The flowers had to be moved. I pulled up whole clumps by their roots. Carefully I separated them and set them in the soil in a new place. Yet the next day they looked wilted and almost dead. Only through daily watering and weeks of special nurturing did they finally establish new roots and bloom again.
Ministerial families are like my flowers. They often find themselves being uprooted and moved. And when they are, it takes time for them to establish new roots and come to full bloom again.
As a rule, men make this transition more easily than do their wives. Their conquering spirit thrives on new challenges. Women prefer security and the support of old friends. They fear change and find it painful to pull up roots and establish new relationships. Some ministers' wives have told me they actually grieve for at least a year after moving.
The minister also finds it easier to be accepted by the new congregation. The minister is, after all, the "holy person" who just preached the Word of God upfront. Parishioners are eager to gain the pastor's favor. The minister's spouse, on the other hand, has to earn the congregation's favor. People stand back a little distance and observe before accepting. One wife said, "I'm tired of proving all over again that I'm wonderful."
Moving can place a double stress on ministerial spouses who have careers. It is difficult for those who have to move a lot to progress in their careers.
Moving can frustrate homemakers, too—particularly if they enjoy decorating and doing things that make a home special. They work hard to get everything looking as lovely as possible, then the move. Nothing works in the new house, and finances are too limited to start over.
Mothers feel another stress. They usually shoulder the heaviest burden of helping the children readjust. Their attitude about the move will affect the children. They may have to act positive when in reality they are feeling quite negative.
Finding the positive
As is true of most other undertakings in life that have their bad points, if we look a little harder we can find positive aspects to moving. For one thing, moving gives us an opportunity for a fresh start—smarter because we've learned from our mistakes. Staying in one place too long can produce a sluggish, passive attitude and stunt intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth.
Paul spoke of the most helpful attitude when he wrote, "This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 3:13, 14).
Moving also helps free us from the tyranny of possessions. It keeps us from leading cluttered lives and being preoccupied with material objects.
There are a number of ways those of you who are ministers can make die uprooting process less painful. Let me share a few.
1. Introduce your family on their first Sabbath in your new church. Let the congregation know that your family is a unit, that you are not some kind of separate entity. Prearrange with the family to sit on the aisle so that as you exit the church service you can pause and take them along with you. Husband and wife, and children if they choose, can greet the parishioners as they leave the sanctuary.
2. As you introduce your family, you might add a few words about your spouse. Tell the congregation that your spouse is interested in them, but ask them to allow your spouse freedom to work for the church in the areas where he or she feels qualified.
3. You might, as some pastors do, in vite the church board to appoint a support group for the pastoral family.
4. Pastors have a way of jumping into their new challenges with both feet. They get too busy too fast and neglect the family. Take special measures to see that this doesn't happen. After a move your family needs your support more than ever.
Either or both pastor and spouse may take responsibility for the last four items:
5. Try to settle the house quickly. It will give you a more settled, at-home feeling.
6. Help your children feel a spirit of adventure by going with them to find the parks, the ice-cream shop, etc. If you move during the school year, write to the new teachers before you move and let them know your children are coming. Perhaps they will even have the children in the class write a welcome note to your children. Keep your conversations about the move positive.
7. Make up a "moving list." Include changes of address, what goes in the car with you, what goes in your "Urgent Box"—items that you will need on arrival, etc.
8. When you find yourself or other members of your family feeling distraught and lonely, or frustrated because you can't even find the grocery store, lift up your heart and voice in that old, wellknown hymn: "Anywhere with Jesus I can safely go. . . . Anywhere with Jesus will be home sweet home."
Goodbye again
Carrol Grady
A familiar ache twists her heart.
Half-full boxes wait to receive
The chipped wedding dishes,
Rows of well-read books,
A chubby handprint, preserved
in plaster of Paris,
A pillow made by a friend in
California,
The Chinese abacus, the llama
rug from Peru, the brass lamp
from India.
While she stands at the open window,
She gazes at the weeping willow
that was planted two years ago,
The azaleas that will bloom
rose and purple next spring,
The picnic table under the
tall tulip tree,
The sunny spot where she had
dreamed
of a bed of blue iris.
And she remembers
A lifetime of goodbyes,
A lifetime of painful uprootings,
A lifetime of unfinished dreams,
A lifetime of severed friendships,
A lifetime of hopeful new
beginnings.
"And they shall build houses,
and inhabit them;
And they shall plant vineyards,
and eat the fruit of them.
"They shall not build,
and another inhabit;
They shall not plant,
and another eat:
"For as the days of a tree
are the days of my people,
And mine elect shall long enjoy
the work of their hands."
Then she returns to the boxes,
a wistful smile curving her lips.
