Sexual intimacy:

How long have you been intimate?”

The unmarried couple squirmed uncomfortably.

“About four months,” the young lady finally blurted out. She paused. “I’m also pregnant.”

This scenario is not unusual in pastoral ministry—a couple barely out of their teens in a sexual relationship with an unplanned pregnancy. But what came next took me by surprise.

“We’ve considered getting married,” the young man added earnestly. “But whatever we do, we agree on this: we’re not going to stop having sex.”

She affirmed this with a vigorous nod.

“So we want your advice,” he continued, “but don’t expect to change our minds on our right to intimacy.”

Our sexually driven society

This story raises a number of issues. Who determines what is appropriate sexual conduct? The couple? Society? The church? Unless we have a clear understanding of healthy sexual boundaries, we will end up with a free-for-all approach that both cheapens sex and creates tremendous heartache for everyone involved.

We live in a highly sexualized society that uses sex to sell everything from burgers to websites. But that same society simultaneously declares sex a private issue, “nobody else’s business” except the individuals immediately involved. When I surveyed university students about the development of a new sexual integrity policy, one common response was, “The university should stay out of students’ private lives. They don’t need to know what goes on in the bedroom.” It seems old-fashioned and overly Puritan even to declare that the Bible should have moral authority for our sexuality. But without biblical guidance from sexuality’s Designer, we are left sinking in a quagmire of confusion and heartache. Look at the wreckage out there precisely because people have violated biblical principles.

What does the Bible say?

Sex was God’s idea and design. He declared that every creation was good—but when He commanded a sexual couple to be fruitful and multiply, He said that was “very good.” Clearly, God values intimacy.

I sometimes ask couples who come for premarital counseling, “What is good sex?” The world defines good sex in terms of intense pleasure. But the Bible indicates God’s broader, better goal. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to [be glued to] his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).¹ The purpose of sex is more than pleasure—it is connection.

Truly good sex fuses a husband and wife into “one flesh,” transcending the gap between separate human beings. Bonding chemicals are released as the couple experiences deep intimacy. In intimacy, we share ourselves. “Sex was created by God to be a physical expression of the emotional and spiritual oneness of the couple, and the deepest form of intimate communication. Here we can bring our vulnerability, our bodies, our complete selves and offer them as [a] gift to the other.”²

Sex is about connection, but it is also more. The triune God designed intimacy to reflect Himself, to demonstrate His plurality-in-oneness in His creation of humanity. Every facet of intimacy should, therefore, reflect God’s love.

Good sex is a ministry to one’s spouse. Eagerly consenting, mutually pleasurable marital sex is not about either partner using the other’s body for selfish gratification. It asks, “How can I serve? How can this act bring us closer and help you feel my love?” Sex is designed for pleasure, but the greatest satisfaction is in each bonding with and delighting their spouse.

Selfish sex, even within marriage, is about using others instead of loving them—selfish people seeking pleasure by fulfilling personal fantasies at the expense of the other. Pornography, masturbation, and sexual fantasy are all empty, bent on a self-centeredness that flies directly in the face of God’s beautiful plan for sexuality. Biblical sex is so much better because it is about two people loving each other, mutually ministering to achieve the delightful goal of deep, exclusive oneness.

Intimacy as covenant

To accomplish the Designer’s goals, sex must be protected by covenant. The covenantal language found in Genesis 2—“bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh”—is the ancient equivalent of “in sickness (flesh) and in health (bone).”³ Sex outside of marriage covenant is strongly prohibited in the Bible, as are all forms of sexual immorality (Exod. 20:14; Heb. 13:4).

Why would God place a boundary around sex, commanding that this pleasurable activity be “off limits” for those not in a covenant relationship with one another? The divine purpose of sex—the “naked and not ashamed” intimacy God designs—can be accomplished only within the bonds of loving marital sexual expression. A covenant relationship protects the couple through a lifelong commitment that provides security for both them and the children, should they come.

Theologian Todd Wilson explains it this way. “Because marriage is a comprehensive uniting of lives, it must be total and complete at any given moment in time—that is, exclusive. . . . You can share a meal or a car ride or a phone call with another person. But if you share your body, you will destroy your marriage.”⁴

Covenantal understanding transforms sexual purpose from self-gratification to sacrificial love. According to Pastor Tim Keller, a covenant relationship “is the very opposite of a consumer-vendor relationship, in which the connection is maintained only if it serves both parties’ self-interest. A covenant, by contrast, is the solemn, permanent, whole self-giving of two parties to each other.”⁵ Engaging in sex outside of a committed covenant reveals that I am more passionate about pursuing my personal desires than about the other person’s best interests.

