Though I have spent many hours counseling people who say that they want to save or improve their marriage, I often discover that what many really wanted was some justification to end the marriage. These people were hoping I would be so convinced that their marriage was beyond repair that I would encourage them to end it. Though encountering some seriously damaged marriages, I have not found one beyond repair if both people are willing to try to make the marriage work.
I have learned one thing about life that applies very well to marriage too: You cannot take people where they do not want to go. When people are convinced their marriage is over, either they will have to change their mind or God will have to intervene. I have seen both happen, but if neither does, the time in counseling may be wasted.
With that perspective in mind, I have learned to ask three powerful questions during the counseling session that help me to quickly determine how serious the couple are about saving or improving their marriage.
Although I have used these questions in a counseling setting, they are also very good for any couple who wants to take their marriage to a deeper level of commitment and intimacy. These questions can be self-applied by each individual or by the couple, but it is helpful if the couple allows another person, perhaps a minister or close friend, to ask these questions and guide them through the discussion of their answers.
Where do you want this marriage to go?
You have to know where you want to go before you can develop a plan to get there. Many couples have never talked about what they want out of a marriage. One person may think living two separate lives within the same house comprises a marriage while the other wants to share everything. Many people, especially men, think that if there isn’t much fighting in the marriage, the marriage must be doing well while the other person in the relationship wants deeper intimacy.
With a marriage in trouble, one person may have already decided he or she wants out. Until that is known, any attempt to help the couple will flounder. Getting people to be truly honest in answering this question can be considered critical. I usually ask people to take a few days to answer this question, to search their hearts and pray about their true feelings. As hard as this question can be, I have been surprised many times how this question opens a dialogue that leads to an understanding of the true condition of the marriage.
How are you going to get there?
Once a couple knows what they want in their marriage, the next step involves developing a plan to get there. Even so, having developed a plan, a couple cannot implement that plan until all three questions are answered. Sometimes couples want to jump straight into the solutions, but if each person’s heart is not into the changes, they will be short-lived.
Taking the goals each person has for the marriage, the couple then thinks through what must occur in the marriage in order for each goal to be realized. If the couple wants their relationship with each other to be continually growing closer, for example, then the couple might need to plan more time to be alone with each other. It’s difficult to grow closer to someone you never see.
Some couples I know have used this question combined with the first question to come to an understanding of how their attitudes and the things they say play a part in building or hurting the marriage. Using this strategy, a couple constantly criticizing each other will quickly see that such actions do not improve the marriage. Constant criticism certainly will not help the couple take the marriage where they say they want it to go.
Detailed answers to the questions should be written down and agreed upon by each person. Again, a third party assisting is helpful, for that person can then keep the list for future referenceand ask the couple on a regular basis if they are operating from the plan.
Are you truly willing to do whatever it takes to get to the place you want to be in your marriage?
This question cannot be answered until the other two questions have been resolved. When I have asked couples, Are you truly willing to do whatever it takes to get to the place you want to be in your marriage? I have had people say to me, “Well, of course I am willing to do what it takes. Would I be here if I weren’t?” That’s a fair question, but if most of us were really willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, it probably wouldn’t have degenerated as far at it already has.
People are usually willing to do the things that they want to do; likewise, they aren’t willing to do what they don’t want to. That may sound like common sense, but the importance should not be underestimated. This third question helps to shake out the truth of the other two. Sometimes the first two questions can be answered easily, but this third question forces the person to take another serious look inside their heart.
Conclusion
These questions are not intended as a shortcut to professional counseling, for many couples need counseling to work through deeper or more serious issues. These questions will, however, provide couples with a basic understanding of the current condition of their marriage. They can be helpful at any stage of marriage, and, regardless of the condition of the marriage, they can assist in encouraging any marriage to grow in strength and intimacy.
