Ministering to the last responders

She plopped down on the chair, hunched her back, and put her elbows on the desk. Her bloodshot eyes and drawn face told the story. It was during the time of the COVID-19 pandemic. The exhausted funeral director, operating on three hours of sleep, was processing the sixth body in three days in her small establishment. I was there to plan two of the six upcoming funerals, but instead I gently said, “Go home. Get some rest. You must take care of you if you want to take care of us.”

Then it struck me. There were favorable news stories about the heroic medics, nurses, doctors, and police. The first responders were being lauded and celebrated for their selfless service during the pandemic. But what about the last responders? Where is the love for the funeral directors who kept their establishments open, at risk to themselves and their families, so that they might help us process the grief of our families’ losses?

Who are they?

Funeral directors are often seen as gloomy, eccentric, and scary. Our image of the mortician is often shaped by poorly written Hollywood scripts. However, funeral directors are professionals who are charged with preparing the deceased and facilitating the family for final burial or cremation rites. In places like ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia, morticians were highly skilled in the art of embalming. While embalming was not prohibited in Israel, the Israelites had specific rituals for washing, cleansing, and dressing the body for burial.¹ Upon the death of King Asa, the morticians “laid him in the bed which was filled with sweet odours and divers kinds of spices prepared by the apothecaries’ art” (2 Chron. 16:14). Upon the death of Jesus, the disciples took “the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury” (John 19:40). Caring for the dead was not to be despised but considered a sacred responsibility.

The modern funeral director brings many skills to the sacred vocation:

• Like chaplains, the funeral director is trained to work with individuals of various faiths.
• The funeral director knows local cultural and ethnic funeral customs. For example, in the Jamaican and Irish cultures, the family generally participates in the covering of the casket themselves and will not leave unless there is at least some ceremonial recognition of that tradition. The funeral director assists the pastors with these nuances.
• Funeral directors often know the interconnected threads of a community, including public officials, business owners, and multiple generations within individual families.

A calling

Funeral directors are proud of the rich history and tradition of their vocation. I use the term vocation rather than profession because vocation comes from the Latin verb vocare, meaning “to call.” A vocation is (a) “a summons or strong inclination to a particular state or course of action; especially a divine call to the religious life” or (b) “an entry into the priesthood or a religious order.”² I once asked a funeral director how she liked her “job.” She replied, “This is not a job; this is a calling. I believe God led me to this.” Another, when asked, similarly replied, “All my life I have been drawn to this. This is my ministry. I’m doing the work of God.”

For many it must be a calling because there may not be enough money to compensate for the life disruptions experienced by the funeral director. The calling comes with many occupational hazards:

• Like the medical doctor or pastor, funeral directors are on call twenty-four hours a day, often roused from sleep late at night or early in the morning to respond to a desperate family’s call. Physical fatigue and mental exhaustion are common.
• The director must navigate the blurred bounda­ries of being both a grief counselor and a business person.
• Sometimes they are the first to intervene in a bereavement crisis, arriving on the scene while the police and medical examiner are concluding their work.
• The long and irregular hours interfere with familial relationships. Holidays, vacations, and special occasions are all interrupted by the relentless march of death. Disappointed children and frustrated spouses increase the familial strain.
• Stereotypes about the vocation may lead to stigma, social isolation, loneliness, and depression.
• Because the funeral director is sworn to the highest ethical standards, he or she, similar to a doctor, pastor, or priest, must hold secrets about a person’s life, circumstances of death, family relations, finances, and medical history.

Despite the overwhelming responsibility of the funeral ministry, few pastors think of ministering to the funeral director. In Philippians 2, Paul mentions a selfless servant of Christ, Epaphroditus, who was Paul’s last responder. During the apostle’s incarceration, in his most vulnerable and lonely moments, “he [Epaphroditus] ministered to my [Paul’s] wants” (Phil. 2:25). But it was not without cost to Epaphroditus. Paul reports: “For indeed he was sick nigh unto death. . . . Because for the work of Christ he was nigh unto death, not regarding his life, to supply your lack of service toward me” (Phil. 2:27, 30). I have known funeral directors who indeed were nigh unto death, physical and spiritual, while ministering to the wants of others.

How can we minister?

Pastors must pastor our fellow yoke-persons in ministry. But how? Here are a few suggestions:

• Send them a greeting or gift. Funeral directors often send calendars or pens to the church during the holiday season to advertise their business. They may appreciate a gift card to a local restaurant or an annual devotional book.
• Express care. I show up early for the funeral to chat with the funeral director. I ask about their business and family. I express appreciation for their service. I let them know I recognize the difficulty of the job. Then we briefly review the order of service for the funeral to ensure that we are working as a professional team to facilitate the service.
• Preach the Word. Understand that while you are preaching the funeral to the family, the funeral director is also listening. I eventually baptized a funeral director who heard the good news of the resurrection and soon return of our Lord as a result of attending funerals in my church.
• Visit your funeral director and his or her family in the hospital, even if they have a pastor.
• Be available to serve as a guest minister. I let the funeral director know that I am available to conduct services for families who do not have a church home or a pastor. This is a great relief to the director and also a great opportunity to minister to an unchurched family.
• Publicly recognize them. Recognize the director in a worship service and offer prayer for their ministry.
• Minister to them in the season of their losses. I once flew to North Carolina from New York City to attend the funeral of the brother of my local funeral director. I explained to my church, “He is always there for us; let’s be there for him.” And so the church financed the expense. Upon my arrival both our eyes began to well with tears as we embraced as brothers and colleagues in ministry.

Unsung heroes

Perhaps your city will not have a ticker tape parade for the last responders. Still, as ministers of Christ, we must minister to the Epaphrodituses among us, who are called to a challenging vocation. They are not the spooky characters from legends of lore. They are men and women of flesh and bone, of head and heart, with willing hands and often wounded hearts. They are the unsung heroes. Therefore let us affirm their ministry and yoke with them in the cause of Christ.