Even the pastor most skilled at fostering a healthy church will run into conflict. I pastored 20 churches over a 30-year span. I know from experience what church conflict is and how damaging it can be—to the church and pastor—if not dealt with correctly.
What follows is what I have learned over the course of long and sometimes very conflicted decades of dealing with conflicts in churches.
Networking
For starters, it might be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because God called you into this ministry, He is going to show you what is right and how to obtain the right outcomes, no matter the conflict. Maybe He will. But, in the meantime, look to your local network of friends and colleagues for counsel. After all, the Lord might work through them, as well.
Ask them how they have seen you handle conflict in the past. Did you bring wisdom, peace, patience, and love, or did you add fuel to the fire? If you can find people who have opposed you in the past, try those questions on them. If you have cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or other relatives who have spent quality time with you, try them as well. You will most likely get plenty of advice from your spouse, siblings, and parents, so reach out further.
And if there are people who have kept in touch with you and watched your early years as a pastor, check in with them, perhaps a respected ministerial secretary or president in your past. A seasoned pastor can be a wise resource for you, especially in difficult situations. Do not be afraid to ask for outside help.
Some common issues
If you walked into a conflict in a new church, be prepared to ask questions. How would previous pastors and others with a knowledge of the church say conflict has been handled there in the past? I know from experience how tough it is to inherit a church in conflict. When I moved into a new district many years ago, the members of one church spent several days of my first week lining up to meet with me outside my hotel door. One by one, they earnestly told me all the problems over the past few years, sometimes going back decades. To top it off, they wanted just one thing from me, which was to take a side and then referee between that side and the other one. It put me in a difficult situation, but it did not stop me from doing all that I could to resolve the issues I had inherited and move the church forward.
Another way to assess the conflict is to learn as much as you can about what church members are trying to protect, for that is often the source of conflict. Are they trying to protect a person, an institution, or a way of doing things? Imagine a church that once had a flourishing prison ministry, but the last pastor sought to undermine or even stop it. The members who have enjoyed that ministry might be afraid that you are going to work against it as well.
Other issues could be the way they want to worship: hymns versus praise songs; screen use versus no PowerPoint; drums versus no drums—the list can be long. Whatever the issues, find out early what is going on and, to whatever degree you can, seek to assuage their fears.
Wisely pick your battles
Of course, some things must be faced, but pick those battles wisely and prayerfully. I suspect that there were a few issues I really did not need to get riled up about but did anyway. For example, a small church in my district would invite an “offshoot” leader into the church once a year to preach. His mother was part of the congregation and enjoyed having him speak. After reading his materials, I saw how they could be deemed incompatible with our church teachings, so I thought it inappropriate to give him the pulpit.
I called the conference president, who, I think, had been around since the beginning of that little church. He was a seasoned, grizzled, steady hand at administration. I explained my position, and just when I thought he was taking my side, he said, “Marty, I agree with you—but let him speak anyway.”
I heard some pretty wise counsel from that seasoned pastor; he helped me avoid an impending crisis that, thanks to that phone call, never came. From then on, I learned to take counsel on these matters and earnestly pray with a Christlike heart about them without jumping to conclusions.
Alternatives to fighting
Patience, courage, reframing the issues, discovering the real issues, gentle carefronting,1 laying down your life for others—these are all ways to bring about change without fighting. You have nothing to lose by loving your members, serving them, becoming part of their family, and showing them you care. As the shepherd, stand just a bit taller than the sheep. Do not bully or intimidate them, but lead them to Jesus and teach them to reflect His loving character to one another, even to those with whom they might be in conflict.
If your church is on your lips in prayer every day, then you are going to think long and hard about every member, which can lead to a growing and thriving church community. Your members will notice and appreciate your leadership and concern, which will give you great leverage in dealing with whatever conflicts arise.
Wisdom-critical
Every church will have conflict or the potential for conflict. Knowing which conflicts to leave alone and which will require your attention is vital. In some churches, you could spend your entire time as a referee instead of a pastor. Chances are that you will not be able to please half the members and, in a short time, almost none of them. Pleasing everyone is not the pastor’s job, of course, but it is also not the pastor’s job to create needless conflicts or to allow them to persist.
Some conflicts must be resolved for the health of the church. A loving shepherd will be gentle and prayerful constantly with all involved, even if the congregants turn their attention and aggression toward the pastor. This is important to remember, especially in the middle of a conflict.
Shepherd of all
Every church has its own challenges, and every conflict its own distinct issues. How you approach them will make all the difference in the world. Similar to the prophets of old, you must speak truth to power, call out irreverence, light fires at the altar of God, shine the light of His glory in dark places, and be the instrument of His mighty works. That is the ideal, anyway.
The only and most effective preparation for that calling is to settle into the truth of God’s love for all, recognize that you are the shepherd of all in your flock, and to treat each member, even the most difficult ones, with the self-denying love that Jesus modeled for us when in the flesh.
Love conquers all—even church conflicts.
- Carefronting is a term coined by David Augsburger, esteemed professor of pastoral care. See Nick Chase, “Carefronting: An Innovative Approach to Managing Conflict,” American Nurse, October 11, 2012, https://www.myamericannurse.com/carefronting-an-innovative-approach-to-managing-conflict/.
