Feedback—can you handle it?

I still remember my first appraisal as a pastor. The conference president and Ministerial official had shared the results of what my church members and colleagues had written anonymously about me a few days before the meeting. During the session, I felt affirmed because people had said nice things about me—I was energetic, missional, evangelistic, caring, and supportive. Naturally, I liked hearing such things. However, I felt challenged by two things that the president and colleague highlighted: “He is very hard to follow,” and “There is no clear vision of what is desired to be achieved.” Although it hurt, they were right—my pastoral leadership needed to develop.

During the next year, I studied the Bible to discover what it said about vision and leadership. Also, I read numerous books on the same topics. God has a sense of humor because toward the end of the year, I received an invitation to be president of a conference. I certainly needed to lead clearly and toward God’s preferred future in that role.

Most years since that time 21 years ago, I have had various types of appraisals, from individual assessments to 360 analyses, from open-ended discussions to using specific tools. They have all been helpful. Among other things, I have had to learn to pace myself and read the pace of my team, as well as learn how to feel my emotions and use them appropriately to build understanding. In addition, I have also conducted many appraisals for my colleagues and co-workers. In each of them, I have tried to strike a balance between affirmation and challenge. However, such appraisals did not always go well. Some people find it difficult to take feedback, no matter how constructive it is meant to be.

Struggling with feedback

King David seemed to struggle with feedback and receiving bad news. Some examples: When Nabal did not want to reciprocate kindness and share some of his wealth with David and his team, David set out to kill Nabal (1 Sam. 25:4–13). Only Abigail’s charm saved David from carrying out his revenge (vv. 14–35). David had the Amalekite killed who brought the news and evidence of Saul and Jonathan’s deaths in battle (2 Sam. 1:1–16). Rechab and Baanah brought the head of Ishbosheth, king of Israel, to David, and they were executed (2 Sam. 4:5–12). When Israel’s ambassadors returned from King Hanun of the Amorites with half beards and cut coats, David sent the army to retaliate (2 Sam. 10:1–7).¹ When Nathan the prophet had to rebuke David for his sin with Bathsheba and Uriah, he told David a story that David overreacted to (2 Sam. 12:1–6). When his and Bathsheba’s son died, all David’s advisers were afraid to tell him the news because his reputation went before him—“ ‘What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?’ ” (2 Sam. 12:16–23; note v. 18, NLT).

Joab, a nephew of David and his army commander, too, could see that David did not accept feedback and bad news well. On one occasion, David was mourning the loss of his son Amnon, who was killed by another of David’s sons, Absalom. Absalom had taken justice into his own hands because David did not punish Amnon for raping Absalom’s sister. As a result, Absalom went into self-exile, and David mourned him as well (2 Sam. 13). Joab could see that not having Absalom close to David was affecting the king, but Joab did not want to confront him about it. Instead, he got a wisewoman from Tekoa to tell David a story about her losing a son in a fight with his brother and her relatives wanting to kill the other son. David responds with compassion, wisdom, and aggressive authority. The woman then reveals that the story is really about David losing two sons. Perceiving that Joab is behind the incident, David summons Absalom back from exile (2 Sam. 14:1–23).

Unfortunately, David did not treat Absalom well when he returned to Jerusalem. Despising such rejection, Absalom used his charm and skills to lead a coup d’état (2 Sam. 15). Civil war ensued, and eventually Joab killed Absalom, and the rebellious troops dissipated (2 Sam. 18:1–18). This news had to be sent to David, who was taking refuge in the city of Mahanaim. Ahimaaz, the son of the high priest, wanted to race with the news to David. Reluctant to send Ahimaaz, Joab dispatched an Ethiopian first
(2 Sam. 18:19–33). While the account does not state why, David’s record testifies to the likely outcome of the messengers. However, this time, neither messenger is hurt as David deeply mourns the loss of his son Absalom.

How do we respond to it?

The king’s response to bad news and feedback was his Achilles heel.² He did not like to receive bad news and be shown the weakness of his own decisions. Reviewing David’s story challenges me with the following questions: How approachable am I as a leader? How do I handle bad news? How easy is it for others on my team to share another perspective? How easy is it for others to reveal my blind spots? How do I respond to appraisals and the assessment of others?

No matter how talented we are, how well we have performed, or how easily we received the new pastoral role or promotion, we all have professional work and character issues to deal with. All of us have blind spots that, if revealed and dealt with, would make us better people.³ Being open to feedback and responding positively to it is paramount for ongoing pastoral development and satisfaction.

Solomon, David’s son who was his eventual successor, had much wisdom in dealing with feedback. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Prov. 12:15, ESV). “The ear that listens to life-giving reproof / will dwell among the wise. / Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, / but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence” (Prov. 15:31, 32, ESV).

The person receiving feedback has choices to make. Such decisions could determine their future and how people perceive them.

How to provide it

As pastoral leaders, at times we must give feedback. We need to care enough to confront people and issues.⁴ Crucial conversations are required for the good of the church and the person or people involved.⁵ But we often balk at having such conversations because we worry that people will respond like David, we will get hurt, and the situation will worsen.

How do we best confront people in a caring way? How do we give feedback? The apostle Paul, writing to the Ephesians, suggested how they could deal with difficult people and situations in the church. He wrote, “Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church” (Eph. 4:15, NLT). How do we speak the truth in love? And how do we get the balance right—revealing both truth and love?

Here are seven tips I have observed from Scripture and others:

1. Confront with courage. Make sure your heart is right with God and that you really love the other person. Take the time to pray about the person and the circumstance.
2. Confront with good intent. Know that you really want the best for the person and the situation.
3. Be honest with yourself. Ask the Lord for a humble attitude and the right words to use.
4. Own your perception. Start with “I observe . . .”
5. Have a plan. Know what you are going to point out, and be willing to receive any response.
6. Be specific. When talking to people about their behavior, it is important to be able to give examples of their rudeness, overlooking details, or neglect of management. Scripture gives several examples of David’s weakness. It is easier to respond to several specific failures than just a perceived theme with no examples.
7. Use stories. Stories have a great impact. One of my colleagues will rarely confront me directly on an idea or perception about people or a situation. However, because he comes from a communal oral society, he will tell me a story. As I listen, he will go around a certain issue many times without pointing it out, but by then, I will understand what he is trying to say to me. Nathan the prophet was able to confront David, whose sin was multifaceted, by relating to him a story. Then he disarmed David by asking for his opinion. The story enabled the king to feel deeply for another person, and when Nathan pointed out that David had hurt others in the same way, the king felt his sin deeply (2 Sam. 12:1–23; Pss. 32; 51). Stories disarm and challenge people to see their own lives differently.

We grow and help others grow

Receiving and giving feedback is an important pastoral asset in discipling people in Jesus. As we receive feedback and act upon it, we grow and become better pastoral leaders. And as we give feedback and confront issues, we provide opportunities for others to grow as people as well. May God give us the courage and skill to listen well, learn from feedback, and give it skillfully and constructively.