Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs demonstrates that once a person moves beyond assuring the essentials to sustain life and safety, the next priority is to “belong.” Further, the more change or trauma individuals have experienced, the greater their likely need for a new “reference group identification.” For new church members the need to belong is essential.1
Thus, congregations should intentionally establish new fellowship groups as membership expands. This will enable people to continue to feel a part of the fellowship family even as the church grows, allow the church to grow without major resistance, provide the setting in which people are tied into the Word of God, and help with the assimilation of new members.2
The probability of new members becoming actively involved is directly tied to the number of friends that they develop soon after joining the church. Flavil Yeakley interviewed 50 new members who had become actively incorporated into the life of the church as well as 50 recent converts who had dropped out. The more quickly new members formed personal relationships within the congregation, the more likely they were to become active and involved. The converts who stayed had developed an average of more than seven new friends in the church. Those who dropped out could identify an average of fewer than two.3
Another study asked two questions of those who had recently departed: (1) Why did they drop out? The answer regularly given was, “Did not feel part of the group.” (2) What would most influence their choice of a new church home? Nearly 75 percent responded with “friendliness of the people.”4
Members in the churches from which these new members dropped out most likely did not consider themselves unfriendly. New members are not necessarily overtly rejected. Quite often there is a superficial level of friendliness. In fact, most congregations would be shocked if they were described as unfriendly.
Friendliness is different, however, from being friend-seeking. Common courtesy and genteel manners will lead a group of people to act in a friendly manner. On the other hand, the real message that may be conveyed is “Please don’t bother me with depth beyond superficial greeting.” One new member in my former congregation stated, “I get the real impression that when someone asks how I’m doing they really don’t want to know and would be shocked if I even attempted to tell them. They are expressing a friendly greeting, but they don’t want to be my friend.”
We should not be surprised if new members reject superficial courtesy offered in lieu of genuine friendship. As Ken Abraham observed: “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.”5
With regard to nurturing people into the life of the body, too many of our churches are better in form than in reality. We say the right things, but we don’t provide loving, supportive relationships to back up our words. We may think we are friendly while, in fact, guests or new members do not sense a loving atmosphere at all.
Nelson Annan suggests a six-step approach toward nurturing friendship-building, inclusive relationships:
1. Communicate love. Some leaders may be strong in organizing, teaching, and leading committee meetings, but weak when it comes to relating to people. Leaders must not only love the flock, but effectively communicate that love.
2. Preach and teach love. Challenging the church to grow in love for God, for one another, and for the world around them is the pastor’s privilege and responsibility.
3. Emphasize friendliness and warmth. People-oriented members who smile, love to talk, and remember names should be trained to greet visitors and intentionally nurture new believers.
4. Follow up first-time visitors. Cultivate friendships with guests; extend lunch invitations; telephone to express pleasure for their visit; mail a warm note to encourage return attendance; make a personal visit to build the bridge of friendship and, possibly, to share the gospel.
5. Broaden internal groups to make new people feel like they belong. Newcomers should be surrounded with warmth and made to feel welcome. Additionally, this atmosphere must be genuine or it quickly will be detected as artificial.
6. Strengthen and increase social events. In loving churches people spend time together outside of the church building. In order to build relationships, more time is needed than ten minutes before or after meetings. Create unique ways to bring dozens of people together to play and laugh, to work and serve, and to learn and pray together.6
Your objective is for people to say of your congregation, “This is where I belong!”
1 Flavil Yeakley, “A Profi le of the New Convert: Change in Life Situation,” published in The Pastor’s Church
Growth Handbook, Vol. 2, Win Arn and Charles Arn, editors (Pasadena, CA: Institute of American Church Growth, 1979), 31.
2 Kent R. Hunter, Foundations for Church Growth (New Haven, MO: Leader Publishing Co., 1973), 155.
3 The Pastor’s Church Growth Handbook, Vol. 2, 179.
4 Ibid.
5 Ken Abraham, The Disillusioned Christian (San Bernardino, CA: Here’s Life Publishers, 1991), 127.
6 Nelson Annan, More People: Is Church Growth Worth It? (Wheaton, IL: Harold Shaw Publishers, 1987), 37–40
