Many of us in pastoral ministry have felt the need to read literature that helps us understand the grieving process that so many of our parishioners, neighbors, and friends go through when faced with the death of a loved one.
These resources, along with the compassion of friends and colleagues, helped me through the trauma of the death of my mom and later my dad. They equipped me to help friends, neighbors, church members, and students face the emotional roller coaster that accompanies the death of a friend, family member, spouse—until . . .

The sudden loss
Less than two years ago, after 50 years of marriage, my wife, May-Ellen, died unexpectedly. The sudden loss was much more to me than the loss of a spouse. It was the loss of a life-long colleague in ministry, a soulmate, a fellow missionary. I had my family nearby and hundreds of friends praying and comforting me, but I had to grapple with the loss at a much different level than ever before. I went back to the books on the shelves of my library. I refreshed my memory on much that I had learned. I availed myself of professional counseling sessions. The support system around me has been wonderful.
Then, recently, I had the privilege of getting a prepublication copy of Love Is! A Journey of Grief, Grace, and Gratitude, by Frank Hasel, PhD, with a request to write a review. Little did I realize that it would be much more than an academic exercise for me. Unlike the many candid and open Christian books on loss and grief on the market today, Love Is! stands out.
Sharing thoughts and experiences
The book tells the story of the author’s wife, Ulrike, who died of cancer over a decade ago. Hasel shares the grief over that loss honestly, acknowledging that “every suffering, every pain, and every significant loss in life is unique” (1). Yet, as I read his unique story, I found new meaning in my own path of grief. This was facilitated by the fact that Hasel often suspends his narrative to reflect on deeper dimensions of thoughts and feelings that connect with my own unique story.
Hasel’s narrative led me to reflect on my experiences of uncertainty, my frustration during times of waiting, my paralysis of analysis, my quest to envision a clear path into the future. Then I sighed when I read, “More important than knowing where He leads me is who leads me” (13).
Love Is! is much more than a story of love, loss, grief, and memories. Hasel teaches lessons about dealing with well-meaning unsolicited advice, traps we fall into when trying to explain the unexplainable, the futility of “what-if” thinking. In his musings and personal reflections, I found comfort in the fact that my unexpressed emotions are normal, and I do not stand alone. The poetry, biblical counsel, emotion wrapped in logic, and context of experiencing loss as a family unit are all part of the gift I received in reading this book.
Shared advice
In addition to the inner emotional and spiritual musings in the personal experience of losing a spouse, Hasel shares advice that helps people talk about death and grieving. death and grieving. Those experiencing loss also will discover strategies that will help them communicate their own feelings to themselves and those supporting them.
I recommend this book to anyone who has lost (or is in the process of losing) a loved one and to pastors, church members, teachers, neighbors, and friends who find themselves supporting someone going through the trauma of the death of a loved one—particularly the death of a spouse.