God designed covenantal marriage to be permanent and exclusive. As Jesus strongly expressed, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt. 19:6). In contrast, contemporary society encourages personal growth at the expense of permanent commitment. Many couples move in together prior to marriage, sometimes even exploring “open” relationships in the hope of finding a more personally fulfilling approach outside of God’s design. Pastor Sam Allberry critiques this view by using an analogy of Post-it notes that lose their stickiness. “The more that union is forged and then broken, the more our capacity for deep and abiding unity is diminished.”⁶

Broken cisterns

The pursuit of sexual expression outside of the covenant of marriage is rooted in the belief that sex is for pleasure and personal fulfillment. However, this is a trap. Rather than leading to freedom, it leads to addiction. Pornography or an affair may give a temporary high, but inevitably, these broken cisterns fail to quench our thirst (Jer. 2:13).

As speaker Paul David Tripp points out, “Sex is powerfully pleasurable, but it cannot satisfy your heart. . . . Looking to creation to get what only the Creator can give you always results in addiction of some kind. The thing you hoped would serve you pulls you into its service. What seemed like freedom ends up being bondage.”⁷ Self-centered sex will ultimately be unsatisfying because it violates God’s design for sex.

God’s design for sex between a husband and wife in a covenant relationship is not a killjoy. Rather, it protects sex from descending into idolatry and addiction.

For example, in Corinth Paul condemned the pursuit of sexual freedom. “ ‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial” (1 Cor. 6:12, NIV). Predictably, postmodern sexual freedom has landed us in a terrible mess. “Porn isn’t hurting anyone” eventually becomes “I hate the destruction porn is wreaking in my home, heart, and the world, but I can’t stop.” So-called freedom forges the chains of enslaving addiction. Biblical sexual freedom accepts that God owns our bodies and they are sacred (vv. 19, 20). Freedom is found in following Paul’s admonition, “Flee sexual immorality!” (v. 18, NKJV).

What’s OK in marriage?

The husband who leaves a stressful workday hoping for sex that evening with his wife only to disrupt her evening with a petty dispute may predictably be disappointed when he crawls between the sheets that night. Pressuring his wife with unscientific fallacies such as men “needing” sex every three days to resist temptation—or misusing Scripture to demand his “rights”—might give him success in his quest for access to her body. But will this bond their souls in mutual joy or drive her heart further away by making her feel used? Such behavior would violate God’s core purpose in giving the gift of sex.

Does this mean a spouse is justified in manipulatively withholding sex? Of course not; however, a lack of sexual desire on either part should be recognized as a sign that deep emotional intimacy might be lacking. A health checkup or a few counseling sessions would be a much wiser response than emotional pressure. In a loving covenant marriage, sex is not a “right” or a tool of manipulation.

What principles should govern married sexual expression? I have found the following five questions to be helpful in answering this question.

1. Is it healthful? Since our bodies are temples of God, we must avoid unhealthful sexual activities. Sex that could put either partner at physical risk (such as anal sex) is therefore off-limits.
2. Is it consensual? We should respect the freedom of others to say no. No one should be pressured to participate in a sexual act that they dislike or violates their conscience. Creativity in the bedroom should never be an excuse for one person to coerce another to fulfill their fantasies.
3. Is it kind? “Love is patient and kind” (1 Cor. 13:4). Largely due to pornography, even Christians sometimes engage in slapping, choking, or domination play. These activities misrepresent God’s love and have no place in the Christian bedroom.
4. Does it promote unity and closeness? If the goal of sex is connection, only sexual activities that promote “one flesh” unity should be allowed. At the end of the sexual act, both spouses should feel cherished, not used or conquered.
5. Does it involve other people? Jesus maintained that even a lustful look at someone else was a form of adultery (Matt. 5:28). Threesomes, viewing pornography, or fantasizing about others violates God’s purpose of uniting two people as one. The couple should focus on bonding with each other.

A reflection

The biblical view of “good sex” is infinitely more fulfilling than what the world has to offer. Rather than seeing sex as a selfish right to seek pleasure, the Bible portrays sex as a reflection of the self-sacrificing love of God Himself. In the sexual act, husbands and wives minister to each other within a covenant relationship. Sexual acts focus on connection and becoming one flesh in a way that glorifies God. The greatest pleasure is found in seeking mutual pleasure rather than living out selfish fantasies.

In my personal experience, when I present this view of sex, couples often experience an “aha” moment. Unhealthy sexual filters of objectification and hedonism fall away, revealing God’s beautiful gift of sex in a new light. Rather than spiraling downward toward addiction and selfish pleasure, it draws us into deeper connection! How unsurprising it should be that, in the end, good sex—according to God’s design—leads to loving God supremely and others as ourselves.

So, yes, this young couple wanted their intimacy. If only they would let the Bible show them how to achieve that intimacy as God wants them to have it.