FAR TOO frequently today the pastor is faced with domestic and marital problems within his congregation. At the base of every strong church program is the security and stability of the home, and to the extent to which homes are unstable, the church and its program are weakened.
No pastor, of course, can stand by with a clear conscience and see the homes of his members destroyed. Yet, the situation of how to approach such problems requires wisdom, tact, and understanding. In some cases, while it may be apparent that all is not well in the home relationship, it is also obvious that the partners in the home are not interested in seeking counsel or guidance. Or perhaps, because of embarrassment, they are not anxious to have the pastor know the true nature of their problems. On the other end of the spectrum are those who come to the pastor with the most intimate details of their problems, often of a deeply sensual nature, presenting before the pastor the sordid details of their marital life.
In the March issue of THE MINISTRY we discussed the role of the pastor in premarital counseling. His role in postmarital counseling and guidance is altogether different from that in the premarital situations. Great restraint must be exercised by the pastor in counseling with husbands and wives about their specific problems. Marriage should be an unbroken circle—not one word of criticism should escape outside that circle. It is best if even the children in the family do not become overly aware of differences or detect rivalries between the parents. For a partner in a marriage to discuss marital difficulties with the pas tor can be an infringement of the sanctity of that circle. This can be especially serious if the issue is taken to a member of the opposite sex.
The Minister Is a Man Too
It is important for the minister to realize that he is a man too, and often not too strong a man. The minister himself has to guard the avenues of his mind, and it is necessary that ministers refuse to become the confidant of a woman, especially one expressing dissatisfaction with her marital status. It is so easy for his sympathy to complicate his relation ship with that woman. There are times when the advice of the pastor is advantageous, and on these occasions the husband and wife ought to come together, not seeking to condemn, nor to accuse, but to find God's way for the healing of their marriage.
However, the minister is not completely impotent in the effectiveness of his ministry to the married couples in his church. He needs to spend consider able time in instructing the members of the church in the basis of a sound and continuing marriage relationship. The pastor has a responsibility to frequently draw the attention of his congregation to what God requires of a Christian marriage. Sometimes other church groups and organizations accept some of this responsibility, but most often too few of the members of the church are involved in such programs and there fore it is important that the pulpit function of the minister be employed regularly to continue to lay the true spiritual base for the Christian home.
There is no question that at the base of every marital breakup is a spiritual problem. This does not always involve both partners. It is too simplistic today to take the view that there are "faults on both sides." While it is true that no human is perfect, it is still very possible that a marriage can flounder on the self-indulgent and egocentric behaviour of one member of the partnership. Too frequently we are inclined to chastise the partner who is seeking to live a life ac cording to God, failing to recognize that such a partner has often gone to inordinate lengths to do everything to retain the solvency and the viability of marriage. Yet in many other cases both husband and wife have spiritual weaknesses.
Areas to Develop in Counseling
There are many areas relevant to marriage upon which the pastor may develop his on-going ministry of postmarital counseling. We list five:
1. Family Worship. Almost inevitably in any marriage breakup there has been a prior breakdown of the worship and religious life within the home. Sometimes one partner will seek to continue such a program for the children, with the other partner either passively taking part or being absent from the worship program. It is essential to true Christian marriage that the family altar be established in which a loving, spiritual relationship exists, a period when the total family worships together daily. It may mean a re-evaluation of the dominance of aspects of life such as television viewing in the home. But whatever it means, the consequent results will make it worth while.
2. Partnership in Christian Out reach. Each family needs to be encouraged to work for God. There is something of a cohesive nature about working for the cause of God as a family unit, where the husband and wife seek together the salvation of men and women. Certainly a training program involving the partnership of husbands and wives in an outreach effort would be a good program in any church.
3. Responsible Parenthood. Too frequently couples whose marriages are rather shaky have been advised to have children as a means of solidifying their marriage relationship. This is an irresponsible recommendation. Rarely do children bring security to a shaky marriage and frequently the child is brought into the environment of an unhappy home to reap the fruits of such a relationship. Only when there is a complete three-way relationship between God, husband, and wife should consideration be given to taking upon oneself the responsibility of parenthood.
4. Understanding the True Nature of Love. Considerable spiritual guidance should be given to married couples concerning the true nature of love as opposed to lust and indulgence. Too frequently marriage is considered to be a license for lust, and within the frame work of the marriage relationship many, particularly men, seek to gratify their carnal natures by the most abominable forms of deviant sexual behaviour. Such brings a degrading influence into the home and a relationship that all too frequently develops an attitude of repugnance on the part of the wife. The sacredness of the marriage is lost to the satiation of sensual desires. Hus bands and wives need much counsel concerning the literature they read and the films they witness, for no one can consistently read literature bordering on the pornographic or view suggestive pictures or films without their eroding the spiritual fiber that is so necessary to live a life according to God's will.
In this day of unrestricted contraceptive devices and abortions many Christians have lost their sensitivity to the true principles of Christian temperance in their interpersonal relationships in the home. The minister needs to be very much aware of the development of guilt feelings so often associated with unrestrained sexual practice and with abortions—a guilt that cannot be over looked or eradicated by simple platitudes, for deep within the consciousness of every Christian is the over-riding challenge of the purity of God.
5. Grappling With Guilt. The pas tor's role in helping the fallen is critical. Perhaps in no other area of life do feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse express themselves more frequently than in unchaste behavior. Nearly every congregation includes those who are suffering from the intense cancerous affliction of practices that have violated the true and noble concept of marriage. Such men and women need to be brought to the full realization of a loving and forgiving God, a God who has buried their sins in the depths of the sea when they have been confessed, who has separated them as far as the East is from the West—a God who has declared, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit" (Rom. 8:1).
Perhaps of all aspects in marriage counseling this is the most important. For any marriage to succeed after a violation of its sanctity takes not only the forgiveness of God but also the forgiveness of the wronged partner—a forgiveness that is without reservation and without reprisal. Many marriages could be salvaged if the true principles of forgiveness were understood by both the sinned and the sinned against.
There are few missions as critical as the preservation of the home in the ministry of the pastor. Great wisdom and prayerful understanding will be needed to fulfill effectively the role that is properly his.
