A wounded healer:

In my (David’s) career as a pastor, seminary professor, and counselor to seminary students, I have encountered a great deal of ministry-related trauma. Some trauma occurred prior to ministry and some during ministry. In my own life, childhood trauma has led to a committed journey of healing from such issues as perfectionism, performance orientation, codependency, and work addiction. These issues have impacted my ministry, but recognizing them and embracing them has led to significant healing. I have become a wounded healer.

My passion for pastoral health led me to begin researching trauma in pastors in 2019. Since then, I have gathered quantitative data that was published in the May 2023 edition of Ministry.¹ I have also conducted interviews and five focus groups, and I have included open-ended, write-in questions in quantitative data collection efforts. This article explores the question, What types of trauma have ministers experienced, and how does trauma affect their life in ministry? The answers may surprise you.

Trauma is not uncommon

Pastors in this study suffered a range of childhood traumas. One focus group participant shared, “When I took the ACEs [Adverse Childhood Experiences test], I think I scored a nine out of ten.” The types of trauma included experiencing abandonment and neglect as well as verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from family members and church leaders. Participants also suffered trauma from being bullied at school and sibling abuse. Some pastors recounted trauma from their parents’ relationships, such as divorce, spousal abuse, and multiple affairs.

These examples from study participants illustrate the types of adverse experiences pastors suffered as children. One participant recalled a traumatic event when he was seven years old. An uncle came to the house and raped his 18-year-old babysitter while he was forced to stay outside, from where he could hear her screaming. Growing up in a physically abusive family, another partici­pant shared, “[I would] go to school with black eyes.” A focus group member recalled being part of a church in childhood where there was an active child sexual predator. The resulting trauma was twofold: (1) having to witness the pain of the victims that came forward and (2) listening to a church member during the disfellowshipping meeting say, “It’s the little girls’ fault. They shouldn’t have been wearing short skirts.”

People commonly assume that pastors grow up in ideal families, protected from trauma. Therefore, it is important to let people know that it is not uncommon for pastors to have experienced significant and life-altering trauma that would impact their ministry and outreach.

This study revealed several important ways that trauma has affected pastors’ lives in ministry. These ways include harm to their physical, emotional, behavioral, relational, spiritual, and vocational health. Participants shared that their trauma has led some to question their call to ministry and even to contemplate leaving ministry.

Physical toll

For many pastors the effects of trauma manifest physically, leading to health issues and diminished energy. One pastor shared, “As time goes on and more traumatic events happen, I bounce back slower, and my energy level diminishes. I feel I am getting less effective over time.” This exhaustion sometimes accompanies physical ailments severe enough to require hospitalization. One pastor described his ordeal: “I saw a specialist, and it was acid reflux affecting my throat. . . . I was out for three months and felt like I was done.”

Emotional struggles

Trauma deeply affects pastors emotionally and can lead to issues with self-esteem, anger, trust, depression, anxiety, and addiction. One pastor shared, “Childhood trauma makes me feel unworthy. It impacts my ministry in a very negative way.” Others struggle with anger directed at superiors or even their church members. One participant shared, “There were days I wanted to chop everybody’s head off.”

Trust issues emerge from these childhood wounds as well. One participant recalled that his absent father would promise to visit and then often not show up. “And then [I] just sat there with this high expectation, waiting, waiting, and waiting all day. And he may drop in for a moment, or he may not drop in at all. . . . So I think that turned into trust issues.”

Pastors fight depression, anxiety, and self-harm as a result of their unresolved trauma. One pastor recounted, “When my brother died, I didn’t know how to grieve. I had to take time off for burnout, stress, and fatigue. I was told I was depressed.” Another pastor considered suicide, researching how to end his life without anyone knowing. “I was about to leave the planet, and God put it on a parishioner’s heart to call me. That became a turning point.”

Addiction is another coping mechanism for some pastors. One acknowledged, “I found myself drinking to cope. I saw my grandfather drinking as a child and started spiraling down at the church for about five years.”

Behavioral impacts

Pastors responded to their trauma behaviorally, often through overworking, being a people-pleaser and unable to set healthy boundaries. Participants reported sacrificing their personal time off due to the relentless demands of ministry. One pastor shared, “I’ve tried to take days off, but sometimes I’ll go a month or two without a full day off.”

A survey respondent noted, “I have been a people pleaser because I had to survive that way as a result of childhood trauma.” Another pastor shared, “It’s hard for me to say no because I’m constantly trying to get people’s approval.”

The pastor referenced who helplessly listened to his babysitter being raped reflected that from that experience, he was driven to help others, whatever the cost to himself. “What I found in my ministry is that I would always go headfirst into the most contentious situations, and I had no boundaries. I would go to people’s homes and spend five hours, leaving at midnight or one o’clock, trying to fix things. But I couldn’t find how to create boundaries, how to care and at the same time not be excessively available at any hour of the day or night.”

