: from watching a TV show (or criticizing it because of poor acting) to watching each other. We tease one another, finding something we can make fun of.

Teasing, however, can easily backfire. Sometimes a joke can offend, and teasing can go too far. But families that stay together tend to know the boundaries so that the risks of hurting another person become minimal.

Any situation has a humorous side to it—it’s all a matter of perspective. Families with staying power have this wonderful ability to discover the funny side of life, and that acts as additional glue binding them together.

Grace

Has my family painted an unrealistic picture of who we are? Maybe so. We have to remember that the question was “why are we still together?” If other questions were asked, additional sides to our family would have been discovered. And some of those might be sides of which we are not necessarily very proud.

Tense moments exist at times. Disagreements lead to “silent treatments” and unhappy faces. Differences in personalities and human selfishness cause hurts and even tears. No, we are not a perfect family. We do not laugh all the time; we do not exemplify the perfect community. Sometimes our tolerance is very thin, and the respect is not so obvious. But, we are still together. Why?

I believe this is all God’s grace. Somehow, our family became the place where God decided to grow all the elements of staying power—elements we did not have in and of ourselves. Because we individually and collectively chose God, He in turn chose us and made sure that all the ingredients necessary for keeping us together are there—slowly developing over the years and now being transmitted to the next generation through our children.

Conclusion

By God’s grace we have stayed together with that staying power found in clear commitment to each other and to our God. With my family I have discovered that staying power resides in God’s commitment to us and our surrender to that commitment. Ultimately, our staying power resulted in our response to the gift that God has given to us as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.


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Branimir Schubert, DMin, is vicechancellor, Pacific Adventist University, Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea.

October 2006

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