Ican almost guarantee that one of my three young boys (ages seven, five, and three) on Sabbath morning will ask the question, “Daddy, which church are we going to this time? Are we going to the big church or the little church?” Another will ask, “Are we going to the new church?” What usually follows is a debate among them as to which church is the best. “I like the new church. They have better potlucks,” one says. “Yeah and there’s more space in the back to run around,” says another approvingly. “But Joseph [their best friend at the bigger church] won’t be there!” says another disappointedly. And so the debate continues.
Compared to other ministerial colleagues, having three churches may seem like a luxury, since some of them have to grapple with half a dozen or more. But once the minister begins to pastor more than one church, the Sabbath worship merry-go-round begins. This impacts the whole family, especially the children who already have various issues to contend with as the children of a pastor.
For me, the development of church growth happened rather quickly. Our main central city church had reached its capacity in size; and the forward-thinking congregation felt the best way to move ahead, rather than investing in a bigger building, was to plant a church. This was done by transplanting 40 members to the northern area of the city. Within a year, the mother church had reached its capacity once again. The excitement of seeing a church borne from within and prospering had left its mark. So the decision to do the same again was met with little resistance. This time a core group of members settled south of the city.
For evangelism, this was great. Pastorally it meant a complete change in ministerial approach. Three churches in three years seemed like fathering three children in three years! The impact affected all areas. Each church wanted the full undivided attention of their pastor, and each had good reason for doing so—the central church, because it was the largest; the northern church, because it was in transition; and the southern church, because it was the newest. Therefore, pastoring involved rotating between the three on a weekly basis; hence the reason for the debate among my kids every Sabbath morning.
The impact that pastoring a multichurch district has on the family may not be high on the agenda in any initial church planting seminar or training event. For the ordinary pastor, it is usually a learned experience borne from the pains of seeing the family finding some form of church identity. This perceived status of pastoring several churches at one time can often become elevated at the expense of the stability of the family.
A few months ago I attended a ministers’ meeting at which various clergy from various denominations came together for a special time of prayer. The fl oor was open to prayer requests, to which one pastor asked for prayers for his teenage son who no longer desired to attend church. It seemed like this request struck a chord among others in attendance and paved the way for an intense time of openness and honesty of ministers to share of their struggles to keep their children engaged in spiritual activities.
It is not uncommon to read of the challenges pastors’ kids (PKs) face and the growing demands and expectations placed upon them in the home, church, and community. Stereotypes still remain. PKs are born into a world of intense demands and expectations. At an early age they begin to experience the pressures of living in a glass house where the eyes of others are always on them. To make matters worse, the congregation can often assume that if their parents are ministers, the kids are spiritual giants by default, able to quote scripture and pray with eloquent words that God hears and to which He responds quickly because they have an inside track to the throne room.
To some degree pastoring a multichurch district can add to these complications. Thinking back to what happens in my home on a Sabbath morning and listening to my kids debate about which church they prefer, I am aware that if an effective program of church implementation is not done, in which they feel a part of a regular worship and Sabbath School experience in a familiar environment each week, the debate I hear today could very well take a different course in the future.
Some of the effects multichurch pastoring can have on children include the following:
A minister’s family life revolves around the church programs, obligations, needs, and demands. Children of pastors quickly learn that they live a life of sacrifice. They come to understand that the needs of other people are all too often of greater importance than their own.
When ministering to PKs who have subsequently left the church, I often hear comments such as, “Every time I tried to talk to my dad, all I heard was a sermon.” One of the biggest stumbling blocks for children is not so much having to listen to the same sermon in each church but having to hear one kind of preaching from their father in the pulpit but another kind living at home.
Other comments I come across in ministering to children who have left the church include this most frequent response: When asked if there was anything they wished their parents would have done differently, the answer usually is, “I wish my parents would have spent more time at home with me.” Proof again that many ministers can often sacrifice their family on the altar of ministry and that they think that if they are serving God, then He will take care of the family. Although it’s true that God does care for the families of pastors in a special way, as parents we must learn to better balance our time for the sake of the family—our first ministry.
Perhaps the greatest challenge of multichurch pastoring, and its effects upon the family, is not so much what happens on the Sabbath; rather, the many ministerial tasks that impact the pastor each day.