Relational impacts

A substantial number of participants revealed marital distress and conflict connected to their overwork and lack of boundaries in pastoral work. In fact, one of the strongest themes in the survey data pertains to marital stress because of the pastors’ time away from the family. One pastor shared, “My wife is only free on evenings and weekends. That is primarily the time that I work because that is when church members are free to serve and be ministered to. I sacrifice a lot of time with my wife to do ministry.” Another pastor reflected, “[I was] so busy trying to address the needs of the congregation that I was missing out on my children growing up, playing with my kids, story time.”

Participants commonly faced significant relational conflicts, such as betrayal and denigration by church members or colleagues, which created an environment of stress and distrust. For instance, one pastor shared, “I had a church member who went behind my back and began digging through my past to find a reason to get me out of ministry.”

Spiritual impacts

Trauma often tests pastors’ spiritual health, causing them to feel a profound disconnection from God. They struggle to reconcile personal losses and unanswered prayers with their role in promoting God’s goodness, feeling betrayed and questioning their beliefs. Frustrations arise when prayer seems insufficient to address suffering. Childhood trauma can further complicate pastors’ faith, causing them to see God as unjust and unloving. This inner conflict leads to feeling hypocritical as they preach about God’s goodness while personally doubting it.

One pastor recalled his confusion following his father’s death. “It was hard to step into a pastoral role and try to promote God [when] I was also dealing [with my father’s death]. I prayed to God, and he let my dad die. . . . As I worked as a pastor, it was just a horrible time because I did not understand really why he died. Because I was claiming the promises, like . . . ‘call the elders’ and ‘raise them up,’ and he wasn’t raised up.”

Pastors’ experiences with trauma sometimes led to a complex and evolving relationship with God. Initially some felt hurt, anger, or a sense of avoidance toward God, struggling to reconcile their suffering with their faith. However, through their struggles, they began to see God as a source of healing, compassion, and strength, transforming their understanding from judgment and anger to gratitude and deeper connection. Despite periods of doubt and numbness, their faith journey resulted in a more profound and intimate relationship with God.

One pastor shared, “It hurt for a while but eventually caused me to draw closer to Him.” Another recalled, “I used to blame God. I was angry with Him for a time. However, He has big shoulders and has always sustained me, blessed me, and kept me on His path. He has taught me, healed me, and changed me. I am grateful that in my life He has always, without a doubt, worked the bad for good and for His glory.” Another said, “In my trauma, I cried out to God, and He showed up. It has strengthened my relationship with Him.”

Others saw their trauma as a journey of transformation, where initial anger or avoidance gave way to a deeper understanding of God’s compas­sion and love. One pastor reflected, “Initially, I viewed God as judgmental and exacting. But after being totally broken, I saw Him as the loving and compassionate God He truly is.”

Vocational impacts

Study participants questioned their call to the ministry and contemplated leaving pastoral ministry altogether. One focus group participant shared, “I was tapped out. I was done. ‘No more,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to be a pastor anymore.’ ” In another focus group, one pastor revealed, “I’ve literally been trying to get out of ministry for the last two years.”

In addition to wanting to leave ministry, some pastors felt unqualified for ministry because of their personal struggles and challenges. Those who battled addiction, depression, or divorce sometimes questioned their suitability for ministry. These internal conflicts significantly impacted their confidence in their pastoral roles. One pastor shared, “I struggled with addiction; I couldn’t be a pastor.” Another pastor reflected, “Having gone through a divorce, I felt that I was not worthy to be a spiritual leader; consequently, I mentally disqualified myself.”

Encouragement

The experiences of these Adventist pastors who encountered childhood trauma reveal profound and multifaceted impacts on their ministry. They navigate multiple challenges, sensing the burden of trauma in several aspects of their lives. Yet their resilience and faith allow them to continue, even as they struggle with the long-lasting effects of their past. Their experiences underscore the need for greater support and understanding within the church, acknowledging that the journey of healing and ministry is ongoing and deeply intertwined.

For pastors who have experienced trauma, seeking help can be a challenging but important step toward healing. If you have experienced trauma, here are some words of encouragement:

• You are not alone. Many pastors share similar struggles, even if they do not always speak about them openly. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step toward healing.
• Healing is possible. While the journey of healing from trauma can be long and complex, it is possible. With the right support, you can find ways to manage your trauma, regain your sense of purpose, and continue to serve your congregation with renewed strength and compassion.
• Prioritize self-care. Your well-being is essential not only for your health but also for your ability to minister effectively. Taking time for self-care is vital for your long-term ministry and personal fulfillment.
• God’s grace is sufficient. Even in your most challenging moments, God’s grace is there to sustain you. He can use your experiences to deepen your ministry, providing a powerful testimony of His love and redemption.