IS FIFTEEN years enough time to learn the lessons needed for an abundant life in order to be a contented wife?
In 1953 I might have said Yes. Now I am beginning to realize that being a good wife, like sanctification, is the work of a lifetime. Many of my goals have not yet become a part of me.
In sharing with you some of the lessons I have tried to learn by the side of my husband, I realize that many of you know these things already, and perhaps learned them more quickly than I did.
Some of these prescriptions are just a part of maturing, of growing up. But I needed them, and perhaps they will be of help to some of you.
Get Organized
Instead of floating along on a cloud from day to day and week to week, make some lists and, even more important, get at those lists and do something. There is no need to feel apologetic for being dependent on lists —let the paper remember the routine tasks. Save your brain power for more vital items.
For those items on your lists that never seem to get done—perhaps because they are hard for you, or because they are not enjoyed, or are easily put off—try tackling them first thing in the morning when you are fresh. Don't use the best hours of the day for the routine jobs such as house cleaning, which you can do just as well when your first wind is gone. Straighten the house up quickly just before you go to bed at night. Then you're ready to plunge into some thing creative in the morning without worrying about somebody's coming and catching you in a mess.
I try to take at least an hour in the early morning for writing or sewing—I'm not going to admit whether they come in the hard category or in the not-liked category. But this system does work for me. It gives enthusiasm for the whole day, a sense of some thing accomplished.
Why Not Put God First?
We have heard so many times about the advantage of starting the day with God— have you tried it? Have you tried bowing your head for a moment as you begin that tricky piece of sewing or start to write that long-put-off letter? Why do we neglect prayer when it can help so much. Inviting the presence of God transforms the daily grind into a more abundant life.
"Bring Christ into all that you do. Then your lives will be filled with brightness and thanksgiving. You will do your best, moving forward cheerfully in the service of the Lord, your hearts filled with His joy."— Ellen G. White letter 1, 1904.
Chart your monthly cycle if you are one who has extremes of ups and downs. Plan special occasions and accomplishments for the days when you know you will be up. And remember on those down days that tomorrow will be brighter. Determine to hang onto those goals, no matter how you feel. If you neglect your goal of Bible study, or diet, or a controlled tongue, for one day, your tomorrow may be gloomy too.
Cultivate Outward Cheerfulness
So you're miserable when he's gone for six weeks on a safari—don't make him miserable, too, by telling him about it. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to let him know you miss him and are looking forward to his return. I always feel horribly let down right after my husband leaves on a long trip. ("Long" is more than two weeks.) My husband has written "your letter sounded cheerful and I was glad." What have I done to him the other times?
If your husband has to travel, isn't it wonderful when he comes home? Better than the first honeymoon by far. And the days you do have together seem more precious. You can find advantages in any situation.
And when that wrong number rings or a salesman comes to the door just when you are in the midst of putting that wonderful thought on paper, will you feel better if you are grumpy and short with the interrupter? Or will it give you a feeling of quiet mastery if you say "You have the wrong number, I'm sorry," or turn down the re quest kindly and give the man a Signs.
Take Up the Slack
Be the one to volunteer for the jobs no body else wants to do or the task that will make life smoother for another. Pull where it is needed, where nobody else is pulling. If you cheerfully make apple pies for the potluck when another prefers to make the soup that was assigned to you (and that would be easier for you, too), you're taking up the slack.
It is right for us to be dissatisfied with the way in which we perform duty, but we are not to be dissatisfied with the duty itself, because we would rather do something else. In His providence God places before human beings service that will be as medicine to their diseased minds. Thus He seeks to lead them to put aside the selfish preference, which, if cherished, would disqualify them for the work He has for them.—ELLEN G. WHITE, in Review and Herald, May 2, 1907.
Give Yourself a Time Cushion
God knew I needed a sensible, far-sighted, good organizer for a husband. Here is one of my husband's pet rules. Plan to be at your appointment five or ten minutes early. Then that last-minute telephone call or interruption won't rob you of your calm and poise. In your purse have a notebook containing a poem you'd like to be able to quote, paper on which to plan menus, or even paper to make more lists on, or a psalm you'd like to memorize. (Do you know the forty-sixth psalm, which God's people will sing in triumph when Jesus comes?) Then if you have to wait, you can improve that five or ten minutes and not be impatient.
Be content with little knowledge in one area—your husband's business as it pertains to the personal lives of others.
It isn't always interesting or comfortable to know everything about your husband's business. When my husband first started his medical practice I felt a bit left out or hurt when others would talk about So-and-so's illness, or their church problems (my husband was first elder of the church), and take for granted that I knew it just because my husband did.
"Oh, I thought you'd know—she's been to your husband," or "You didn't know? Your husband was in charge of the board meeting." I know their confidence in him increased when they found out I didn't know. And a few experiences taught me to see such instances from a different point of view (perhaps a more mature one?) and not to worry about whether anybody had confidence in me. When a dear friend's husband became ill in the mission field and I happened to be in on the terrible, immediate seriousness of his case before even his wife knew, it was very difficult to be at ease with her, especially when I had the role of chauffeuring her to the hospital to see him every day. I wished fervently that I didn't know!
I am content to hear all medical troubles and committee actions when they be come general knowledge. Once when my husband asked me whether I wanted to know why a certain missionary had re turned to his homeland, I answered No. I think that missionary, too, would undoubtedly be happy, as I am, that I don't know.
Remember That Today Is Life
Today is the day to put dreams to work. Today is the day to work toward goals, to really diet, to live New Year's resolutions, to be the kind of wife and mother you always dreamed of being.
Are you always rushing to get something done so that you can enjoy something else? Today is life. Not tomorrow. Writing that article or that book, making that special meal, these things are life. Which is the most fun for the child—building the sand castle or playing with it afterward? Building it, of course. Today we need to rouse ourselves to live and enjoy every moment. Life is made up of days like today. And our goals are reached or pushed farther into the future by what we do about them today.
Live Today as if It Were Your Last
How intensely earnest our lives would be if we knew today were our last. I think we would find time to have personal prayer, to write to that lonesome mother, to clear our desk of all procrastinations. "Life is made up, not of great sacrifices and wonderful achievements, but of little things."—Ibid., Dec. 29, 1910.
Realize That Some Shadows Are Necessary
If we look at life straight, we will have to admit that there will be disappointments and bereavements. By expecting them, we remove a bit of their sting. By remembering, "My grace is sufficient" (2 Cor. 12:9), we can bear them bravely.
Our family had some rough experiences in the Congo. The children and I were evacuated three times under stress. Most of the fourteen months that the children and I were refugees and my husband was trying to carry on alone at Songa Hospital, there was no mail service in or out of the Congo—only an occasional ham radio message to tell us he was safe.
Our entire family was in the Elisabethville mission buildings when they were smashed by bazookas and 75 mm. shells. A bazooka shell exploded in the room where my husband and oldest son were packing. The walls were filled with shrapnel, the windows were blasted out, the suitcase had pieces of shell in it, there were pieces of brick in their pockets, a metal pitcher was crumpled like a wash rag, but the two of them were only scratched and temporarily deafened. I call that a miracle. It wasn't the only one. Elders Pierson and Torrey of the General Conference and others were also miraculously spared.
We wouldn't wish such a shadow to fall on any of you, but it is a precious experience now that we have lived through it, and it gives focus to our lives. God evidently still had something for us to do.
Just one more thought: There may not be time for everything you want to do in life, but there is time for everything you need for a truly happy and satisfying life. Decide what you want to do, what you want to be, where you want to go, what you want to stand for, and then work to ward it today, by His side.