How, therefore, does the minister balance the demands of pastoring each church and at the same time ensure that his family is not left with feelings of estrangement and disengagement? A partial answer is to be reminded as to where our priorities ought to lie in the scheme of pastoral responsibilities.
I recently listened to a retired pastor whose successful ministry was widely acclaimed. He spoke of many wonderful things he had experienced in the churches he had served. Then he added, “But I paid a high price for my success—my children did not get what they should have from their father and today have turned away from the Lord and the church.”
As he wept, I thought about my children. Do I want them to become another statistic? Do I want to be remembered as a successful multichurch pastor with growing churches, having gained “success” at the expense of losing my own children? Knowing all I know in theory, am I prepared to sacrifice them on the altar of ministry?
Right then and there, God reminded me that in terms of priority, He calls me fi rst to be a father before He calls me to be a pastor. “Great good done for others cannot cancel the debt that he [the minister] owes to God to care for his own children.”1 My children need to know that next to their mother, they are the most important people in my life. My congregations need to know that also.
What are some possible suggestions for ensuring that children are not caught up in the merry-go-round of church rotation? One of the main adjustments we made as a family was to settle our children in one of the three churches where they could function in the week-to-week development of their worship experience.
A pastor can easily, though unintentionally, neglect the children out of a misguided notion that availability to members takes precedence over all other things, including the family.
Under the best of circumstances there will be some disruptions in a pastor’s home life. The pastor is on call 24 hours a day. If a death or other tragedy involving one of the members occurs just before a pastor heads out the door to take the children fishing, plans must necessarily change. Such demands are to be expected. But depending on their ages, all the children know is that their parent-pastor did not get to go fishing because somebody else needed and received their parent’s time and attention. When these occurrences arise, talk to the children, sympathize with them, and seek to make it up in a reasonable and intentional way. Pastors should intentionally carve out time in their schedules for their children and guard it scrupulously.
How do such priorities work? This is where there is value in having clearly defi ned priorities in order to make such adjustments. All of the priorities in my life can function with appropriate importance as long as I keep them in their proper place. But when a lower priority leaps above a higher one, I am setting myself up for a fall. I cannot be a faithful pastor if I neglect the higher priority of my wife and/or children. In fact, according to 1 Timothy 3:5, “(for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?)” (NKJV).
I am disqualified if such neglect characterizes my life. It is spiritually disastrous to put my wife above my Lord, my children above my wife, or my pastoral ministries above any of those. It is no slight to the churches that I serve that their place in my priority comes after my devotion to Christ and family. On the contrary, the churches get more of what they need when I minister out of a conscience committed to these priorities.
By remembering the priorities of these callings in my life I am better able to establish and maintain balance in my obligations. “Nothing can excuse the minister for neglecting the inner circle for the larger circle outside. The spiritual welfare of his family comes first.”2
No matter how much I try to juggle between the demands of my churches, it seems there will always be more to be done. Some good things that scream out for attention should be left undone so that I can do what is better and best. When I have to make those hard choices, I do so on the basis of the priority of my calling. Then I can take heart that I have acted in faith based on claims that God has made on my life. The benefits of such a priority-led ministry can yield great rewards in all areas concerned. It challenges churches to take the initiative to develop lay-led ministries, with the pastor providing a training and supervisory role. “The minister should not feel that it is his duty to do all the talking and all the laboring and all the praying . . . but . . . to educate workers in every church.”3
The benefit to the pastor’s family, however, can be redemptive. One multichurch PK remarked, “I’ve had a unique perspective on the church, as I’ve seen hundreds of people touched by God, saved from their sins, and lives turned around. I’ve seen God make a difference.” Another amusingly remarked, “I have the most well-developed hearing since I’ve had to sit through hundreds of sermons and listen to thousands of solos. I also have very discerning taste buds, given that I’ve been to hundreds of potluck dinners. I can quickly identify the best bean casseroles and even tell what foods have been frozen for hundreds of years!” How else can we fi nd that balance? It calls for a conscientious, committed, praying parent who is guided by the Holy Spirit on a daily basis.
1 Ellen White, Gospel Workers (Washington, DC: Review and Herald Pub. Assn., 1892), 204.
2 Ibid.
3 Ellen White, Pastoral Ministry (Silver Spring, MD: General Conference Ministerial Assn., 1995), 264.
