Silencing the impostor monkey

I am not sure when it began, but I have wrestled with the sense of being an impostor. It is almost as if whenever I succeed in anything, an impostor monkey appears on my shoulder, trying to convince me that any success I have is only luck. He makes me feel I am about to be exposed as an imposter as well.¹

One of my earliest assignments was to pastor a small church in Norwich, Connecticut. One Sabbath, entering the pulpit, I noticed a visitor: a well-known and extremely successful preacher was in the congregation. He was visiting his parents. As I stood up to preach, the impostor monkey began to chatter, He’s going to know . . . You’re about to be exposed as a fraud. Fortunately, the pastor fell asleep—or, perhaps, pretended to.

A common problem for pastors

Am I alone in this? How many other pastors experience impostor syndrome? I have learned that about 70 percent of the general population struggle with this at times.² But what about pastors? After all, if you’re doing God’s will, should there not be some immunity?

In an entirely unscientific way, I tweeted to a list of pastors and ministry leaders the question: “Have you experienced impostor syndrome?” Here is a sampling of the replies: “Only when awake”; “Always”; and “Especially after finishing my doctorate.” One pastor replied, “I wish I had known more people went through this.” The responses were mostly yes. If this is accurate, we pastors do not get immunity. The opposite seems to be the case: ministry can intensify impostor syndrome.

Worse, many pastors have the added difficulty of not being able to share their concern in a helpful environment. The typical minister’s meeting is usually not the place to open up about personal issues.³ Normally, the focus is on how well things are going in the congregation. There is often talk about how things are progressing in the conference. Fellow ministers share how well their outreach is going. And, of course, their congregations are all thriving.

My personal monkey used these opportunities to reinforce his message: If everyone else is doing so well, wait until they find out what is really going on with you. This sentiment is unfortunate, and the sense of failure is only made worse by being unable to share with others what is going on inside us.

Research demonstrates the connection between the impostor syndrome and depression, anxiety, poor job performance, poor job satisfaction, and burnout. Perhaps this problem is one reason that 38 percent of pastors consider leaving the ministry.⁴ This frightening statistic is higher among pastors under 45.

Clearly, not all pastors decide to leave ministry due to impostor syndrome. There are many reasons for pursuing another calling. However, I suspect that a higher percentage is related to this phenomenon than is generally recognized.

Impostor syndrome (also called impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome, perceived fraudulence, or impostor experience) describes high-achieving individuals who, despite having objective successes, fail to internalize their accomplishments.⁵ Such people frequently experience self-doubt and fear of exposure as a fraud (thinking, You are a fraud, and people are going to find out!). Those of us who know this feeling often downplay our accomplishments.

Shortly after finishing my doctorate on Revelation, I was chatting with friends when one said, “You’re an expert in Revelation now.” Immediately, the impostor monkey jumped into action: You were just lucky that you finished. Luckier that you were published. Anyone could have done it. This is imposter syndrome in action.

Most people feel this way at some time in their lives. Despite being successful, they fear that their success is part illusion, part luck. What will happen when others find out? their monkey chatters.

Impostor syndrome can be very occasion-specific. After a well-thought-out sermon, heartfully delivered, I would often think, If they only knew what I’m really like. Pastors often face a double whammy. We are generally a sympathetic and empathetic group.⁶ This makes us more susceptible to experiencing imposter syndrome. Another danger is that sufferers experience lower levels of work satisfaction, even as they become more dedicated to their organizations.

Organizationally committed, yet unhappy with their work. I frequently found myself in this catch-22 situation. It is difficult to share feelings of being an impostor because this risks exposure to my peers and superiors.⁷ Who wants a pastor who isn’t invincible? This leads to a false humility or the unhealthful trait of downplaying our knowledge, skills, or opinions.

But there is some good news. (We are commissioned to communicate the gospel, after all!) This experience is not personality-rooted. In other words, I am not born this way, but certain beliefs trigger impostor feelings. As a coach to pastors and leaders, I am less interested in the origins of fraudulent feelings than in how to handle them today.

Dealing with the monkey

Here are tips to help silence the impostor monkey’s accusations.

Admit mistakes⁸ openly and freely. Despite what we often think, admitting mistakes builds credibility.⁹ You will be surprised at how people resonate when you admit that you are wrong. I have had several occasions to admit my mistakes—either to friends, churches, or organizations I have worked with. In each case, the result was a higher regard for my leadership.

Accept appreciation with humility. Learn to accept, without discounting them, your parishioners’ appreciation. It has taken me a long time to learn this point. I see the flaws in the sermon, the stumbled-over words, the inability to express heavenly themes. Yet, at times, those flawed words are just what someone needs to hear. Accept gratitude gracefully and humbly.

Accept your strengths; understand your weaknesses. Everyone has both. Play to your strong points. If necessary, get help for the weaker areas. Preaching and teaching are some of my strong suits. Organizing the details of community service programs, not so much. I have learned to follow the lead of those who are better equipped in these areas.

Compare yourself only to yourself. This is a lesson I am still learning. I am not in competition with anyone else, especially the famous preacher who visited my church.

Frame your mistakes as an opportunity for growth. Rather than obsess over the error, see what can be learned. A mistake is not a statement about your value. It is simply one event in a full life of service.

Be willing to share your experiences. Too often, we continue pretending everything is fine. However, when we wear masks, our members know it, conference officials know it, we know it. But I have found that sharing that I have an impostor monkey is helpful. I learned very quickly that I am not unique in this situation.

Finally, and most importantly, I am a sinner in need of grace. Through prayer, personal devotion, and studying the Word, I can hear the divine words of the love and acceptance that are mine in Jesus, and I need to let those words drown out the monkey’s accusations.

Get a grip

To hide our impostor feelings, we often overwork. This is difficult to change because our environment and culture reinforce this behavior. The pastors who work long hours are praised for their dedication. However, they often fall out of balance in other areas. The family frequently suffers. Impostor syndrome drives overwork. After all, If I work harder than everyone else, no one will reprimand me. I will actually be praised.¹⁰

I have also found it helpful to learn what experiences trigger the accusations of the monkey. Am I in a new situation or a new relationship? Did I hear a negative comment from another leader or friend? What areas do I most frequently feel like a fraud? It is rare to have this feeling across all domains. I have to ask myself, Where does this feeling arise most frequently?

In addition to identifying triggers, understanding what is happening internally generates insights. What was my emotional state at the time? Was I overly tired? Was there someone specific there? By asking these questions, I clarify any common themes.

My impostor monkey still makes occasional appearances. However, rather than listen to his voice, through prayer, trust in God, and claiming the blood of Jesus, I can laugh at his assertions. Like the very small Lilliputians who tied down Gulliver in the fictional story Gulliver’s Travels, impostor syndrome can bind us. Recognizing this is the first step to freedom. When your monkey begins to chatter, remember your strengths and successes. Do not internalize his accusations. And finally, and again, most importantly, you can shut him up, even in the name of Jesus, who—precisely because you are flawed—died for you, and through His death accepts you, flaws and all.