What would you say if you were confronted with these questions? "Pastor, my child is constantly hitting and fighting. I spend most of my day punishing him. If he is this way at 4, what will he be like at 14? What should I do?"
"My 3-year-old's whining, clinging, and thumb-sucking is driving me crazy. How can I get her to stop this annoying behavior?"
''I want my children to be good Christians, but they hate church. The older one is a bad influence on the younger. He has started drinking and smoking, and says he is not going to be seen with hypocritical church members. What do you suggest?"
Do you have the necessary expertise to help parents with their child-rearing problems? Do you have the time? Whether or not you feel competent or have the time, parents often approach you when they have problems with their children. Not only do they respect your advice as their pastor, but they want answers with a Christian perspective.
There are two ways you can meet their need. The first is individualized counseling through a one-to-one relationship. This is time-consuming, but it is a vital part of a helping ministry.
The second method is a preventive approach in which the pastor offers information and education to parents before problems become major ones. Most difficulties in parent-child relationships are caused by a lack of understanding of normal child development and of what causes children to behave the way they do. Armed with this information, most parents can make fairly good decisions about how to handle common behavior problems. Preventive education is especially effective in a group, where parents can hear the questions, comments, and solutions of other parents.
You will always need to do a certain amount of individualized family counseling. But this need can be reduced by parent-education groups. In addition preventive parent education is more time- and cost-effective than the one-to-one counseling relationship. Why, then, are pastors not more active in offering parent education to their parishioners? They give two major excuses: 1) "I'm not an expert on the subject" and 2)' 'I'm not a perfect parent—I've got a few problems myself."
"I'm not an expert"
Pastors should have enough expertise in human development and relational theory to be an important resource to parents. But unfortunately pastors are expected to be experts in such a wide area (from theology to business administration) that the study of child development and training is sometimes neglected. When this is the case, pastors have two options. The first is to lead out actively in recruiting professionals in the field of parent education to plan and implement an ongoing program. The second is to begin qualifying himself for this responsibility or to encourage and support other church members in becoming qualified. Significant expertise can be gained without years of study. It does not even take a college or graduate degree. The most important qualification for a parent educator is an openness and willingness to learn, coupled with a loving, caring, Christlike personality. With the addition of a basic course in child development and one or two special training programs or workshops, such an individual can begin helping others to know how to relate to their children more effectively.
A number of basic, nonreligiously oriented parent programs are offered throughout the country: P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training, 531 Stevens Ave., Solana Beach, California 92075); Positive Parenting and other similar courses through the YMCA (Family Communication Skills Center, 3278 Alpine Road, Menlo Park, California 94025); S.T.E.P. (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting, from the American Guidance Service, Publisher's Building, Circle Pines, Minnesota 55014); and local training pro grams through adult education, the county health department, and the Red Cross.
Parenting programs with a Christian approach are available from Parenting Seminars (School of Health, Loma Linda University, Loma Linda, California 92350). Religious publishers sometimes have pro gram materials that accompany books by Christian parent educators, such as H. Nor man Wright. Also contact your church headquarters or other churches in your area to see if they offer special training programs.
"I'm not a perfect parent"
Saying, "Since I have problems with my own children, how can I help other parents?" is like saying, "Since I have problems with temptations, how can I help other sinners?" The very fact that pastors are people with temptations and problems similar to their parishioners should make their counsel more meaningful. Admit you've made some mistakes as a parent and that your children have had their share of problems. But point out that you are still learning and are willing to change as you gain new insights into how to deal with your children. Share what you have learned that has made you a more effective parent (or grandparent). By your example, you can help others to see that it is possible to make changes in their lives. God doesn't expect us to be perfect parents, but He does expect us to learn from our mistakes.
After many years as a parent educator, I have learned what qualities parents most appreciate in a parenting instructor. These suggestions, based on those qualities, should increase your effectiveness.
1. When you speak, speak with conviction and sound knowledge. Be prepared. Think of questions you might be asked and formulate answers. Start a reading program to learn what professionals in this area are saying. Become acquainted with parenting philosophies through the publications of such per sons as James Dobson, Charlie Shedd, H. Norman Wright, Clyde and Bruce Narramore, Ross Campbell, Thomas Gordon, Rudolph Dreikurs, and Fitzhugh Dodson. When your philosophy differs be sure you are able to support your convictions with sound Biblical reasons, principles of child development, or educational theory.
2. Base your presentations and advice on basic principles (child-rearing methods should be Christlike; they should enhance the child's feelings of self-worth; they should resolve conflict rather than intensify it, et cetera) rather than on specifics that can be disputed. Once you determine your own basic principles you should be able to handle most common problems, evaluating decisions on the basis of underlying principles. If it doesn't measure up, perhaps another decision would be best.
3. If you don't know the answer, admit it. Don't make excuses for yourself. No expert has all the answers, so don't pretend to know more than you do. But provide a way an answer can be found. Encourage parents to help each other in solving problems. Suggest that each person read something on the subject and share their discoveries. Perhaps you can ask an expert and report his answer at a later time.
4. Avoid being defensive about your own parental behavior. If questioned, be willing to say, "Maybe I was too hard on my child," or "Maybe I should have been more consistent." Don't make excuses or blame others. If reasons will clarify your actions, share them. Be open to new ideas and alternate solutions. If you act as though you have done everything right as a parent, someone will note a tiny flaw and magnify it to diminish your influence.
5. Admit there is more than one way to handle a problem. But emphasize that some methods are better than others. Avoid arguing. Simply point out that each person has different values and has a right to different opinions. Children are also different. There fore, some families find certain techniques more effective than others.
6. Parents should not feel completely responsible for the behavior of their children. They need to provide the necessary love, discipline, and education for children to develop healthy bodies and wholesome characters. But the older a child becomes, the more responsible he is for his own behavior. Even though a parent has done everything possible to provide the best environment and nurture, ultimately the child must make his own decision to accept or reject that training. Even God—the perfect Parent—lost one third of His angels. The influence of Satan must be realized. Never cease to pray for your children. But parents must not burden them selves with feelings of guilt when their children choose to do things contrary to their training.
7. Be positive. Avoid listing all the things a parent is doing wrong. Rather, focus on what he or she can do to be more effective. Give specifics upon which to act, not just generalities. If one idea doesn't work, don't give up. Look at the problem as a challenge rather than as a defeat. Help parents look for the positive traits in their children instead of focusing on their weaknesses and faults.
8. Encourage, encourage, encourage. Don't let parents become discouraged with ideals that seem impossible to achieve. Point out that "ideals are like stars. We may never reach them but we can set our course by them." Encourage parents to set goals. One goal achieved is better than fifteen goals thrown overboard because they seemed impossible to reach. Encourage parents to do their best. Encourage fathers and mothers to attend the meetings together. Ideals are more likely to be attained when parents are cooperating, supporting, and helping each other. Let them know you believe in them. Give them hope. Point them to Christ. We must do the best we can, but our efforts alone will not be enough. Christ has promised to fill in our inadequacies. Remember, " 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible' " (Matt. 19:26, R.S.V.).
Many families in your church need preventive parent education in order to avoid major child-rearing problems that may some day require extensive one-to-one counseling. You, the pastor, may be the one to help. You can be an effective parent educator.
