Within this type of family there is a sensitivity to the emotional, social, and physical needs of the other members. Each member quickly perceives what another member wants or needs. Family members are not apathetic or indifferent, but show a high degree of initiative in reaching out to one another. There is a warm spirit of acceptance and co operation.
Even in this kind of family, how ever, at certain times conflict will occur over needs, goals, and functions of family members. Another hallmark of competent families is that they are able to create a way to accept and handle differences. They do not cling to the notion "If you love me, you will not differ with me; you will think and feel the way I think and feel."
Differentness is highly permissible and not a menace to their personal happiness. There is a striving for union, yet allowance is made for separateness. Family members can feel safe enough within an atmosphere of love and acceptance to speak their true feelings without fearing shame or rejection. They can express divergent feelings or ideas without facing judgmental reaction; feelings, after all, may not always be categorized as "good" or "bad."
Healthy family interaction accepts disagreement without resorting to the unpleasantness of personal at tacks.
In well-adjusted families there is freedom to ask questions about what another is feeling or to express one's opinion within the family group. For example, a family member might say, "I thought I heard you express frustration about our tight budget. Is this what you are feeling?" Another remark might be, "How do you feel about my relatives' visiting us?" Or an adolescent might report to his parents, "I know it will probably disappoint you, but I'd rather go hiking with some of my friends than attend that club social with you to morrow."
Because healthy families communicate clearly, they can engage in problem-solving more effectively. They view complex situations as part of life and are willing to explore alternatives in resolving problems. If one approach doesn't work, it is discarded and another attempted. Responses to day-to-day conflicts are creative. People learn from their unwise choices in the past. They do not necessarily cling to a fixed way of thinking and feeling.
Such an attitude develops the skill and steering power to guide the family unit through life changes. As the family moves from one stage of its life cycle to the next, there is a progressive adaptation to the changes brought about by time and circumstances.
How efficiently the family passes through these crucial stages can either make or break its mental health. The family cannot stay the same; it either moves forward or backward.
Adjusting to change
Courtship, maturity, aging—each of these confronts the family with specific tasks in adjusting to change. How do parents adjust to the presence of a newborn baby? What is their response when this child begins school? How does the family react to the addition of new members to its unit? What happens to father and the children when mother decides she wants to enrich her life by pursuing a career outside the home? How do parents face their child's passage from high school graduation to leaving home and attending college? How does the family steer through advancing stages of life when children are married or when father reaches a plateau in his career? Maladaptive handling of these crises weakens the family's health and lessens its' potential to handle future conflict. An active and creative-martialing of its forces in adapting to change, on the other hand, can lead to a higher level of mental health and strengthen the family's capacity to learn and grow.
Steering the family through crises takes strong leadership. Quality of leadership is based upon the marital relationship between mother and father and how well they meet each other's expectations. In ideal families the parents demonstrate a bond of affection and closeness. They are able to blend their differentness and complement each other's skills. There is a sense of pride in the accomplishment and strength of the other spouse. Their relationship provides security, so there is no need for competition. A special oneness in their relationship clearly separates it from the relationship between parent and child. There are no secret alliances between father and daughter or mother and son. The children can clearly see that mother and father maintain a strong bond of affection and mutual respect.
The leadership question should not be Who is the leader? but What is the problem and what action is needed to solve it? Parents should be flexible enough to allow each other to take the lead according to what needs to be done. In choosing life-insurance coverage, for example, the father might be the leader; in selecting the style of a new home the mother might lead; or the parents might let the children select the spot for the family's summer vacation.
Providing a model
When the parents are able to communicate and relate in a constructive way, they are providing a model of what their child may be come. The parents' skill in open, direct, and honest communication gradually teaches the child how to interact successfully with people. He learns what he may report to the family and what he may expect back from them. The child's experience of healthy communication in the family gives him a beginning blue print for healthy living. This is why an understanding of family interaction greatly contributes to the building of mental health.
Researchers discovered that members of optimally functioning families possess a core of absolute beliefs that are openly shared with one another. This core is small, however, and does not interfere with the individuality of its members. It seems that part of the difficult process of maintaining mental health is the task of sorting out and establishing one's life pattern and finding a comfortable fit to one's life experience.
Our picture of God cannot but strongly influence our inner and outer world. If God is seen as kind, loving, gracious, and trustworthy, and if He is viewed as respecting our freedom and individuality, this positive identification can be transferred to others.
When a parent feels that he is valued and respected by God, he or she is more likely to treat bis child in the same manner. This sense of acceptance by an infinitely powerful Creator, yet equally gracious heavenly Father, promotes positive self-worth and inner security and there fore helps parents to accept others, even when they are different or difficult.
Fortunately, relationships be tween people can change. Where there is now fear, tension, and alienation, there can be love, acceptance, and unity. The sense of inner security and freedom through knowing and feeling God's love can be transmitted from parent to child to society.
