Death is the final enemy with which each of us must grapple.
We shy away from that reality. People tell me that they feel terribly ill at ease when visiting someone who is grief-stricken. They don't know what to do after they rap on the bereaved person's door.
For those who gallantly contact people pained by death, the following tips may prove helpful.
1. Make several short visits. Bereaved people cannot cope with lengthy conversations. Visitors wear out their welcome when they stay past half an hour. A series of short visits is far better than one ex tended stay. Come for a 15-minute chat one day. Then pop in for 10 minutes the next.
2. Let the grieving person make plans. Sometimes well-intentioned friends prop the bereaved individual in an easy chair while they scurry around making funeral arrangements. Encourage the person pained by death to do the telephoning to friends, to the funeral director, and to family. These are more than chores to keep the bereaved busy. Such responsibilities force the grief-stricken to focus on death's reality. They can't duck it.
3. Encourage people to talk about what happened prior to the death. Listen to them. Let them repeat the details. Be a listening ear as they rehearse where they were, what the doctor said, how they responded to the last gasp of the dying one. The mind needs to retrace these happenings.
4. Don't neglect to mention the deceased by name. Our minds are delicate computers. Stored in them are memories of pleasing and embarrassing interactions with the deceased. Our memory banks want us to release the tapes on which are reminiscences of good and bad days with the person now dead.
5. Include the children in the funeral plans. Death is a very real part of life. Some parents try to shield their offspring from death's reality by hustling them off to a neutral corner. Even a little child needs to be part of the sorrow, held in the arms of a grieving mother or father. He senses that something sad but special is going on. Why should we try to isolate the children from this part of life?
6. Keep pills in the closet. Contrary to the adage, big boys do cry when they feel the separation from loved ones. It is therapeutic for the bereaved to cry and show their pain. Don't deprive them of the therapy by loading them up with sedatives and sleeping pills. A tearful person is far better off than one who has been made into a zombie by tranquilizers.
7. Actualize the death. Hearing about someone's death by telephone or reading the obituary notice is not the same as seeing the corpse. Without facing the body, some bereaved people be gin to deny that their loved one has died. Of course, if the body is disfigured in a hideous way, it may prove counterproductive to view it.
8. Show your humanity. Even a parakeet can talk. Humans are able to communicate on levels deeper than the verbal. Hug a hurting person. Wrap your arms around him. When people are in shock, words buzz by them. They bounce off like raindrops on a tin roof. Touch is very important, then, because a physical contact can break through. Words only erect verbal walls.
9. Let the bereaved spit at God. When people are robbed of loved ones, they sometimes take it out on God. They ask why God allowed such a person to die. Their fuse is short when it comes to talking about God. They may shake their fists and swear at God, or say that prayer makes little sense to them. The Bible may seem to them an ancient book of religious nonsense. Walk with the bereaved and stick near them. If you put the lid on their frustrations by saying that God doesn't like such hostile reactions, you may find the grievers drifting away from religion. They may not feel accepted or understood. They may begin to think that God is a thousand miles from nowhere.
It's tough to minister effectively to those hurt by death. But following these practical tips can make visits to those who are grief-stricken easier and more effective.
