Checklist for Fathers

"WHAT should I have done differently? If your children were small again, what would you do?"

These words burst from the burning heart of a father sitting across from me. His eyes pleaded for help. He was suffering the awful, empty, death-like feeling a man senses when his son has strayed. He felt he had failed as a father.

And his words stay with me. Although they came to me in a direct and blunt way that day, they are not the words of a lone father. In them are the questions which are uppermost in the minds of many couples, if they take parenthood seriously. I've pondered these questions and a few suggestions have surfaced.

First, if I were starting my family again, I would love the mother of my children more. That is, I would be more free to let my children see that I love her.

To let my child know I love his mother I would seek to be faithful in doing little loving things for her. True love is visible. I would show special kindnesses such as opening the car door, placing her chair at the table, giving her little gifts on special occasions and writing her love letters when I'm gone from home. I would take her hand as we stroll in the park. And I would whisper loving words about her in the ears of my children. I would praise her in the presence of my children.

When a child knows parents love each other there is a security, stability and sacredness about life which is gained in no other way. A child who knows parents love each other and who hears them expressing words of love for each other needs little explanation about God's character of love or the beauty of sex.

Does all this sound sentimental? Then I am persuaded many families need more of this kind of sentimentalism. Love is like a plant. It needs nurture. We must do the things love dictates or it will die.

Listen More

Second, if I were starting my family again, / would listen more. Most fathers find it hard to listen. We are busy with the burdens of work; at the end of the day we are tired when we arrive home. A child's talk seems like unimportant chatter at such times, yet we can learn so much more by listening than by talking especially from our children.

I would listen when my child shares his little hurts and complaints, his joys and what he is excited about. And I would try-to refrain from words of impatience at the interruption. Such times can be the best times to show love and kindness.

I remember now as clear as the day it happened the time my busy father listened to me, as a first grader, when I came home frightened over a situation at school. His calmness and concern, demonstrated in listening to me, relieved my fears. I was ready to return the following day full of courage and confidence. Had he simply said my fear was foolish or had he refused to hear me out, my fears would have grown.

If my child were small again I would stop reading the newspaper when he wants to talk with me. One evening a small boy tried to show his father a scratch on his finger. Finally after repeated attempts to gain his father's attention, the father stopped reading and said impatiently, "Well, I can't do anything about it can I?"

"Yes, Daddy," his small son said. "You could have said 'Oh.' "

I would also seek to keep from staring into space when my child is talking to me. I would try to understand what my child says because I now believe that the father who listens to his child, when he is small, will find that he will have a child who cares what his father says later in life. And the father who takes time to under stand what his child says when the child is small will be able to understand his child later in life.

In listening I would pay more careful attention to my child's questions. It is estimated the average child asks 500,000 questions by the age of 15. What a privilege for every parent a half million opportunities to share something about the meaning of life!

These early years are the years for teaching. And by the time the child reaches 15 parents have done most of their teaching; they know by now exactly what the parents believe. From then on a parent's primary opportunity is to be available when the child comes for help.

Third, if I were starting my family again I would seek more opportunities to give my child a feeling of belonging. A sense of belonging is essential for a child's security and feeling of worth. And when a child feels he belongs in his family and is of real worth there, it is not a big step to also feel accepted, loved, and of worth to others and in God's sight.

How are feelings of belonging generated? By doing things together. By sharing common concerns. A child feels he belongs when he is invited to be involved in the responsibility and work of the family. Celebration of birth days, when the person rather than the gifts is central, creates a sense of belonging. A sense of belonging is built into the child when he hears prayers prayed on his behalf, when his opinions are really listened to and valued. No part of child guidance is more important than assuring the child by action and word that he is important for the family and he has a place in the affections of the family.

Fourth, if I were starting my family again, I would express words of appreciation and praise more. Children are reprimanded for making mistakes. But many children seldom hear words of commendation and encouragement when they do a job well or exhibit good behavior.

Will Sessions, discussing the topic "If I had a Teenager" says, "I would bestow praise. If the youngster blew a horn I would try to find at least one note that sounded good to my ear, and I would say a sincere good word about it. If the school theme was to my liking, I would say so, hoping that it would get a good grade when it was turned in. If his choice of shirt or tie, of socks or shoes, or any other thing met my liking, I would be vocal."

Probably no other thing encourages a child to love life, to seek accomplishment and to gain confidence, more than proper, sincere praise not flattery, but honest compliments when he does well.

Get Alone Together

Fifth, if I were starting my family again I would spend more time together. In every father's week there are 168 hours. He probably spends about 40 hours at work. Allow another 15 hours for over time, lunch, and driving to and from work. Set aside 56 hours for sleep. That leaves a father 57 hours each week to spend elsewhere. How many are actually spent with his family?

A group of 300 seventh and eighth grade boys kept accurate records of how much time their fathers actually spent with them over a two-week period. Most saw their father only at the dinner table. A number never saw their father for days at a time. The aver age time father and son were alone together for an entire week was seven and one half minutes.

Arthur Gordon tells an interesting experience from his youth. "When I was around 13 and my brother was ten, Father had promised to take us to the circus. But at lunch there was a phone call: some urgent business required his attention downtown. My brother and I braced ourselves for the disappointment. Then we heard him say, 'No, I won't be down. It will have to wait.'

"When he came back to the table, Mother smiled. The circus keeps coming back you know.'

" 'I know,' said Father. 'But childhood doesn't.' "

A prominent business man asked a friend, "Would you like to know what I am giving my son for Christmas?" He showed a piece of paper on which he had written: "To my son; I give you one hour of each week and two hours of every Sunday to be used as you wish."

Sixth, if I were to start my family again I would laugh more. That's right. I would laugh more with my child. Oscar Wilde wrote: "The best way to make children good is to make them happy." I see now that I was much too serious. While my children loved to laugh I, too' often, must have conveyed the idea that being a parent was painful.

I remember when I laughed with my children at the humorous plays they put on for the family, at the funny stories shared from school, at the times I fell for their tricks and catch questions. I recall the squeals of delight when I laughed with them and shared in their stunts on the lawn or living room floor. And I remember the times they told of these experiences with joyful expressions, years later. I know when I laughed with my children our love was enlarged and the door was open for doing many other things together.

In answer to the father who sat across the table I've jotted down these reflections. These simple suggestions can make relation ships with our children more meaningful and shape the future of a child more than other things which demand a great deal of money or exceptional ingenuity.

Somehow we manage enough muscle to handle the big things of life but forget that life is largely made up of little things. But it is a father's faithfulness in the small things that determines the happiness of his children.